Texting

[Lollyp2]

Please read this message and tell me AIBU?

MY DH texting his female friend.
They usually have chats here and there and I have noticed my DH being touchy with her.He loves hanging out with her and her BF.

DH: "Hi my beauty, any chance you are working today?I am looking for a lift"

Reply from female friend/OW : Hi darling.No I am not working.Is everything okay?

My DH: Yes just looking for a lift.
How is your mum (the beauty) doing?

Female friend: She is doing alright thanks! Awful illness but okay.

My DH: Great that she is doing okay.
She deserves to be better.Have a nice evening.

This is my DH having a conversation with OW who I have concerns about that they are possibly having an subtle affair

Hard to tell without seeing more messages but it sounds like he's the one being more forward.

On the plus side it's good that he hangs out with her partner too (I'm assuming that's the case).

Would there be an opportunity for all 4 of you to go out for dinner / drinks so you could suss the situation out and show her that you are a united front, or do you already know them both?

But ultimately he's the one that needs to be changing his behaviour. There may not be anything going on now, but as we know, it is often how affairs start. Have you spoken to him about this?

His messages sound creepy and she sounds like she’s just being polite (presumably thinks she can’t just ignore him as has do work with him). I would not be happy about my husband calling any woman ‘my beauty’.

I don't want to sound or be petty .
My DH says that all these names he calls women are endearing names which mean nothing to him.
The only worry is that as we walk along the streets at home every woman he meets has a name like " hey lover" hey beauty" "hey babe"

We have spoken about it but he clearly can't stop using the names.
I worry if one day our children will ask me why he calls other women lover and babe

I don’t think the messages sound like they are having an affair. He’s using ‘beauty’ for her mother too, so it does sound like it’s a phrase he uses for all women. I know men and women who use cutesy language to refer to others, it’s not my choice, but I don’t think they mean it disrespectfully (although it can come across like that). Incidentally those I know are either over 70 or from the North of England.

If his cutesy language bothers you and I can see why it would (for me it’s disrespectful lumping all women together by one name when they can use their actual name), then you need to talk to him about it.

Their texts sound like two people who are acquaints though, not people who know each other that well, and definitely not well enough for an affair.

He sounds really creepy. Surely you knew this before you married and had children?

Or is it new behaviour?

I would hate it and be really embarrassed.

Weird adding (the beauty) about her mum when asking how she is! He sounds like he thinks he’s super charming but most people probably find that OTT. The fact that she calls him darling in texts is a bit over familiar too. Saying it in speech is one thing, it can just be how people talk, but typing it out is a deliberate act.

They’ve probably fallen into this way of talking to each other and now it would feel rude not to (my DP and I call each other lovely one or my love on texts and if he didn’t I’d think he was cross with me!). As your H calls all women beauty etc then it’s not necessarily an indicator that he’s cheating with this particular woman, but I wouldn’t like it and if you’ve pointed it out and he’s still doing it he’s being disrespectful at the very least.

@Grepes I think one defining thing here is that my DH is calling OW (my beauty) and calling her mum (the beaut).
My view is that he is acknowledging how much he loves both because he doesn't call his own mother beauty.

My DH has known OW since she started dating his friend and I can tell you he has grown so close to her more than he is close to his guy friend.

They are as close as they sometimes for a swim in the sea by themselves.
I am beginning to find out these things as we go by.

My DH is also quite touchy with her.
This is why I am am worried.
Too many little things suggesting an affair

Out of interest, what goes he call you?

He sounds creepily gross in an 'avoid like the plague' way..

I use this kind of language with men who aren’t my partner but with whom I have a good, bantery type relationship. I use the same language with women also.

OK have you told him how it makes you feel?

If you said he had to tone it down or you would leave, what would happen?

Is English his first language? The 'my beauty' and 'the beauty' stuff is gross but I have friends who address everybody as 'dear' (I assume because they've been taught it's polite) when they learned English, and I think there's a difference in that it's fine from them but would be insufferable from a native English speaker.

Is he Cornish? This is completely normal in Cornwall.

@SashMontgomery he lived in Cornwall as a child but we now live in Brussels.
In Cornwall are you saying its normal to call women "my beauty"? So then what do you call your wife?

Another one here thinking those sayings are very Cornish sayings...used by women to women as well.

That doesn't sound like a physical affair. Just read the OP so far.

My first thought reading it is that it's a regional thing. Now that you've confirmed he grew up in Cornwall, it will ge something he's developed as a child. It's weird going to Cornwall the first time and having sixty year old shop assistants say "Here you go my lover!"

Yes completely normal.

my beauty, my lover, my handsome, my beaut, shag, pard, bird, maid.

All completely normal and used by both genders.

Maybe normal in Cornwall but not in Brussels, and I'm sure he's aware of that.

As someone else said, he thinks he's charming but he actually sounds quite creepy.

This is so interesting!! Thank you for posting I thought he just sounded creepy (sorry OP)!

No it’s just how he grew up speaking. It’s quite difficult to change your vocab. I don’t change my dialect or accent depending on where I live.

Where is he from? Is it a regional thing?
In Cornwall, lots of people, especially older ones, still call everyone “my lover”.

This sounds completely normal middle aged guy from Cornwall speak to me I have to say.

I think you should try and seperate the actions (swimming together, how much time they may be spending together etc) from the language, which sounds normal to me, especially if he does it in person with other people when you are there (spunds like he does).

Doesn't mean that something couldnt be going on of course but i dont find tge language suspicious.

I was wondering if Cornish and yes if so this is normal.
I also have a friend who is Asian who uses dear or my dear a lot (to males and females).
On their own I don't think these messages are suspicious at all

@ThinWomansBrain
He calls me "my angel" or "beautiful".

The interesting thing is that it's only OW he will text and say "my beauty" to.
Followed by the lingering hugs I have noted and always wanting to touch some part of her.

@SashMontgomery
Thank you!
I appreciate the cornish language.
I think I want to separate the language and why would my DH be going for a dip/swim at night with OW or any other day by themselves especially in the evening?

I went through the messages today and it seems my DH was the one always asking for the "dip".

The OW I feel may know what my DH is attempting and tried to be elusive but at the same time loving the attention.
When we hang out with them she really tries not to get near him and behaves weirdly like fidgety.
Last time we visited their house, she declined to sit next to him until I convinced her to and when she did, my DH began chatting to her about her unwell relative and next thing I saw was him touching her hair not once but twice while they were chatting.

I am really trying not to be petty but I don't know what to make of these bits and bobs 😞