Will I ever have a conversation with my son?

[BuildYourBonny]

My lovely little boy is 5yrs 9m old and has autism. He is verbal, but not conversational at this point. He uses 1-2 word phrases to tell me what he wants/needs/where he would like to go. He is in an ASD unit in a mainstream school. He knows colours, the alphabet, can count etc. He talks all day long but it is in the form of scripting nursery rhymes and lines from shows. He likes to mix the lines up sometimes to create new lines. His receptive language has improved a lot and he can now follow 1-2 step commands like, "go and get your green shoes and then your jacket". I do feel he understands most of what I say now. This is all great, but, my heart longs to have a conversation with him. To hear about his day. To hear him say I love you, Mummy. I'm tearing up just typing this. I know that nobody has a crystal ball, however, maybe someone can offer some advice or personal experience...J. X

I've no personal advice but I can really feel your sadness and totally understand. I hope you get your wish some day.

Thank you, that means a lot x

Don't give up hope. My son was the same. Delayed speech due to asd. I know every child is different so it's hard for me to promise you, but it probably won't be long before the conversations happen. My DS didn't speak properly until 5yo. He couldn't understand me either. I spent an hour a night with him reading and doing LeapPad etc and the speech came. He's 25 now, and although still has some asd behaviours, is very intelligent and funny! We are very close. You and your DS will be fine

My daughter is autistic (mainstream school with an ECHP for 1:1) speech and language took a while to come but now at 11 she does talk about her day, who she likes to sit with at school etc. She still talks "at me" often about her specialised interest (Harry Potter currently) sp she has not mastered the finer arts of conversation but her speech now she is in y6 is way beyond anything I could have hoped for in reception ...oh and she does say she loves me...also that I'm embarrassing but sure that last one is her age!

Your children both sound amazing. Thank you for giving me hope x

Sounds like he is a gestalt language processor. Yes, there is hope! 😊

Sending you love.

On top of the comforting words and points PPs have said, I'd say that even if your future with your son doesn't look exactly how you'd imagined, you may well develop your own personal ways of communication with him, and even if you don't have back and forth verbal conversations, it doesn't mean that closeness, communication and bonding won't happen and evolve.

I'm autistic, and support autistic and learning disabled adults as my job. Communication is complex but people can and do surprise you. I've had verbal conversations with people I never thought would be able to communicate that way. Some people I've known have fluctuated over the years with their communication style and ability. My point essentially is that so much is possible, and there is nothing to say that you won't have meaningful communication and conversation with your son.

I extend so much empathy to you, though, because I hear you that you really yearn to just have a chat with him, and that is so understandable. I hope you can have lots of hope and excitement for your future bonding with your son. ❤

I wonder this too about my son. He didn't speak at all until he was 4 and hearing his voice now is still such a thrill - especially when he says 'mummy'. Most of the time he spends counting and naming shapes or reciting huge chunks of stories he has heard. I found learning about gestalt language processing very helpful, but I would love to have a conversation with him.

The first time my DC who has an autism diagnosis acknowledged my existence I collapsed in a heap crying. They were 3 then. Still pre-verbal now they are at primary school, however we have "conversation" without words.

DC knows a lot more than they let on, and adds a few more words to their vocabulary every now and then. No doubt as your DC gets older, they will find their own way of communicating with you.

although still has some asd behaviours, is very intelligent and funny

Damn, I shouldn't come on these autism parent threads as an autistic adult.

I came on to link you this about gestalt language processing OP - how you can work with your child and support his language development in his way using his natural communication and language learning style. Many autistic folks are gestalt language processors as we tend to have "bottom up" cognitive processing as well.

https://www.famly.co/blog/gestalt-language-processing-ecolalia-in-the-early-years

Your shared language may look and feel a little different, but you absolutely can develop ways of communicating that will be unique to you and your bond with your wee lad, and nobody will have the same bond you have with him.

Both DSs are autistic (one AuDHD like me, one autistic like his dad), they are very different and both wonderful kids. Embracing and affirming your son for who he is - including any autistic traits he has, which are likely to evolve and change as he gets older, they won't disappear - will be the most valuable thing you can do for him. My two were late talkers (as was their dad as a wee one) but neither can shut up with their infodumping now. I know some non-autistic folks can find it tedious, but I honestly marvel at the things they can remember and retain and the depth of their passion for the things they love. I hope your wee lad develops a special interest that he can talk to you all about one day - it's a wonderful source of deep autistic joy.

Good luck to you and your family OP.

@CrazyGoatLady I know, I always tread with care going into threads about autistic children. Some people are inadvertently very cutting with how they talk about autistic kids/autistic people in general. I don't think they mean it but I do think it's worth pointing out and reflecting how wary autistic adults are about entering conversations with parents of autistic kids. It's a definite thing and something that could be eased and improved by communication and understanding.

@tattygrl yep, it's hard sometimes isn't it! I think sometimes it's easy for people forget that there are quite a lot of parents of autistic kids who are autistic themselves. SEN parenting is a tough gig, you can get quite laser focused/inward looking with it all (unless that was just a feature of being a SEN parent with the monotropism and hyperfocus that for me come with the 'tism 😁). It can therefore be hard to think outside your own bubble, and yes you're right, most people don't mean these things badly. We are all neuronormatively conditioned and all.

I thought your comment was bang on by the way 😃

Thank you so much everyone x I've just spent the past hour reading about gestalt language processing. This is my son to a tee. It will definitely help him. Thank you x

Just wanted to say your son sounds so similar to mine. My son is 7 and his language is just functional to get his needs met. I would love nothing more than to have a back and forward conversation with him , a bit of banter etc, but it's so out of reach right now. Even basics such as talking about what he did in school is difficult and he usually just says the same thing every day, like a script.
I find it hard when I overhear other children his age or younger chatting to their parents and having a full on commentary about things and it reminds me how delayed he is and it hurts.

My son's language has developed massively in the past two years. He's 9 now. He tells me about his interests and can remember to tell me he loves me or wish me a happy birthday (yes there's an element of repeating but it's still lovely to hear)

Thank you ❤️❤️

I find it incredible that my comment was turned into something negative and insensitive. I was only trying to reassure OP that she will have a relationship with her DS, as I have with mine. Admittedly, I may not have worded it in the best way, but I certainly don't see my sons autism as a negative. But, yes, read into it in a negative way if that makes you feel better. And BTW, I'm not neurotypical either.

He knows alphabet. He can learn to type and speak with aac eg prologue or gridforipad . He has some words.

I would definitely look into a robust AAC system for your son- it was like the magic key for my child to unlock their expressive language - we use proloquo but there are lots of other options (also aged 3, also a definite GLP!)

@SGANDRUE

It sounded like you think your son is great apart from those pesky lingering bits of obvious autism. Though I hear you when you say that wasn't your intention, that's how it came across.

It doesn't make me feel better at all to see negative comments on here about autistic people. It makes me feel really sad, alienated, and reminds me how poorly autistic people are viewed, even by their own families at times. So no, it doesn't make me feel good at all. What a strange thing to say.

Not being neurotypical isn't a "I can't possibly be ableist" card btw. I'll hold my hands up and say at times I have internalised the neurotypical standards I was brought up with and imposed them on my DC. I've had to work hard to undo that internalised ableism. It's sometimes there when we don't even realise it.

I don't want to put a downer on the thread, but I don't want the OP to only hear from parents whose children did eventually start speaking relatively normally and therefore get her hopes up that her son will also, when that isn't always the case. My son as an adult is verbal, but in a very limited way, so he can communicate most of his needs/wants, but a lot of his speech is repetitive and we can't have a conversation about his day or anything like that.

My son is 25, severely autistic and non verbal. These sort of questions used to consume me. This time next year he’ll be talking …. Etc etc. I said it all the time. Over the years it mattered less, other things became more important like his receptive language. We’ve never had a conversation obviously but we communicate in our own way. He had enough single words to get his needs met. His behaviour/mood tell me his his day has been.

I really feel you . My son , 18 tommorow actually , is asd . His speech was delayed , he was 7 when he spoke and slightly later we could “ chat”

He has since explained to me he didn’t talk earlier as “ I didn’t need to or know I should”
Tears and smiles over that little revelation

Hugs to you

It's not about you. Parents are allowed to wish their child didn't have a disability that makes their lives more challenging, in whichever way they are affected. Parents are often worn down after years of struggling, often whilst fighting for an appropriate education for their child, so they don't need someone berating them for not seeing autism as a positive in their child's life. That doesn't mean they don't love their child or want to change them; they just wish that things weren't always so difficult for them.
As a parent whose son was in nappies until he was ten, has a learning disability and will require 24 hour support for the rest of his life, the experiences of people who are able to have careers and families of their own bear no resemblance to his, so their insights into being autistic are unlikely to reflect his, but unfortunately some adults do come across as if they can speak for all autistic people, including those who can't speak for themselves.

Your son sounds amazing and I’m sure one day he will get the sentence I love you mummy and he will say it out of the blue . He does love you just look into his eyes when he sees you after school or when he wakes up . They will tell you how much he loves his mummy x