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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stupid argument with DH. AIBU to not want to be the bigger person just yet?

28 replies

choochooooo1 · 15/10/2024 09:30

DH and I ended up having a very random conversation at the weekend that led to a bit of an argument.

He said something, I felt, that was quite derogatory toward one of my parents and we had a bit of a spat over it.

Basically my dad has worked in a job that I believe most people see as quite a tough job for his whole life since being 18, retiring last year. The job included constant shifts, long hours, physically and mentally draining and also caused an injury that he will now suffer with for life (part of the reason for retiring being on medical grounds. He was given a sum due to the injury at work).

Anyway back to DH and I. We were talking about difficult jobs, I said I felt my dad's job must have been pretty hard and for some reason DH just went off on one. Saying it's not at all, anyone with common sense would disagree that it's a hard job, I was ridiculous for saying it could be hard, it was easy, dad is just lucky, he's had it easy and so on etc etc.. I kept saying we can just agree to disagree because I do think it's hard, ive witnessed growing up with a parent doing said job and i feel its not easy but on and on he kept going. It was really quite tedious how stupid it was and the fact he wouldn't just accept that I disagreed with him made him come across so insufferable. He kept saying "we can disagree but you're wrong".

It was so bloody stupid and pointless the whole thing but the way H was going on it really started to piss me off (the fact he wouldn't just let it go).

Anyway in the end I said okay then if I'm so terribly wrong and you are right and there is no room for disagreement you won't mind me telling my parents your opinion. So I did, or so he thinks. I haven't actually told my dad anything at all but DH thinks I have.

He is now in a massive sulk because he actually really likes my dad and cares a lot what he thinks.

AIBU to let this go on a little longer because of how much of a twat he was being for no reason? The whole time I was trying to diffuse, let's just agree to disagree, it's silly to argue over etc.. but he would not let it go.

OP posts:
traybake81 · 15/10/2024 09:32

* DH just went off on one.*

He’s in a massive sulk

He sounds… dreamy

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 09:33

AIBU to let this go on a little longer because of how much of a twat he was being for no reason?

Maybe the reason is that he’s a twat?

If you intend to stay with this type of man, then no point prolonging it. Just creates a weird tension in the house (do you have children?)

Phenomendodododooby · 15/10/2024 09:34

Wow that is deeper than your Dad’s job isn’t it. There is a saying where I’m from that “the hardest job is digging a hole” i’d say currently your DH’s job is pretty hard with that hole he is digging for himself there.

rarebits · 15/10/2024 09:34

Why is he so bent out of shape about your dad’s job and whether it’s hard or not?

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 09:36

Anyway in the end I said okay then if I'm so terribly wrong and you are right and there is no room for disagreement you won't mind me telling my parents your opinion. So I did, or so he thinks. I haven't actually told my dad anything at all but DH thinks I have.

So you made a bluff?

This all sounds like a spat between siblings that don’t really like each other

JMSA · 15/10/2024 09:36

rarebits · 15/10/2024 09:34

Why is he so bent out of shape about your dad’s job and whether it’s hard or not?

Because presumably no one could have it harder than him 🙄

(not an eye-roll at you but the OP's partner!).

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 09:38

Your DH? unemployed? very low income?

Original poster
choochooooo1 · 15/10/2024 09:38

rarebits · 15/10/2024 09:34

Why is he so bent out of shape about your dad’s job and whether it’s hard or not?

Your guess is as good as mine!

I'm aware the whole thing is absolutely ridiculous and I did spend the majority of the conversation saying as such to him and saying let's just agree to disagree there's no need for this nonsense!

OP posts:
Paganpentacle · 15/10/2024 09:38

Intrigued as to what your dads job was... we need to know so we can referee lol .

Original poster
choochooooo1 · 15/10/2024 09:39

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 09:38

Your DH? unemployed? very low income?

No he's not actually tbf. He earns pretty well in his own fairly difficult job. I honestly don't understand it myself.

OP posts:
Pogggle · 15/10/2024 09:39

Paganpentacle · 15/10/2024 09:38

Intrigued as to what your dads job was... we need to know so we can referee lol .

My first thought was the Police

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/10/2024 09:39

He is insecure in his masculinity as he sees it. Sounds like an annoying twat. Life’s too short to play these stupid games tbh. Just come out and ask him if he feels you judge him as being less masculine than your Dad. Perhaps he looks up to him and believes he is somehow less. Have a laugh about something with him and stop wasting your days.

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 09:40

Do you have children op?

Is this honestly the first time he’s revealed himself to be… well the type of person to “go off on one” and get in a “massive sulk”

JMSA · 15/10/2024 09:40

Paganpentacle · 15/10/2024 09:38

Intrigued as to what your dads job was... we need to know so we can referee lol .

I'm going to guess Prison Officer.

FiveShelties · 15/10/2024 09:40

What will happen if he apologises to your Dad if he believes you have told hm?

Livelaughlurgy · 15/10/2024 09:41

I'm going to assume this is some sort of man issue and he is in fact not objectively talking about the job that your dad happened to do, and is in fact talking about your dad, his dad, and himself. And the secret competition they're in to be the best provider and hardest worker in the toughest circumstances. And there can only be one winner and it sure as hell can't be your dad because he's taken over from your dad as chief protector and must in fact therefore be better than your dad, whilst operating in a tougher economy, in the snow with newspapers for shoes.

Rewis · 15/10/2024 09:43

So he thinks his job is the hardest job in the world and he's upset his little woman didn't fawn at his feet on how big man he is with his difficult job?

Spondoolies · 15/10/2024 09:45

There’s different interpretations of ‘hard’. Physically hard labour, difficult in terms of skill, mentally challenging, dealing with traumatic incidents, dealing with something unappealing (sewage, abattoir etc). Can’t really compare apples and oranges.

Soitis83 · 15/10/2024 09:45

He sounds like my brother, in this scenario anyway, I don't know what he's like usually. But whatever I say to my brother he will always make it an argument and argue the opposite. It's draining. If I said pizza is unhealthy he would argue that it's healthy. Some people just crave the need to be right all the time whether or not they actually agree or disagree

Original poster
choochooooo1 · 15/10/2024 09:48

Livelaughlurgy · 15/10/2024 09:41

I'm going to assume this is some sort of man issue and he is in fact not objectively talking about the job that your dad happened to do, and is in fact talking about your dad, his dad, and himself. And the secret competition they're in to be the best provider and hardest worker in the toughest circumstances. And there can only be one winner and it sure as hell can't be your dad because he's taken over from your dad as chief protector and must in fact therefore be better than your dad, whilst operating in a tougher economy, in the snow with newspapers for shoes.

Edited

It does feel a bit "oh you had a BATH growing up, I was made to wash in a cardboard box" kind of thing doesn't it.

So so odd.

He does struggle to admit he's wrong about things and likes to be right yes. But this is honestly the most bizarre one yet. Just felt like he was disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing.

OP posts:
HornungTheHelpful · 15/10/2024 09:48

I haven't read all the thread, however, I am in a similar spat (different subject matter) with H (I never use DH as don't like it but definitely not D at the moment at all) and you are not unreasonable at all. If you feel like it, and can get away with it, knee him in the balls too (that is a joke - for those who think I am advocating literal abuse. If you don't find it funny, fair enough, but don't feel you need to tell me that).

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 09:49

OP, otherwise happy marriage and this unpleasant and weird behaviour a complete one off and unexpected? I suspect most definitely a common occurrence

Original poster
choochooooo1 · 15/10/2024 09:50

Spondoolies · 15/10/2024 09:45

There’s different interpretations of ‘hard’. Physically hard labour, difficult in terms of skill, mentally challenging, dealing with traumatic incidents, dealing with something unappealing (sewage, abattoir etc). Can’t really compare apples and oranges.

Well exactly. He kept listing other hard jobs and saying I didn't know the meaning blah blah, as if at any point I'd suggested my dad's job was categorically the hardest in the world. Just so fucking odd.

OP posts:
rarebits · 15/10/2024 09:52

Your husband has insecurity issues. However I would tell him you didn’t actually tell your dad in case he (doubtful but you never know) apologises to your dad and then this turns into something far bigger.

SeaToSki · 15/10/2024 09:59

If he isnt normally like this then I would guess there is something else in DH life that is stressing him and it just all spilled out in this issue (because he is bottling the other thing up). Might be worth a chat about if he is worried about anything atm

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