Saying DD's boyfriend can't stay

[Fridaynightincreduality]

Sorry if this is long but DD is 18 has had a very difficult year, dropped out of A'levels, self harmed, ended up in medical facility for couple of months and still sees psychiatrist and is on medication.

Started seeing boyfriend 3 months ago, he stayed over occasionally but then it became most of the week. DD has told me many instances of his behaviour that I find worrying (Controlling, manipulative), this culminated in him giving her an ultimatum of it's him or her best friend. They split up and, as is want to happen, talked it out and got back together within days. DD says he promised he would change.

For my part I said fine but I didn't want him staying over for the next month and I would reassess after that.

Last night she came into my room, I was asleep, she said something and I half woke up and said 'sure whatever', took me a few minutes to gather myself and go and see what I had agreed to. Apparently boyfriend was coming over and staying. We argued and I made my thoughts perfectly clear, I went back to bed. Turns out this morning that boyfriend plus 2 of his friends had come round and stayed the night.

Had huge back and forth with DD this morning on why this is wrong but I can't make her see it from my perspective. She says he is the only thing keeping her together at moment and she doesn't want to go out and do things as she doesn't want to leave her room and that I shouldn't be interfering in her relationship.

AIBU not letting him stay?

Definitely NBU.

I was very clear on this and never let mine have people to stay, it isn't necessary and it removes their own safe space.

It's fine to pull back and change the rules from now on, whilst supporting her within the relationship'

Ultimately it's your home and you can decide to have someone there or not. I don't think DD is being dramatic, right now he genuinely feels like the only thing holding her together (whatever you think about him), so it's important you don't belittle it.
I think I'd say (calmly) that he's not staying overnight (and then give a clear 'he's not staying past Xpm/am), and that she might not agree but this is the decision you're making as a parent. That she is still free to see him and their relationship can grow stronger by stepping back and making it a little less intense.
Beyond that I'd not argue as she'll push back and it can end up in a tantrum, meltdown or a really toxic back-and-forth.

Sounds like an awful young man; I don't blame you at all, but if you say no, where will she end up? She is probably safer under your roof, even with him

I don't really have much of an opinion on him, I think the manipulation I see from him could be down to his insecurity and immaturity. He doesn't have the nicest family setting so I think my home is more comfortable for him. My DD doesn't want to stay at his as she says it's horribly dirty and cramped.

I really wouldn't want to label him but my wish was that they spent time on dates, out and about so she could really get to know him rather than spending every night in the cocoon of her bedroom where everything is seen with rose coloured glasses.

She's 18, what are you thinking you will achieve by trying to discourage the relationship? She won't take you seriously and will choose him over you.

This is how I feel exactly and I had thought I had communicated fair guidelines, he was allowed to come over to pick her up and stay for an hour, allowed to bring her home but had to leave by 11pm. Then last night happened and she is making out I am the most horrible, unreasonable person in the world.

If she hadn't had the MH issues she has I wouldn't be struggling with this but the drawing the line between putting boundaries in place against her doing what she thinks will make her 'well' is where I am struggling.

She isn't going to see it from your perspective so I'd stop trying to get her to.

Focus on what are your priorities?

If you can get her to uni the chances are high she will break up with him.

Sit down with her and support her to do what she wants to do. That will start to give her self confidence and help her become a stronger person. At which point breaking up is very likely.

I'm not trying to discourage the relationship, I am discouraging him practically moving into my house. I said he couldn't stay for 1 month and then I would reassess. I had hoped that they would go out more, meet up with other friends and this would improve how they both view the relationship. Her seeing more of her friends and him not tracking all her movements.

You can say he can't stay, it's your home, but she will think you are unfair and a horrible, cruel mother- at least until she's older and wiser.

She's a dependent, troubled teen, not an adult in any functional sense.

The last thing she needs is this mooching loser and his friends crashing at your house at will.

Reiterate your ban on overnight stays.

My priority is that she is happy and healthy. I am encouraging her to get a job/apprentiship at moment as she didn't complete A'levels just so she can have routine and stability, my hope would be after that she would sit her exams and go from there.

I am genuinely not trying to break them up I just want her to be able to put her own boundaries in place with him and ensure she is doing the right things for her wellbeing. I was really shocked that he would turn up at gone midnight with 2 friends in tow whether my DD said he could or not.

Imo this is the time for some helicopter parenting. Have him over. Seeing dc having support and a good /close family may see him running for the hills if he sees he can't cut dd off from you as easily as he thought. .... Got rid of many an awful play mate in dc's younger days. Works on any age...

I have a child who crashed out of sixth form (a levels) due to mental health issues.

Sitting a levels after you have not been studying for a while is very challenging. Depending on which ones she was doing it's somewhere between doable and basically impossible.

Was she aiming for uni before the mh issues? If so you might find an access course useful. That's what my DD did.

She did a part time course before that as honestly for someone with mh issues going back into full time study (or a full time job for that matter) is pretty overwhelming.

Your DD is probably feeling very lost - she is off the conveyor belt of education and it's much harder to navigate life after they are off it.

For the boyfriend, I would avoid getting into "Romeo and Juliet syndrome" - ie my parents hate him so we must have an undying love and I will never give him up.

Killing with kindness usually works better and as others have said, if you include him in family meals etc he looks less like Romeo.

You are absolutely NBU.
He doesn't sound like he is good for her MH if he is controlling and stifling, whether she thinks he is or not.
Like others have said I think a clear curfew of say 11pm is reasonable, with perhaps a max on tbe number of nights per week you want him in your home, but make sure you stick to it. He clearly doesn't respect your home or boundaries if he would turn up at your door with two complete strangers at 12pm!

Has she explained why she thought it was okay for him and two of his friends to spend the night in your home, violating your privacy, exposing you to risk of harm? Do you know these two friends, come to it does she know these two friends that she allowed into your home against your wishes? I know she has struggled recently, but at 18 she should have enough cop on to recognize that nobody would want strangers crashing into their home uninvited after midnight.

I have been encouraging her to do exactly this, basically something part time - work or study, that will get her into a routine and not be too taxing on her. I think she is very lost, all her friends going off to uni or taking defined gap years and she doesn't know what to do or where to start.

Glad to hear it worked out for your child and that they do find a way.

" I was really shocked that he would turn up at gone midnight with 2 friends in tow whether my DD said he could or not."

Either she is being manipulative in asking you when you're asleep, or if he was there already and pushed her into it, she is easily manipulated. tell the BF directly that he is not welcome to stay over and has to leave by a specified time.

Usually I’d be dead against trying to manage the life of an 18 year old but you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I don’t think I’d have him in the house at all.

I am very old but back in the day if a group of lads had turned up at my house after midnight they would have been confronted by my Dad bellowing at them and threatening to call the police if they refused to leave! Not that I suggest you do that of course.

I’d be talking to both bf and daughter together rather than just your daughter about rules and boundaries. If there are behaviours which are indicative of controlling/manipulative you are not putting her in a position to have to be coerced or manipulated by him. Would be really concerned about him bringing two other randomns to your home too. Definitely NBU

It’s up to you to decide who stays under your own roof, but honestly I don’t think this is a hill I’d be prepared to die on with an 18 year old. Plus it’s better they are where you can keep an eye on them.
i would not have allowed two randoms to stay though. You aren’t running a doss house. Kinda yabu unreasonable because you didn’t pay attention when she was asking you, that was remiss of you.

I feel for you! If he stays you feel complicit in his bad behaviour. If you say no she hates you and you risk that she ends up moving in with his family/friends.
Possibly he will dump her in two weeks but you don’t have a crystal ball.
Does she have talking therapy for the mh? Talking to a neutral person might help you all.
I might be tempted to have him stay but be hoovering early in the morning, asking him to take out the recycling in the evening, leaving the fridge empty and asking if they would mind planning and cooking a meal ( you can give her the budget for it). They need to be cleaning the shower, sinks and loo and washing up. Let them see what living together in a relationship is like, it is not your mum organising a sleep over every night for the foreseeable.
Good luck! Parenting can be unexpectedly difficult. X

Must be very difficult for you - the bf is one thing, randomers something else!! Surely your dd can't think that was right even with her mh issues.
I have 3dds and it is very important to keep them onside especially regarding bfs. Integrate him into the family and dd will see who he really is. Big no to strangers stopping over.

She might feel like he’s the only good thing she has, but it sounds like he’s using her for a nice place for him (and his mates!) to stay. Does he not encourage her to go out with him?

I’d be coming down really hard on the bf’s mates staying over. That’s not safe for anyone. That would reset the clock for me - at least another month of the bf not staying over until you reassess. Any further going behind your back and her keys are taken away at night so she can’t let anyone in, and he’s gone before you go to bed.

Usually I’m on the side of letting young adults (17/18 year olds) have their boyfriends stay, I’m 28 so I remember the huge arguments between me and my parents about them not letting boyfriends stay and how it caused massive rifts between us growing up as I found them suffocating and just ended up staying at the boyfriends house instead. So just my opinion after seeing how them trying to control situations pushed me away.

But in this case I feel like you might be right, this relationship sounds toxic and as much as you can’t ‘stop’ her from seeing him, and Inwouldn’t advise that either, I do think some time where she’s not having him stay over would be good. It sounds like he’s deliberately isolating her, from her friends etc, when she says he’s all thats holding her together, it seems he wants it that way. Unfortunately I’ve been there many times in my teens with not very nice boys, and she’ll just have to realise it in her own time.

that fact that he stayed AND BROUGHT TWO OF HIS FRIENDS is so cheeky, it’s one thing having him, but two other random adult men is a huge overstep, cheeky af for him to ask her and cheeky af for her to ask you for that if you’d already discussed not having just him there.