What can your six year old do?

[Catsarebabes]

I'm trying to gage what is normal for a six year old to be able to do themselves.

DS was six in July and is currently in Year 2 at school.

He can't wipe his own bum. He won't poo at school so that me or DH can help him wipe at home.

We do still have to remind him to go to the toilet (for wees and poos). Normally we noticing him running around in a circle and we say, 'do you need the toilet?'. He'll nod and then we'll tell him to go.

But he has been using the toilet for years.

He can get himself dressed but is very slow and easily distracted so needs lots of reminding. He struggles with his shoes and can't do buttons or zips.

He doesn't get his school stuff ready. He'd forget things. If I don't carry his bag for example, he'll forget to bring it. Same for coat, PE kit, books, etc.

He doesn't do anything around the house (I see posters mentioning this as things their six year olds do). He doesn't make his bed and can't tidy up by himself, put his washing away, etc.

He can just about make a sandwich but his spreading abilities are very poor!

What was your six year old able to do at this age?

All of that sounds normal. Apart from the bum wiping. What happens when he asks you to wipe his bum? Do you just do it? If so you need to guide him through it to do it himself. Help him pull the tissues off himself and then give him instructions and then keep doing that until he can do it himself.

I think you have high expectations for all the other stuff.

I would say all pretty normal 6 year old behaviour

He's 6. Not 16? You're being a bit overly critical. The bum wiping thing he'll probably grow out of but I'd also try to start stopping enabling that. If you're concerned speak to someone at school to see how he's developing and how's he doing at school.

Normal for a 6 year old although on the later side for bum wiping. One of mine was the same, he’ll get there in time.

My now 9 year old was and is still like this, but he is diagnosed with adhd and ASD (no learning disability). It could be fairly typical behaviour, is there anything else of concern? How is he at school? Social? Able to get on with work without being told several times?

Okay, that's great. Thank you, all! I thought it was all perfectly normal (not being overly critical at all), but on a recent thread, someone said their six year old could do all of that and more - including chores!

Sounds pretty average. My incredibly grown up, bright, advanced daughter, now 7, didn't wipe her own bum until about 6 months ago.

I don’t really think that is quite normal. I’d expect a child to manage the loo, shoes (but not laces), buttons and zips, plus school bag and coat, though not PE kit, and general tidying up at home.

This is mumsnet where people make 1 roast chicken last for weeks and make 1000 meals.

Mine were all doing those things at that age. Often not doing them particularly well, but doing them. BUT, and this is a big but, I did have 3 very close in age as a single parent, so I really nudged them toward independence as much as I could with the small things (like butt wiping, tidying up after themselves, shoes on etc).

I don't think it's anything to be worried about at 6 though. Pretty sure my nephew (no siblings) didn't wipe his own butt until he was about 8, and he's turned out perfectly fab.

Can't or won't?

I don’t think it is massively normal. It’s late for bum wiping, most kids start reception doing a passable enough job- it’s a top feature of school readiness lists, my 3.5YO is working on it because his school nursery are hands off, I’d be dismayed if he didn’t have it down by September for starting school. Also for toileting reminders outside of a ‘go now because there are no toilets on the tube’ type scenarios- I don’t even remind the 3YO. The rest of it I think is normal if you let them get away with it! My 7YO will have you believe she can’t tidy, maker her bed, do all the annoying buttons on her school blouse etc. Of course she can but really doesn’t want to. I guess the issue in your case is if he can’t or won’t as those are 2 different things. Throw some pocket money into the mix though and DD suddenly finds it’s no issue.

Agree with @Potentiallyplausible - my 6 year old started wiping properly by age 4. She didn’t need reminding or prompting to use the loo past the age of 3. This was expected by her school, no one in her class needs help wiping. She cleans her room, makes her bed (not perfectly) and dresses herself for school every day. She has regular chores like folding clothes (not sheets), feeding the dog, wiping down countertops after eating and washing plastic cups and plates after she uses them. This is all normal across her peers but I am not in the UK so based on PP perhaps it’s different assuming that’s where you are OP.

If we take child developmental perspective, by the age of 2,5-3 a child should be able to unzip and unbutton, age 4 should be able to zip with assistance and button large buttons independently. They should definitely be able to recognise toileting needs by the age of 6 without prompting. Wiping is something that needs to be taught and practiced, so is doing chores. These are not skill that just develop by themselves.
Poor spreading is OK, let him do it independently and he will improve.
It is worth checking possible DCD if he is struggling with fine motor skills after practicing.

I don't think any of that is normal. My 6 year old can do all of that and has done for quite some time. She may complain at having to do some chores at times but she is perfectly capable of doing them

My son is also in year 2 - just turned 7 a month ago and he is exactly like your son! He's only started wiping his own bottom because I have said I won't do it anymore. He still needs a bit of help. I have never asked him to make his own sandwich I;m not sure he would cope with that. I've no concerns - year 2 is still very little, they've got plenty of time to grow up! it all comes in time. I have a 9 year old as well, and I am sure between year 2 and year 5 they really come on in leaps and bounds

My daughter is 7.

She can wipe her bottom independently and has done since around 4. She does still use way too much paper though! Never had issues reminding her about toileting, we were quite lucky with toilet training though, she did it quickly.

She can dress herself but executive functioning isn’t always spot on, so she might forget to put her knickers on before her shorts and needs reminding what to do next. Depends how distracted she is. She can’t tie laces properly yet.

Same as you for school stuff! She would forget everything left to her own devices.

She can do stuff around the house but would need to be prompted to. She doesn’t make her own bed but that’s because it’s a mid sleeper so she’d have to physically climb up onto it to do so and it’s hard to make a bed you’re sitting on!

She can make a sandwich. She puts her own spread on toast.

I think the toilet stuff sounds quite unusual.

Mine didn't need reminding to go to the toilet after the age of 4. TBH my younger one more like 3.

There is a general distinction between can and will, I think.

My 7 year old does all of those things and has since he was 6 but he won't do them unprompted - he gets dressed in the morning unprompted but chores and getting his school bag ready etc, I need to remind him to do.

Do you think you have just got into the habit of doing stuff for him?

I ask because we used to get my older one dressed every day and then we stayed with my brother and his family and realised that my nephew was managing fine and was younger. So we tried that when we got home and it was absolutely fine.

As another poster has mentioned, it may be that your DS has dyspraxia / DCD. While it's true that there is a lot of (normal) variation around ability at the age of six, these are all very clear diagnostic indicators of DCD. You can mention it to the school and ask if they can look into it a bit. Another thing you might want to do is fill in this questionnaire (https://www.dcdq.ca/uploads/pdf/DCDQAdmin-Scoring-02-20-2012.pdf) I highly recommend that you and your DH fill in the questionnaire separately, and then compare scores.

5 yr old DD can -
Get herself dressed including shoes (not laces)
Can do zip & buttons
Goes to the toilet by herself & wipes independently
Put clear washing away (hers & little sisters, when asked)
Put dirty clothes in washing basket (may need reminding)
Clear her teeth (supervised).
Could make a sandwich, spreading wouldn't be the best.
Can cut up fruit/veg in dinner prep
Can make her bed & tidy, when asked

Girls are 'generally' more advanced than boys with this sort of stuff. But also good for you - doesn't mean that the OP's son is far behind - just developing differently and at his own pace.

This is based off the back of that other thread isn’t it? Again, as others have said, is it refusal or is it that he cannot manage? Have you had concerns before? Have you tried a reward chart with it to encourage him with the bottom wiping? What happens when you talk to him about it?

It’s hard on MN sometimes to gauge what is normal and what isn’t. I remember years ago reading someone on here say their four year old could make scrambled eggs from start to finish by themselves. There’s no way on Gods clean earth mine could make this!

It's fairly normally.

Some will be down to poor parenting.
Some will be down to genuine behavioural issues.
Ultimately it IS not reaching age appropriate milestones when he should be. He below average for his age.

The key is not to say it's bad but to look at why he's struggling, what you can do to improve independence and what are the next steps rather than sitting on your hands trying to normalise it as just a six year old thing that he'll get over all by himself without intervention.

It's not remotely normal for a six year old to not manage a button or zip. I wouldn't expect them to have the executive functioning needed to remember all their things but they should have a routine to help them to start to remember. There's no reason he can't pull the duvet up!

My 6 year old can wipe her bum, does chores to earn pocket money, get dressed and brush her own teeth but when DS was 6 he couldn't do any of those.
However, DS has autism and DD has moderate hearing loss and both have struggled with different things over the years.

One thing I find helpful as a parent is to look at it like "DC couldn't do X last year but they can this year" and focus on those wins instead of looking at other DC and worrying if mine are behind.

I'm sure your DS is fine and will get there at his own pace 😊