AIBU to not know how to deal with this kind of person?

[YellowPolkaDotBikini1980]

I'm already low contact because they are irritating but cutting them off entirely would mean seeing a lot less of young relatives and they are not a terrible person, just annoying.

Basically, the problem is that any idea not from their own brain is rejected. Three examples -

(1) Me: "That needs a Phillips head screwdriver. Here is one in my hand right now."
Them: "Let me see what type of screwdriver it needs." Gets toolbox. Rummages around. After 15 minutes - "I think it needs a Phillips head screwdriver."

(2) Me: Let's go to the park after the kids have a nap otherwise they will be cranky.
Them: Live a little! Be spontaneous!

Go to the park. Kids are cranky. Too wound up to nap when we get back from the park.

(3) Them: I want to book a holiday to [popular holiday destination] for Easter.
Me: "My old flatmate actually lives there now and she says Easter isn't great, the weather at that time of year is not great. Christmas Hols or Summer is better.
Them: Let me Google it.
Half an hour later.
Ooh, look here. It says Easter has Monsoons and Christmas or June is better.

When I point this pattern out, it's "why do you always have to have a go at me."

It's irritating as fuck. Has anyone navigated this type of person successfully?

Dealing with someone who consistently disregards your input can be exhausting, especially when you're trying to keep the peace for the sake of maintaining relationships with others, like younger relatives. The frustration is totally valid, and the examples you gave show how dismissing someone else's contributions can create unnecessary tension.
One approach is to frame your suggestions more neutrally, without expecting immediate agreement. Sometimes, people like this feel the need to reach conclusions on their own terms, and trying to assert something upfront makes them resistant. For example, you could say, "I’ve noticed XYZ might work, but let’s double-check." This keeps them from feeling like you're telling them what to do, while still planting the idea.

This.

I think stop telling them what to do all the time.
It must be as irritating as hell.
I think they're trying to make a point and you're not getting it.

Some people are raised in low trust environments where you learn the hard way not to take anyone’s facts at face value. Therapy can help those people put things into perspective as to what needs verifying and what really doesn’t matter, but most people brought up to not trust other people tend to unsurprisingly not often trust therapy either.

> You said aunt but refer to him as he

Aunt = elderly relative - we (and other relatives) are involved in care. This is one of the reasons I can't completely distance myself, and why there are so many irritating interactions.

Thanks for all the good advice.

It just seems unfair though. E.g. Mr All-knowing wants to faff about with the toolbox. Drags out a 2 minute task to 30 minutes (stopping the whole group because the activity can't continue while repairs are happening). Or Mr All-knowing winds up kids.

Following the advice of PP I am the one who has to step away. So instead of enjoying an afternoon with extended family I have the option of (a) spending an afternoon with wound up kids or (b) cutting short my visit. I'm sure anyone can see that is irritating/unfair.

Ooh, yes, OP, I'm an expert in this 🤣
I've read your latest post and guess you've been given good advise. I would say:

1. Distance: more of it, in your case, if you need it (cutting short your visits is great).
2. Acceptance: it is what it is. Frustrating and ennerving and totally unfair. Yes.
3. Humour: it's so predictable that it is even funny. I've survived many interactions with this kind of people by looking at it as a comedy writer would! Find an accomplice (mine is my DH) who knows the situation. Sometimes we even play the "bingo" with these people (trying to guess what are they going to say/do before we meet with them). It helps to detach a little and not take it so personally (he/she is the one with the problem, not you). Btw: I'm not saying "laugh at his/her face"! Just a humorous disposition.

Good luck!

But why do you need to give constant advice. Ok relative is a pain but you don't need to feed into it. He's thinking of a holiday you say thats nice or if you want to add anything extra my friend lives there she thinks its lovely. No need to offer advice on what time of year he should be going. Hunting for a screwdriver just bung the one you are holding back in the box for him to find.

I'm not giving 'constant advice'.

If someone was talking about taking a holiday to a place you are familiar with, a normal human interaction would have you sharing some information you think is helpful.

If I were talking to you and saying 'I'm thinking about buying a Ford Fiesta,' or whatever, a normal response from you would be 'Oh, we had a Ford Fiesta for ten years, it was very reliable.' or 'We had a ford Fiesta and it kept breaking down.'

With this person you can't even have that kind of interaction.

But as you know you can't have that interaction then why keep attempting it. If you just nod and say that's nice it will be a lot less frustrating than saying something you know will be disregarded

It sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other - it sounds like you both like being right - you giving them advice because you think you know best, and them not listening because they think they know best. Equally irritating IMO.

And I would also think the type of advice also plays a part. If to use your scenario the car reliable sounds good a positive help, but always breaking down is negative. If someone(and I am not saying you are) is consistently pointing out the downside to your plans that can be wearing and frustrating and make you not want to listen.

If someone was talking about taking a holiday to a place you are familiar with, a normal human interaction would have you sharing some information you think is helpful

But this is what we are saying- you arent having "normal" interactions with this person because they arent listening to you at all, so stop doing it. You are expecting to have a normal interaction with someone who isnt responding in a normal manner. It's not "helpful" information to this person because they literally dont care what you think or care for your opinion.

It's like expecting to get apples from a lemon tree- it's not possible. Thats why we are saying to stop engaging in these pointless and frustrating interactions because you arent achieving anything except raising your blood pressure!

My mother is like that and I’ve distanced myself emotionally and physically. This way whatever she decided doesn’t impact me

But why can't the activity continue? If you all do just continue, how can he stop you? You don't have to dance to his tune. You could just do the repair while he messes with the toolbox, and ignore any sulking. Or you could all just go in another room and leave him and the job and his toolbox to get on with it.

As someone else said, there is no magic combination of words which will turn this person into another sort of person. You cannot control how someone else behaves, you can only control your own response to it. (When he sees his silly behaviour isn't getting the reaction he wants, he may change it. But maybe not. That's up to him). You can choose not to be scared of "huffing" and other stuff that doesn't have any actual power over you. You can choose to socialise with your other relatives at your house or their houses or public places or whatever, without involving him; he doesn't have to control your interactions with other people. It's your choice. You just need to stop expecting him to be any different, and choose how (and when, and if) you interact with him. It's up to you.

This happens all the time with my in laws. They don’t value what I say, that’s why.

So it doesn’t matter what I say, they need to come to it themselves and will firmly believe I didn’t say something.

I become a bit petulant after a while, it’s something I hate about myself; so eventually I started saying things like “pahahhaha I just said that” or “isn’t that what I said 10 mins ago” or talking over them to the person next to me “is she repeating what I just said”

So now I just don’t see them so much anymore basically 🤣 when I do see them I keep quiet and laugh at how long it takes them to come to sense.

You don't actually have to be polite you know? Be direct. Stand up for yourself. So what if he sulks, is he going to punch you or otherwise cause actual harm?

Agree with pp who said humour!

My grandad was like this, comedically determined to derail every conversation, pick apart every plan, criticise and nitpick everything anyone ever said. My mum was very triggered as obviously she experienced it as an abusive father figure growing up. But my God his behaviour and tone was hilariously predictable and outlandish. By the final few visits I burst out laughing after a while and had to go for some fresh air as I just couldn't keep a straight face any more.

Try laughter!

Having read your examples, I would feel quite critiqued in their position. I have known people who love to "help" (from their perspective) but it can feel like correcting from mine. Some people always can see how to improve other people and itch to do so. I'm also not great with criticism.

Now you might not be that kind of person, of course, but maybe it would useful to think about if that's how this person might feel.

In those situations, I might feel I'm being accommodating by looking up which kind of screwdriver is needed in a curious "interesting suggestion, let's look it up..." attitude. I don't feel obliged to follow other people's advice if it was unsolicited. Especially if it doesn't involve them at all. I think it's more polite to respond like that than to just tell them to butt out!