To think it's wrong to refuse to put a father on the birth certificate

[HorsePeopleAreStablePeople]

I often see people on here tell the OP to refuse to put the father on the birth certificate. AIBU to think it's fundamentally wrong to deny parental rights to a child's parent and it's wrong for a baby to have a blank space on their birth certificate where their father should be unless the father is unknown because it's their birth and heritage information?

I know that women often do it to make sure the father has no say over the child because they think they know best and want to make all the decisions but I just don't think it's fair to deny parental rights to fathers.

If a father could refuse rights to the mother there would be uproar and rightly so, so why isn't it the same when women deny fathers their rights?

No one but a judge can deny a child their father. You and the op seem similarly uninformed

I don't think I have ever seen this advised unless in the case of an abusive man who has already proven themselves to be controlling.

The process to add a father is simple, hardly denying rights.

Oh OP this is so naive. I do hope you never have to endure abuse and then be further abused by the court system.

A woman cannot unilaterally decide a man cannot have parental rights. If a man says he is the father and goes to court then he can be added. What's the issue with this?

So men can just get themselves added to the birth certificate easily and without any trouble, why then do people on here say "don't let him go on the birth certificate" as if it's a done deal? Surely that makes that advice worthless?

I think because they assume the same as you assumed at the start of this post.

But also maybe because it's a proxy for saying if this bloke is messing you around, don't give in to his whims and demands, you don't need to run around accommodating him. Leave the ball in his court whether he decides to apply for PR or not.

It really shoots you in the foot if you go out of your way to accommodate your child's father and ensure they have the right paperwork etc and then they fuck off and never bother with the child ever yet you still have to consult with them to change the child's name, move abroad or obtain an emergency passport.

Just leave them one small hurdle and if they want it, they can easily get it. You would be surprised how many men don't bother, yet complain that the mother "prevented" them.

Well the abusive ones often don't bother when push comes to shove so yes, often worth it.

Have you ever been in abusive relationship and had children with them?
Why would you actively invite an abuser to be at a time and place with you?!!
The advice is NOT worthless and your post is downright dangerous. If a man really wants to be a father, he can take the steps. Many men will use “oh I’ll come to be on the birth certificate” as yet another opportunity to abuse and intimidate the woman. They don’t want to be on the birth certificate, they want to abuse and control.

One of my colleagues didn’t put the father’s name on the birth certificate so she would qualify for numerous benefits. Apparently this is the norm in certain circles.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 which benefits? They’re pulling your leg! It matters not if they’re on the birth certificate or not - only whether you’re in the same household.

I recognise she is not only my daughter but her fathers daughter too. Her father loves her as much as I do and it would destroy him if I kept her from him. I see how much he loves her and wonder how can anyone obstruct that relationship.

I have seen other male friends have divorces turn nasty and the ex wife tried her very best to take the kids away from them when they are good, loving fathers just to be vindictive. It's not only abuse that makes women try to block men from their kids.

If I thought he would harm her I would report him. If he had been awful to me but good to her it would be wrong to keep her from him. She is not just my child!

Where I live you can't put someone on the birth certificate without them present, or without being married.

This was made very clear to me when DD was born as I wasn't yet married to DH and I was reminded several times that he would have to be in the room and agree to having his name on the birth certificate or they wouldn't add him on.

Wasn't an issue with the other babies as we got married before they were born so could just reference the marriage certificate.

I see how much he loves her and wonder how can anyone obstruct that relationship

Are you really so naive as to think all fathers are the same as your dh? Is this father? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cly5p4246dgoo*

@HorsePeopleAreStablePeople

I recognise she is not only my daughter but her father's daughter too. Her father loves her as much as I do and it would destroy him if I kept her from him. I see how much he loves her and wonder how can anyone obstruct that relationship.

What if he didn't though? Imagine she is a few years older - What if he was using her against you? What if he was scaring her? Hurting her? What if she screamed everyone she had to go there?

If he had been awful to me but good to her it would be wrong to keep her from him

It could be quite damaging to her actually. It normalises abuse of you, so when she grows up she thinks that's what adult men do.

If your father beat your mother black and blue, as an adult do you think you'd have a lovely relationship with him? Or would you hate the very bones of him?

No not worthless because a lot of abusive men won't bother if it means a slight inconvenience to him. It can also place the woman in grave danger if she was to invite him to register the baby. It also means an abused women cannot seek refuge immediately away from her abuser if he is on the BC straight away.

OP I'm so pleased that you and your DC father have such a great relationship but please don't judge other women by this. Some men are not good men and definitely not good partners or fathers.

If I thought he would harm her I would report him. If he had been awful to me but good to her it would be wrong to keep her from him. She is not just my child!

Depends on what 'awful to me' means, doesn't it? Because if you think a man who abuses women is a good father, especially to a girl, you're an idiot.

The thing is, they actually have to turn up the appointment. You can give them all the information and reminders, but if you’re not married and they’re not there, they can’t be added.

Of course it's not wrong!! It's set up like that for good reason!
Any dad who wants to be a dad and the mum won't put them on the certificate can apply through court to be on the certificate and in nearly all cases that will work.
It has to be set up like that. Think of the implications for the abuse of women if it weren't?
What do you do if the deadbeat dad just disappears? Or only raises his head every now and again to refuse all trips abroad or refuse all school choices abd medical care choices.. then saunters off again.
No.
The safest way is for it to be up to the mum who goes on the certificate.
Then if it's just her being unreasonable the man can sort that out via court. Which proves he's genuinely wanting to be a dad..
If the dad was just on it by default it wouldn't work. That's ignoring even that some women do not even know who the dad is.

If men have a problem with this they need to look to themselves and their own behaviour.
If there weren't as many controlling abusive pieces of shit out there then women wouldn't need protecting like this.

But I'll definitely be telling my daughters that they do not put a man's name on the birth certificate of their children unless they are 100% sure that is a good man who is going to be a good dad.
If there's any doubt then he needs to prove himself by going thru court. And being consistent.
And I'd be telling them not to even tell them man they are pregnant let alone put the name of him on the birth certificate if there has ever been any abuse of any type towards her.
I don't give one single shit what anyone thinks of that morally. I've seen too many children and women where the kids are forced to spend time with violent abusive bullies.

Indeed. Oh he strangled me and said misogynistic things whilst he did it, but that's okay he didn't do that to his infant daughter therefore it's absolutely FINE to hand over my precious child to him. Honestly, I do hope OP reads this back and realises how naive she is.

You do know that men can turn into a totally different character when a baby is on the way?

And when you're over 12 years down the line and he skipped off the face of the earth 5 years (or more) ago with no warning? It takes time for deadbeat dads to show their true colours. In our case he'd shown his throughly by the time DD was 1 year old. We were extremely lucky that the severely abusive cunt disappeared when he did. And that he has for so long. What kind of (in our case) unmarried "father" still deserves the legal responsibility he was given at the registry office that day? We feel secure that given DD's age (coming up for 13 now), she will be listened to in a court situation if he ever popped back up (I’m sure he will at some point).

But so many men don't actually give a shit, do they?

Also DD has had a "known as" name - my surname at her request in school, since she was in year 3. Now in year 8. But until she's 16 we can't change her surname to mine without his permission, as if we could even find him to ask and get him to agree. On her 16th birthday she'll have that form right there ready to fill in.

I think that you are very naive about the authorities and child contact.

For example a parent who has been proved to be abusive to their spouse and go to prison still gets up to 50% contact because they didn’t abuse the child. Doesn’t matter if the child witnesses the abuse or not.

Parents who go to prison still get child contact (unless it’s sex crime against children) Many proven pedophiles don’t event go to prison for owning child abuse images.

A parent who uses drugs still gets contact.

There’s a poster on here who keeps on posting about her 6 year old child being terrified of her dad but the courts forcing contact. This child alleges that dad strangles her when angry. Police are investigating but the authorities have told mum that she is the problem. Child has complained to school, police and courts but forced to spend every Saturday with dad.

It’a clearly pure luck if your child is protected when things go wrong. The authorities get it right sometimes but they get it wrong too.