AIBU for Inviting Family to Australia?

[freebirdblue]

My sister and I both live in Australia, though we’re originally from the UK. She’s in her thirties, engaged, with kids, and owns her home. Growing up, her relationship with our parents wasn’t great, and I’d say both sides were at fault. Now, I feel my sister can still be selfish and ungrateful. She holds grudges, especially against our parents. For example, when she asked our mum to babysit (when we all lived in the UK), and mum couldn’t make the trip, my sister never let it go and still often claims mum wasn’t supportive (because of it) - for context, our parents lived two hours away, and they’re low-income, so spontaneous travel wasn’t easy/affordable for them.

Our mum is generous and thoughtful. She loves finding pieces and sends clothes across for my sister’s kids, but my sister looks down on them because she assumes mum only bought them because they were possibly on sale. Last year my older sister claimed she didn’t have money to buy anyone presents (but bought her in laws expensive gifts) so I bought everyone gifts on her behalf.

On the other hand, my sister has been very supportive of me since I moved here. I currently live in her spare room, pay minimal rent, and she cooks dinner for me every night. So while she can be difficult towards our parents, she can also be caring towards me.

Recently, I offered to fly our mum and younger sibling over to visit us in October as a Christmas present. Before extending the invite, I asked my sister if she’d be okay hosting, and she nodded yes, so I went ahead and confirmed with our family. But tonight, when we discussed it again, my sister said she and her partner plan to return to the UK next year and won’t have any annual leave left to entertain our family, saying that I could just do it. When I pressed her on whether they’d still be around in October, she said they’re saving and would go whenever it’s most affordable. When I asked if she’d prefer our family not to come, she avoided giving me a straight answer.

I love my sister but on occasions like this, I can’t help but feel frustrated with her and feel negative about her as a person.

So AIBU for being annoyed? I’ve already invited our mum and sister, but now I feel like they aren’t welcome, and I’m unsure how to handle this with both my sister and our mum.
My sister also knows they can’t afford a hotel and that I most likely won’t be in a situation (flatshare) where I could put them up either.

sounds like really your sister doesn't want to see your parents - which is obviously a really big issue and not one that can be resolved in a single conversation.

I think if they don't get on then asking her to host so you can see them probably wasn't ever going to work. She should have been more honest upfront though. If they might be moving back to the UK then I would just mention to your parents that the situation has changed so don't book tickets.

She doesn't want to spend time with them. She isn't stopping you from doing so. You nod along and consider yourself fortunate to have a sister who's happy to put you up practically rent free and still accommodate your wishes Do you not see how cheeky it is to use your money to fly your family over to Australia, whilst freeloading yourself?

The only way for our mum and younger sibling to visit is if my sister hosts them, and she’s fully aware of that. I didn’t think their relationship was that bad, because my sister talks to mum on FaceTime when I’m on a call with her. My sister also has no problem messaging mum to ask for UK goodies she misses or accepting money from her.

My sister and her partner are only travelling to the UK for a holiday (14-21 days) and said they’d more than likely go across in April or May, there has never been any mention of October which is why I suggested that month.

She didn't say they can't come and you shouldn't have asked her that again after she already gave you a go ahead. Whether you sister is there or not is irrelevant to the rest of the family plans. Do nothing. Enjoy the time with your mum. Your sister did nothing wrong here. In fact, she was more than generous in her offer to host and is free to make whatever plans she wishes for that period.

It sounds like you and your sister have very different relationships with your parents. I get you asked if she was ok hosting but did you give her time to consider her answer? Did you make it clear it wasn’t a problem if she didn’t want too? To me it feels a bit cheeky asking them to stay at her house when you know they don’t have a great relationship.

You can't invite people, even your parents, to stay with someone else! Even if she's they daughter.
You're getting bed and board for next to nothing, and now expecting her to host, entertain and feed them because YOU'VE invited them?

It's not your house to invite them to!

Ah ok I misunderstood about the moving back part. So basically she is saying she won't take time off to host them but that they can stay? Or do you think she's really rescinding the invitation? I think this sounds like she is trying to support you but isn't really interested in seeing your family herself.

Are you worried that it will be hurtful to your family if she's not involved as much? Can you host them on your own or were you relying on your sister to ferry them around or fund them in a way you can't do? Maybe if you explain that your sister had no annual leave to take so will just see them in the evenings/ weekends then at least they know the plan upfront and can decide what they want to do.

Better still speak again to your sister and clarify her exact expectations and what she is willing to do.

Far from freeloading, I only moved to Australia because my sister was feeling depressed and lonely, and she asked me to relocate.

I pay $$$ per week in rent and say it's minimal because it's about half of the typical rental prices here. I’ve offered to pay more, but my sister always declines and even gets offended if I try to send extra money, returning it to me.

For my first two months here, I only worked casually and didn’t travel because I was helping them with childcare while my brother-in-law’s parents were away. I also cover the costs of big family outings, like trips to the zoo or AFL games, and I regularly take my niece and nephew on trips.

On top of that, I treat my sister and her partner to a monthly date night, covering the costs ($$$) and babysitting for them. I often babysit so they can have time together or to themselves, and I wake up early on weekends to take care of the kids, giving them a chance to sleep in.

All in all, what I save in rent, they save more on in terms of childcare and babysitting. We both acknowledge that it's quite balanced.

Has she actually said that they can’t stay at her house?

Did she ask her partner and confirm before you extended the invite? A proper conversation should have been had. You need to accept that your sister doesn't feel the same way about your Mum as you do and it isn't for you to say that she is wrong.

Under the circumstances, I think more of a conversation than a nod yes might have been better, as you were inviting them to stay in someone else's house. But as things stand, it sounds like your sister has no objection to them staying with you at her house, just won't/can't commit to actively hosting or even being there herself? If so, I think you can go ahead with your plans as long as you're sure your sister won't have moved away and left you homeless before the visit.

Also, I would stop doing things like buying presents from your sister to your mother unless she explicitly asked you to do that. Your sister seems to have a lot of patience for you, but it's fundamentally unfair to manipulate things between her and other family members. She's an adult and has the right to manage her own relationships and if your mother wants to push back (for example, if your mother thinks that your sister is taking advantage asking for "UK goodies") that's got to be up to her.

I don’t think you can offer to host in someone else’s house unless the person you’re renting from is fully on board with it. I know that’s frustrating and disappointing. None of the rest of the back story really matters, because regardless of whether she’s right or wrong it’s her house.

your request for her to host to be insinuated that it was so they could stay at her home. Having to take annual leave when it’s your gift I think is unreasonable of you to accept and then take offence and be annoyed.

you both clearly have very different relationships with your parents and neither one should accept you to change those. It’s your gift then you take leave from your job to entertain. Because in essence expecting her to take annual leave when they come that’s what you are wanting from her not to host and have the stay at her house but you are miffed because she’s not prepared to use her annual holiday to entertain xx

You invite = you host

Siblings often have different memories and views of their parents. Neither of your opinions negates the other.

Your sisters relationship with them isn’t good; and is limited to being friendly when you’re on FaceTime with your mum. That’s not your problem to fix. She doesn’t really want them to come over, but she’s not said they can’t - just that she won’t be there. That’s really, really reasonable.

Yours is different and you’d rather fly them over. That’s lovely, although I do think they should make some contribution to costs; and if they can’t; it’s not a holiday they can afford to take right now.

To be honest, in your situation, I’d be mapping out how it can work without using your sisters home as a base for parents she has a difficult relationship with, because your sister is lovely to you and it sounds like you’ve got a good relationship, and I wouldn’t want to sour that. If it’s not possible, perhaps you go home for Christmas instead?

But even if you keep things as they are, don’t expect your sister to use up valuable AL on your parents when she doesn’t want to see them. It’s enough that she’s willing to have them in her house. More than enough.

I was wondering if maybe her DH was starting to say things like this in the background! I can understand op that with the tensions between your Dsis and mum you immediately connected it to that, but it may be a more straightforward objection to the arrangement . I do admire your efforts to keep everyone together and in contact.

I actually wish you were my sister!

ETA but I can see from her DH’s pov it might all be starting to seem like “ Relation Invasion!”

Having people to stay for 2-3 weeks tests the best of relationships so I’m not sure why you thought this was a good idea. Presumably your sister has either thought about it properly or has had a conversation with her partner and it sounds like it isn’t something she really wants. Pushing ahead is going to cause all kinds of grief - you really can’t issue an invite like that unless you are the only person affected. If you can’t afford independent accommodation for them I think you need to go back and make whatever excuse you need to to withdraw the invite.

This

Recently, I offered to fly our mum and younger sibling over to visit us in October as a Christmas present. Before extending the invite, I asked my sister if she’d be okay hosting, and she nodded yes, so I went ahead and confirmed with our family. But tonight, when we discussed it again, my sister said she and her partner plan to return to the UK next year and won’t have any annual leave left to entertain our family, saying that I could just do it.

Are you planning taking annual leave to entertain them? Your sister has said they can stay at her home but that she hasn’t enough annual leave so can you not do the entertaining whilst she is at work and then sister can see them after work?

Why are people saying she can’t invite people when she said she asked her sister first and she said yes?
I think your sister sounds really entitled and it’s a shame for you that you can’t all come together, I’d be upset to

YABU. She said she couldn’t afford to buy family Christmas presents and now she’s working out her holiday based on affordability. You might want to check in with her about if you should be paying more rent or making plans to move out. Or maybe she doesn’t want to see your family.

You seem to be able to take a lot of credit for Xmas gifts when she is subsidising your life. If you want to keep freeloading off her like this, you should be very careful how you approach conversations where you don’t understand her approach.

I understand that you love and care for both your older sister, and you mother, and your younger sister.

But your older sister is entitled to her own opinion of your parents, and her own relationship with them.

Even if you help your older sister a lot, with many things, I think that you have to accept that you live in her spare room, and that it is the decision of her and her partner if they want to host her mother and other sister.
You write that "she nodded yes". Perhaps it would have been better if you had a real discussion about the situation.

You write that your mother and sister can not afford to stay at a hotel. Is there any chance that they can afford to stay at a hostel, or a cheaper hotel?

I hope everything will work out for you all.

@YouveGotAFastCar wrote
"Siblings often have different memories and views of their parents. Neither of your opinions negates the other."

I agree with this.