AIBU to not know how to deal with this kind of person?

[YellowPolkaDotBikini1980]

I'm already low contact because they are irritating but cutting them off entirely would mean seeing a lot less of young relatives and they are not a terrible person, just annoying.

Basically, the problem is that any idea not from their own brain is rejected. Three examples -

(1) Me: "That needs a Phillips head screwdriver. Here is one in my hand right now."
Them: "Let me see what type of screwdriver it needs." Gets toolbox. Rummages around. After 15 minutes - "I think it needs a Phillips head screwdriver."

(2) Me: Let's go to the park after the kids have a nap otherwise they will be cranky.
Them: Live a little! Be spontaneous!

Go to the park. Kids are cranky. Too wound up to nap when we get back from the park.

(3) Them: I want to book a holiday to [popular holiday destination] for Easter.
Me: "My old flatmate actually lives there now and she says Easter isn't great, the weather at that time of year is not great. Christmas Hols or Summer is better.
Them: Let me Google it.
Half an hour later.
Ooh, look here. It says Easter has Monsoons and Christmas or June is better.

When I point this pattern out, it's "why do you always have to have a go at me."

It's irritating as fuck. Has anyone navigated this type of person successfully?

Yes.

Or they are looking for something that I know isn’t where they think it is but they will still empty the entire thing out to find that it is in fact not there just as I told them, it’s not fucking there.

or, can’t have a civilised conversation about nothing in particular because they are extremely opinionated, never wrong and will not be told anything other than their own views.

They feel it their duty to tell people their opinions because they are “straight talking”.

Yes OP, I feel your pain.

I wait until they expound their great idea (that I've already told them) and then say, "Oh yes, great idea!" Or "Fancy that, who would have thought it?"

I know people like that - it's incredibly irritating.

I'm thinking it stems from some kind of insecurity. I honestly don't know what to do.

Simple- stop giving them advice. When they say they want to do XYZ just say "sounds great". The issue here is that they arent listening to you and think they know it all anyway so let THEM research it, they arent listening to your opinion anyway so you're just screaming into the void! You may as well be talking to the cat.

Even better if they go full on into something and it turns out to be shit. Sometimes its the only way people like this will learn.

The problem is that some of the things they decide to do affect me. So their dumb ideas will impact my life sometimes.

The only one of the three scenarios you list that affects you is the taking the children to the park one, and assuming they’re your children, you just do whatever you’ve decided.

Sure, I can see it’s irritating. But maybe they find you telling them what to do irritating too.

If it involves your children or something you have control over just use the broken record technique "No, that is not a good idea due to xyz", if they then say "live a little!- come on!" repeat again, and again and again and again. Dont alter the phrase in any way, just keep repeating it and keep the emotional temperature low and calm but do not back down. Imagine an iron fist in a velvet glove.

Dont get upset or angry but be firm, polite, and unrelenting.

You need much better boundaries. You need to stop taking it personally and you need to stop agreeing to things you don’t want to.

Yes, it’s wildly infuriating. But you know what they’re like and you can’t change them, only your reactions to them.

With the screwdriver thing, I'd just start using the screwdriver in my hand to do whatever it is, while they're rummaging.

With the other things, I'd get up and go home. If they queried why later, I'd tell them it didn't seem like they were listening to anything I said, so I thought they wouldn't miss me.

They are the type to huff and sulk if I were to have just gone ahead and used the screwdriver, because they were 'in charge' of the thing.

Huffing and sulking isn't an argument though, right? You don't have to care or react or even act like you've noticed. It's like tantrums in kids - if you teach them that they can get their way by doing it, they keep doing it. Nothing will ever change if you reward daft behaviour.

So bloody what? let them huff and puff- the world isnt going to stop turning on its axis just because they choose to have a strop. They cant have an argument with you if you refuse to engage in it.

I feel like you're just shooting down every suggestion we make. There is no magical miracle phrase here that will change this person - you either put with it, or put boundaries in place.

Also, I dont understand how this person's decisions are affecting your life so much if you are low contact with them already...

It's decisions affecting the care of an elderly relative.

Is this a male relative? Anyway, an adult like that is not going to change, so just stop playing the game, don’t offer any help at all, even if they ask for it say “I don’t know”. In other situations the mumsnet classic “no is a complete sentence” might actually apply for once. It’s clear they don’t actually want any help or advice from you, so stop helping/advising.

It's decisions affecting the care of an elderly relative

It doesnt matter- presumably they are an adult and dont have dementia which puts them at risk, in which case they can make their own decisions- doesnt mean you have to get into disagreements or arguments with them about it. If they get angry, let them get angry.

Just because someone is older doesnt mean you have to do whatever they say.

You have to learn to pick your battles I think and only go in on the things that are actually effecting you. The rest of it let it flow over you and be able to laugh about it afterwards. This actually sounds not dissimilar to having a teenager who always thinks they know best.

You're going to have to explain the care of an elderly.relative thing because, as far as I can see, everyone else on here is giving you sound advice.

If you know a j0b needs a particular tool akd ypu have one, let them go off rummaging amd just get the job done. Who cares if they huff a little? Just ignore it.

As.far as anything to do with your children is concerned, the park incident was on you really. It sounds a little.like insecurity on your part too if you can't stand your ground and say, "No, you can go to the park now, but I'm going after mine has napped," instead of feeling pressured becaise someone told you be spontaneous.

If they want to book a holiday somewhere, just let them. Either, they'd have done the research themselves and realised the weather issues themselves or they wouldn't and wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

They might find your constant advice to be contrary.

I'd imagine you're both a little irritated by each other tbh and it's become a bit of a battle for each of you.

If it something that actually affects you, say something and stand your ground. If it's only something that will affect them, let them get on with it.

The problem is that you both think you're right, and you're both frustrated that the other doesn't listen.

I had a grandparent like that. He would always heat up the teapot before using it. I told him he didn’t have to because it was a metal teapot and you only had to heat up China teapots to stop them cracking. He looked so pained. I could tell he found me irritating as hell 🤣

I guessed before you said it that the relative was elderly.
I think it’s a desire to keep control and independence. As people get older they just think a little slower, and although still capable of doing things themselves, younger people often get there before them. I think this behaviour is a determination not to surrender their independence for the convenience of others.

When children or young people are trying to do something that we could do better or faster, we stand back and let them do it themselves rather than butt in and do it for them. I suggest taking this same approach with your elderly relative.

I agree with @GreyCarpet let them get on with it and find out for themselves.

When it comes to things that affect you, do this:

As.far as anything to do with your children is concerned, the park incident was on you really. It sounds a little.like insecurity on your part too if you can't stand your ground and say, "No, you can go to the park now, but I'm going after mine has napped," instead of feeling pressured becaise someone told you be spontaneous

As a PP has said, just because they are elderly does not mean you have to meekly obey them and override your own wishes. You say no and thats the end of it- if they get huffy then ignore it and/or leave them to it.

Ok trying with a bit of an objective take on it, if the screwdriver thing was a real situation, did you have to actually be involved, if it’s a task and one person is doing it, however methodical they are being, is it best not to interfere, that in itself can be annoying and if they had asked you to be, you can just say you’ve got this, you don’t need my help.

the holiday thing, well that also could have been left alone in the same way, my partner is like this, I just nod to all his options and he comes to his conclusion EVENTUALLY. If the destination that’s decided on really isn’t suitable I would outright say no. Same with your park situation, you have to be firm with the word no if the outcome is like what you described, huffing and puffing gets ignored.

I don't want to get into the ins and outs, but we have an elderly, childless aunt, so all the cousins chip in. He always wants to take a contrarian position.

The kids weren't my kids. They belong to another relative who is quite shy and is easily bulldozed by Mr All- Knowing. So instead of a nice get together, we had an afternoon of cranky kids.

The thing is I am objectively right, like in the examples. I usually just bite my tongue but then, like in the examples given it becomes hard to ignore. E.g. we were having a conversation about upcoming holidays.

I have the opposite problem with a relative. They ASK for advice then go and check with someone else (or google) to check I’m correct 🙄 I don’t bother anymore, I just say “I don’t know”. Drop the rope @YellowPolkaDotBikini1980 it’ll keep you sane

You said aunt but refer to them as "he"?

Anyway, either way, no need to bite your tongue- just detach emotionally and let them get on with it. If it takes them an hour longer to complete a task because they wont accept advice then so be it- its them that will be inconvenienced. If its not actually your children then its not really inconveniencing you is it?- its up to their parents to enforce a boundary/deal with the kids. If the kids get unbearable then I'd just say breezily, I have to go now, I've got work to catch up on at home- have a great rest of the day and leave.

You seem very focused on being right but who cares- you know you are right internally but if they wont accept it then they'll have to find out the hard way. Once you drop the battle for being right, life gets much calmer.