If you got no help from family in past, how do you feel now?

[ImChangingInside]

I’ve 3 DC, 2 now at uni and the other in 6th form.

There have been times when this has been a real struggle. I literally had no support network for a lot of it. My DH worked away regularly for 3 months of the year. My mum was not alive when my DC were born, and my dad remarried and focused his time on her DC. I got phone calls, but that’s it. I don’t live in my home town, so no good friendships. When my DH is here he is really hands on, so lucky there.

On the other side I had in-laws who openly disliked me and didn’t want to help us, or more correctly, didn’t want to help ME. In all the years of having DC they helped us once, with 6 months notice for the need, and kicked up an almighty fuss over it. This was 10 years ago and I’ve never asked since, and they’ve not offered. DH and I were the first to have DC and my MIL made it clear that she was holding out for her DDs to have DC and be massively involved. That didn’t happen. PIL used to drive past my house to go to her other DC’s to put up shelves, help paint, do the garden and stay over, and never came near us, when I’d be on my own with DC for weeks and weeks. I’ve been here alone with DC and locked out, had to go to A&E, everyone’s got Covid, car broke down, house blacks out due to electricity issue…I’m surprised SS haven’t turned up.

Of course, I know that single mums do this all the time, and my dad, and my in-laws are not obliged to help me. Luckily for me I developed a small network of school mum friends who I trust, and have my back, and I can count on in an emergency.

The thing is, kids grow up.

As my user name says, I am changing inside. It started when my 2 eldest leant to drive. It literally took loads off my shoulders. They can do chores for me, they can cook. It’s brilliant. Now 2 are at Uni. I miss them loads, but at the same time I feel the stress of childcare lifting. I’ve got free time. I got a nice job, I love my work colleagues, and I’m going to up my hours when youngest goes to Uni. I’m doing my hobbies. I’m meeting my lovely friends (see above) who’ve been my rock for lunch and coffee. I feel like my old self. I feel great.

The thing is, our parents are in their 80’s and they aren’t happy with the level of contact they have with us. They aren’t happy constantly complaining about how we don’t care, and never see us, and how they are unwell (they aren’t, it’s just old age).

I hear my friends talking about the amount of time they spend helping their parents, even though some of them have been pretty toxic. Deep down I feel a bit guilty, and a bit selfish, but I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to spend time with them I’ve told my DH his siblings can look after his parents, and him if he wants to, although I don’t feel he should feel obliged when they’ve had so much off them, and he’s had nothing. I’m not giving up my free time. On my side, my siblings got the shit end of the stick from my dad too. Of course we’ll help him, but not at the expense of our own family. We’ve agreed this. I’ve also put in boundaries with him about constantly calling me and complaining,

So, I’m interested to hear from others with grown up DC who got no help, how they now feel about getting out the other side.

Also, AINBU in how I feel, or am I being a cow?

I understand not wanting to help parents in old age . Parents who are neglectful cannot expect their DC to care for them later on .
I don't think anyone should suffer guilt for not giving up their lives to care for elderly parents . To go from raising / caring for DC and then into caring for parents can be too big an ask . When is your own life going to start if you're sandwiched between generational caring duties .

I'm with you. Widowed with 2 kids under 5. Amazing help from friends. Not enough from family who lived locally (but gave me plenty of advice on how I was parenting wrong). I moved away after 5 years and now my mum is ageing she is very sad that I'm 3 hours away. I don't feel guilty and help a bit remotely where possible, but not at great expense to my wellbeing.

You reap what you sow. They can't reasonably expect to treat you like dirt and opt out of seeing you and helping you, then expect you to spend all your time helping them out. I wouldn't feel bad for a second. I would even go as far as to bluntly lay it out for them and explain exactly why I wasn't prepared to put myself out. They defined the relationship they wanted, expected you to suck it up, and now it's their turn to suck it up they want to redefine things. Tough shit.

When dh's parents didn't help at all when the dc were small, even when things were pretty extreme (my family live on another continent, so couldn't do much) we said to each other 'well, at least we know we won't have to care for them when they're old...'

And we don't. In fact, we haven't seen them in years.

I was born late 60s to a Mum who approached Motherhood like a job really - she put a lot of time and effort with us in the pre school years but then encouraged our independence and was very much of the opinion that you should be ready to be a fully fledged adult by 18.

Thank goodness she did a good job on that as i was totally grown up and ready to go by 18. And then she died when i was 20. She was married to my dad but he was a merchant navy guy who we weren't close to as he worked away so much.

He re married and i became estranged from him. When he died (many years later) i did not get anything from his will. My mum left me 1k i think which bought my driving lessons.

So, everything i now have in my life, i have achieved with no real parental support. And that is a very good feeling. To have independence and resilience. I am grateful for it.

I did not deliberately parent my own kids to leave home early but i suppose you parent how you were parented yourself to an extent. So my older 2 left at 18. We set them off with about 10k each and away they went.

Fully independent. They made their own way, set themselves up with very little input from us. So we see each of them 2 or 3 times a year now. Go on some hols together. We all get on but we don't talk every day. Weeks can pass.

My younger ones - one is disabled and cannot live independently so he is still home at 26.

Then we have one 22 that has boomeranged back from uni. And a 17 still home.

I don't expect or want any of my DC to help me or dh in old age. And they are not expected to help our disabled ds either.

I want them to go out and live their own lives. But maybe that comes from my being brought up to be capable and independent as an adult.

We’ve raised three children with SEND with no help or support from either my parents or dh’s. I will absolutely not be giving up any of my time to support any of them in old age. I’m knackered and still trying to carve out the odd 5 minutes for myself.

DH’s family have been openly hostile to me in my own home. If he wants to offer help that’s up to him but not me.

OP, you are 100% correct in your position.
I wouldn't engage in any conversation regarding them.
They are nothing to you now, just like you were nothing to them.
Shut your husband and his siblings down ruthlessly if it arises.
Husbands working away for months is very hard and they chose to not engage.
Absolutely THEIR choice all those years ago.
Now it is YOUR choice to follow their lead.
They made it very clear they had no wish to be around you and it would be wholly inappropriate for you to be providing any care for them.

A very close nursing friend of mine was in a very similar situation and juggled an absent husband for years, and her aging parents.
Her in laws never once helped but were very involved with their other son.

My friend retired around the time her in laws began to slow down.
Her husband was contacted directly by his brother about his and his parents expectations of her, lifts, appointments, bit of shopping etc..
To say she put her husband in his place is an understatement.
She put her BIL in his place too.

She is a very kind woman and actually might have helped out a bit, but the way they TOLD her what they expected has meant she has never been involved.

She has never regretted it as their needs became huge over the next few years, and with her profession she knows the family would have very quickly left her to it.
She continues to enjoy a lovely retirement and her husband does his bit when he is about.
Her line was very clear, I survived 20 years of no offer of help when her husband was away, parents ill, job busy, juggling two children.
I have no intention of being involved with people whom have never considered me family.

Her two children in their 20's have zero involvement as they were never close to them.

My friend never expected regular childcare from them, but they didn't help the one time she was desperately stuck so she never asked again.
Her friends helped her.

There's another thread running called 'Let them. (What have you walked away from and not looked back?)', which you might be interested in. Its a philosophy about letting go and dropping the rope.
You can't change other people, you can only change how you respond to them and how you feel about it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5187104-let-them-what-have-you-walked-away-from-and-not-looked-back

My parents had me to look after them in their old age

(I'm the only girl and the eldest of 4)

They had very little to do with me when I was growing up (my grandad brought me up) and they threw me out when the child benefit stopped

I went on to be a single mum and they refused to help-they openly hated us

If they did help,there was such a massive fuss made,it was better not to bother asking as there would be a massive fuss made,name calling and a firm 'no'

(My brothers got so much help and money-i got nothing)

Fast forward-im nc with them (they genuinely can't understand why) and their openly admitted plans for me to wipe their arses while my brothers get all the credit have gone up in a puff of smoke

After all,I should know my place as a female and do everything they want to do with no thanks or an expectation of being in their wills-its been made clear I was never going to inherit anything no matter what I did for them (it's not,and never was about the money)

They've reaped what they've sewn-if they'd thrown me a lifeline at times,I would have done the lot with no expectations (I'm not interested in their money-i hope they leave it all to charity)

As it is,they can rely on my brothers (who are not happy about this and are planning on dumping the work on the wives and girlfriends) while claiming all the credit for showing up once a month for an hour

All will be there when the will is read-after all,they've done a lot for each other and will have their greedy hands out for the prize

Following because my Dad focuses all of his time and efforts on my step siblings and their (many) children. He stopped prioritising me when I was 3.

3 decades later and they’ve never babysat or helped with school. Not even when we clearly needed help!

I live closest to them. So when shit hits the fan they call me first. It all came to a head this summer when I actually said to their faces “you reap what you sow” and it’ll be interesting to see how old age pans out for them. As I will not be there on call for them. I’ll pop in and say hi. That’ll be it.

I care deeply and I am highly sensitive. So I don’t know how I’ll cope with the guilt but I plan on booking many holidays or even moving away. They’ve caused endless heartache and rejection for my whole life.

I think you're totally justified in feeling the way that you do.
As PP has said, you reap what you sow!

I would tell your IL and your Dad exactly why you feel the way you do, and leave them with it.

You've done your parenting, you've struggled through the years, but you've got 2 kids to Uni, and another starting soon... This is your turn in life now.

Don't get saddled with caring for older relatives, who don't deserve it. Ok they're old, but that comes to us all. Old age is not a given right to behave badly or demand.

Focus on you now, and your family. Don't feel guilty, you deserve this.

It's your choice. Personally, I don't feel my parents had to have helped me raise my children, or given me a good childhood (neither of which they did) in order for me to help them in old age, but that's my own choice.

My friend was you.
Father re married and never bothered with his first family for 25 years.
His wife died and suddenly his step children were nowhere to be seen, their time spent with their birth father.

Within months he reached out trying to up contact with my friend, her siblings and suddenly asked about his grandchildren.
My friend was having none of it, neither were her siblings.
They surrounded her mother with devoted love for the last 20 years of her life, and repaid her sacrifices.
He actually contacted his ex to advocate for him...hilarious, after 25 years of disinterest.
He is sitting in a nursing home to this day with children who don't give him a single thought.

Well done you for speaking plainly.
Don't waste a moment on guilt, your father never did.

DH’s siblings have said they don’t want to give up their time to help PIL. I’m pretty sure they’ll come sniffing round my DH to pay for help so their inheritance isn’t impacted. I’m ready for that conversation too. Any spare money we have will be going on our own DC to help them.

I’m glad I posted this as I’m clear in my head where I’m at. My siblings know where I stand with my own parent, and they’re in the same camp. I’m ready for conversations re my PIL, and as someone just said, it needs to be a ruthless one. Bottom line is I’m not helping out with their care, it would be inappropriate anyway as they hate me (thanks for that tip), nor is any of our family money being tapped into. If they need help, they can liquidate some of their assets. They aren’t broke by any stretch of the imagination.

This was keeping me up at night. Not necessarily the guilt, more that I need to be clear on my stance because it’ll come up soon. It’s already being discussed by DH and siblings.

You are absolutely justified in your stance. I cannot believe that both sets of parents have the sheer cheek to abandon you and your family while you struggled but expect you to be the providers of care in their old age.

I'm so glad that you are prepared to be emotionally blackmailed and that you will stand firm.

On the Elderly Parents board, there are so many examples of people (I say people but I really mean women) who have been poorly treated or even abused by their parents while growing up, who have never received any help or support when struggling with young families but who still feel too guilty to say no and so step up to provide support for elderly parents. In many cases these women are still mistreated while providing this care and are at breaking point.

Exactly this. Most times in life, we give what we receive. You shouldn't have any guilt whatsoever. Live your life.

Being old, I have several friends who were reared as subtle second hand citizens in very middle class comfortable backgrounds. Boys fully paid for Uni, no need for part time jobs, girls having to work hard to pay to get through.

Boys gifted fine deposits, or sites etc.
Girls given a very modest gift at weddings they paid for.
Boys children fawned over, girls not.
They maintained relationships with their parents, but not closely.

Each and every one of them were spoken to about stepping up and doing their bit by their parents whilst their brothers would be considered too busy with important careers.

They very calmly explained they were far too busy with their families and careers and maybe their well paid brothers living nearby should pay for care having had so much given to them over the years.

One sister capitulated briefly but it caused her too much stress/annoyance so she withdrew when she saw exactly what was involved and they are now psying for expensive home help.
It is a surprisingly common theme.

The saddest part is it is not just their fathers, their mothers were all equally involved with the favouritism, but very very shocked when their daughters lobbed it back at them having silently sucked it up for decades.

I think some parents are stunned to realise they haven't gotten away with it, just because their daughters have never said anything.