AIBU for Inviting Family to Australia?

[freebirdblue]

My sister and I both live in Australia, though we’re originally from the UK. She’s in her thirties, engaged, with kids, and owns her home. Growing up, her relationship with our parents wasn’t great, and I’d say both sides were at fault. Now, I feel my sister can still be selfish and ungrateful. She holds grudges, especially against our parents. For example, when she asked our mum to babysit (when we all lived in the UK), and mum couldn’t make the trip, my sister never let it go and still often claims mum wasn’t supportive (because of it) - for context, our parents lived two hours away, and they’re low-income, so spontaneous travel wasn’t easy/affordable for them.

Our mum is generous and thoughtful. She loves finding pieces and sends clothes across for my sister’s kids, but my sister looks down on them because she assumes mum only bought them because they were possibly on sale. Last year my older sister claimed she didn’t have money to buy anyone presents (but bought her in laws expensive gifts) so I bought everyone gifts on her behalf.

On the other hand, my sister has been very supportive of me since I moved here. I currently live in her spare room, pay minimal rent, and she cooks dinner for me every night. So while she can be difficult towards our parents, she can also be caring towards me.

Recently, I offered to fly our mum and younger sibling over to visit us in October as a Christmas present. Before extending the invite, I asked my sister if she’d be okay hosting, and she nodded yes, so I went ahead and confirmed with our family. But tonight, when we discussed it again, my sister said she and her partner plan to return to the UK next year and won’t have any annual leave left to entertain our family, saying that I could just do it. When I pressed her on whether they’d still be around in October, she said they’re saving and would go whenever it’s most affordable. When I asked if she’d prefer our family not to come, she avoided giving me a straight answer.

I love my sister but on occasions like this, I can’t help but feel frustrated with her and feel negative about her as a person.

So AIBU for being annoyed? I’ve already invited our mum and sister, but now I feel like they aren’t welcome, and I’m unsure how to handle this with both my sister and our mum.
My sister also knows they can’t afford a hotel and that I most likely won’t be in a situation (flatshare) where I could put them up either.

You clearly didn’t read one of my previous replies before commenting? In terms of the gifts I subsidised, no one was aware bar my sister that I had done the same. I have also offered to pay more multiple times but they refuse.

Just an update.

My sister reached out and said that our mum and sister are more than welcome to come and stay, but reiterated that they won’t have annual leave to take off and spend with them. For context, my sister works part-time, and her partner is off evenings and weekends so there is still opportunities there for us to spend time together.

I lightly discussed the situation with my mum (without saying too much) and she said she would be happy to stay in a hotel, and will budget accordingly for it as she has a year to save. Just as an FYI: I will be taking two weeks off work while they’re here (which was always my plan) for those of you saying I’m expecting my sister to host and entertain.

I did say to my sister I was sorry for inviting them when it’s her house without properly discussing and would understand if she didn’t want to host, but my sister explained that they actually have no problem hosting but it is bad timing for them because they don’t have annual leave and they won’t have money either for activities.

My mum and younger sister will see my sister and her family when they visit the UK, so they’re quite happy with doing their own thing on the days they’re not available and would still like to come. For 1 of the weeks that they are here, we are renting a campervan and travelling the East Coast / and there’ll be a weekend trip (where I have extended the invite to my sister and her family, fully
paid for, and on the days they both have). My mum and younger sister aren’t going to be at my sisters house all the time, probably less than 50% off the time they’re here.

I understand the financial side of things, but I said to my sister that I would be more than happy to help out, pay for the activities, and our mum said she would also pay for things, that she doesn’t have to worry about money. My job pays generously, I don’t have any debt, extreme outgoings (even for when I do move out and factor in rent), so I can afford to spend my money on the people around me and with them - and still save.

YABU. Your sister has welcomed you into her home and is putting you up. You know she doesn’t get on with or like your parents and get you invited them to visit?? She said yes, obviously just to be kind to you. She doesn’t need to stick around and make herself feel uncomfortable and shit, it’s more than enough that she’s not made a fuss about them coming!

It sounds like things have worked out which is great. Not being at your sister’s house the whole time is definitely a good idea. Our last family visit was a disaster mainly because they had promised to spend a week elsewhere but when it came to it didn’t so I ended up hugely resentful (and knackered) as the family concerned seemed to think it was an all inclusive resort including full on maid service and all the wine you can drink! I hope you all have a lovely time.

You seem to have worked things out well oP.

Fwiw, I was thinking the same about the annual leave: you don’t need them to take it, especially if you take some. It’s fine to just spend time with them at weekends etc and let your DM and DSis have opportunities to explore alone. Things that seem interesting to them will be less interesting to the rest.
Well done for your facilitative approach.

Happy to read your update, @freebirdblue !
Sounds like everything will work out well.

Sounds your sister isn't totally sure of her own plans of where she will be and what point. And doesn't want to entertain family either. Nothing wrong with that. She obviously has different memories and experiences to you.

If you want to entertain/host people you'l have to do it yourself without expectation from her. Maybe you can book them into a hotel instead?

You have a very enmeshed relationship with your sister. Are you her support system and she doesn’t want to upset you but yet doesn’t want to do what you have suggested? I would seek some therapy and review the relationships in the family. I wouldn’t relocate halfway round the world for a sibling because they were depressed and lonely. . I’m guessing you did it for other reasons too? if not, then that’s pretty bizarre.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, my sister is my best friend and I moved to stay with her in London for a year, it was the best time! Why wouldn’t someone take the opportunity to move to a sunny place and be closer to a family member? Bizarre is thinking we’re all the same or should act a certain way