Saying DD's boyfriend can't stay

[Fridaynightincreduality]

Sorry if this is long but DD is 18 has had a very difficult year, dropped out of A'levels, self harmed, ended up in medical facility for couple of months and still sees psychiatrist and is on medication.

Started seeing boyfriend 3 months ago, he stayed over occasionally but then it became most of the week. DD has told me many instances of his behaviour that I find worrying (Controlling, manipulative), this culminated in him giving her an ultimatum of it's him or her best friend. They split up and, as is want to happen, talked it out and got back together within days. DD says he promised he would change.

For my part I said fine but I didn't want him staying over for the next month and I would reassess after that.

Last night she came into my room, I was asleep, she said something and I half woke up and said 'sure whatever', took me a few minutes to gather myself and go and see what I had agreed to. Apparently boyfriend was coming over and staying. We argued and I made my thoughts perfectly clear, I went back to bed. Turns out this morning that boyfriend plus 2 of his friends had come round and stayed the night.

Had huge back and forth with DD this morning on why this is wrong but I can't make her see it from my perspective. She says he is the only thing keeping her together at moment and she doesn't want to go out and do things as she doesn't want to leave her room and that I shouldn't be interfering in her relationship.

AIBU not letting him stay?

This is an issue with many teen relationships, especially when the boy/girlfriend comes from a less than ideal background. They are immature and want their own way - and it is understandable that it is difficult to get them to see reason.

I would suggest separating the staying over and the mental health issues in your own head first. I think you said in another post that he had been staying overnight previously. Why don't you go back to that and decide how many nights is reasonable? Then think about what DC needs for mental health - in my experience some head space and alone time as well as company. Fresh air and exercise and something to look forward to are all good too. For instance, on a staying over night, you don't want boy/girlfriends turning up at 6pm. A later time would be more acceptable.

After making your decisions, I would sit down with both of them and tell them what you think is reasonable and say why (you both need to spend some time with your families, DD needs space to decompress after school/work. I'm sure you get the idea). Offer to let them go away and think about it and see if they can suggest a reasonable compromise, if there's something they don't agree with. Work on compromises together. Encourage dates - cinema is a good one, because there's little need to interact with others. A walk in the park, or go swimming would help DD.

As you say, don't try to discourage the relationship. Try to have them both interact with your family over occasional meals, TV watching etc. There is nothing like seeing a boy/girlfriend interact with your family to see them in a different light!

Dear heavens, it's true, isn't it, that teenage brains aren't properly developed! Otherwise, your daughter would have realised that bringing her BF's mates (who you have presumably never met) into your home was not safe behaviour. You need to have a long talk, not argument, about boundaries being respected and that she can and should say no to his requests sometimes.

Your daughter is using her MH problems to manipulate you.
I say this as someone who has been suicidal and is a self harmer!