To not be sure about getting married

[Sammygir]

Non-judgemental help pls.
getting married in a few months. Was so pleased to be engaged as love my DP and to be honest I’ve been ashamed to be an unmarried mum, as a Christian.
We have had a difficult few years as he was in a mental hospital for a long time. Of course I held the fort and cared for him and for our DS.
Now I don’t know if it’s just my period but I’m getting so scared about the rest of our lives and how it’ll look being joined to this man forever. I don’t want to have a broken home for my son to grow up in, either with single parents or with married parents who fight all the time.
DP is lazy, selfish and greedy. He is constantly on his phone (playing games etc), only thinking about what he wants to do, can’t do the simplest of tasks that I leave him to do when I go out alone with DS (because he doesn’t want to come) and I’m scared that he will never be able to change.
Is he capable of change? I have told him a lot how I feel and he always promises to try better but we end up in the same place about a week later.

Don’t marry him! He won’t change because he has a wedding ring on his finger. You are better off postponing the wedding until he shows you for a solid amount of time that he can change.

You said you’ve spoken to him numerous times and within a week he has gone back to normal, I’d say he isn’t capable of changing

Don’t marry him. He will be a terrible husband and sounds like a useless father. Don’t waste any more of your time with him. I am a Christian too but it would be a mistake to marry him. You will do much better raising your son by yourself.

Sounds like you doing everything anyway, so you may as well go it alone.

With regards to your religious beliefs, you have tried your best so I don't think a merciful God would blame you in any way.

Your home is already broken.

And using that language is really offensive to women like me who have raised their kids alone because of stupid selfish men like the one you are thinking about marrying.

I can guarantee you he will not change.

The best example you can give your children is not showing them a defeated woman who acts like a support human to a man.

Don't marry him with the expectation that he will change. Ok, he might change, but you have no guarantee he will and in all likelihood he is showing you who he is now. Go into it with your eyes open.

Having got divorced, I'd say, don't get married lightly. It is stressful, expensive and traumatic. If you have doubts, don't get married. I had doubts and kept hoping my husband would change. He did- but not for the better unfortunately. He had always been showing me who he was but I kept hoping he would magically transform into what he said he was. (Eg look at someone's actions not their words!)

Don't marry him.
Listen to your heart and your head - both are shouting at you NO!

Don't do it. As others have said he wont change.

It will be harder and more expensive to get a divorce than cancel a wedding.

Being a Christian does not mean you should endure a hard, miserable life as a married woman in preference to living a happier, unmarried life.

Don't marry him. He will never change. You and your DS deserve better than this.

Oh my goodness, don't marry this man. You will live a life of regret. Don't make such a huge mistake that will be very difficult to extricate yourself from. He's shown you what he is. No he isn't going to change. Walk away.

I'm not religious, but if you believe in God, surely you know he forgives. Your child was born outside of marriage so what difference does it make if you marry now? Put you and your son first, not this lazy man.

This 💯

People can’t change, usually. And people never change after marriage - except for the worse! Why would he make the effort to change for the better when you’re stuck with him now? I’m a Christian too OP but I don’t think you should feel forced into a marriage simply because you don’t want to be an unmarried mother!

If you have doubts now.
This means you realise that it's not what you want to do.
Don't marry this lazy man he won't change ever.
Can you think how your life will be in 5, 10 or even next year.

You said a few years since you first met. I'd guess he is in his late twenties or older, and no I don't think he will change.

You say that he is lazy, selfish and greedy but you also say you love him. For what? What redeeming qualities does he have?
I would hazard a guess that you live the idea of him one day turning into a man you want him to be. It's not going to happen

I think about 5% of people are truly capable of change for most of us what you see is what you get. Don’t marry a man with the character traits and flaws your partner has, he is absolutely a bad catch.

Was so pleased to be engaged as love my DP and to be honest I’ve been ashamed to be an unmarried mum, as a Christian.

The way you have worded this shows that subconsciously you do believe you've been ashamed (you really, really have no reason to be at all) but you are omitting the 'I' in being pleased to be engaged and loving your partner. That is very telling.

Please, please listen to what your gut is telling you. You have said nothing positive about this man. You're reasons for marrying him are not to the benefit of you or your child.

If you wouldn't want to divorce him, do not marry him. He's already telling you who he is loud and clear, don't put yourself and your child through unnecessary angst. You have to protect both of you.

💐

You would be absolutely mad to marry him OP.

Please don't marry this man. Make him leave. You've recognised his bad points and what other pointers do you need? Violence? He's no Prince.

If you marry him, you’re set for a long life of unhappiness. If he can’t be an equal partner to you now, he’s not going to be one after you’re married, when he’ll think that he’s got you, so doesn’t need to even pretend to try anymore. So you’ll either be unhappily married or unhappily divorced. Don’t do it. Wait until you meet the person who doesn’t need to change. Who isn’t lazy, selfish or greedy.

If you want to look at it from a religious point of view, God may be the one putting these doubts in your head so you don’t stand in a church and make vows that you’re not certain you’d be able to keep. I know so many marriages don’t work out nowadays, but I think most people do go into it with the intention of sticking to their vows, even if things don’t work out that way.

He's more likely to get worse, not better after marriage. Take religion out of the picture. You don't need to be miserable bc of that.ook for someone more worthy of you.

And using that language is really offensive to women like me who have raised their kids alone because of stupid selfish men like the one you are thinking about marrying.

Totally agree. I am also a single mother who has raised a child single handed and I also find the “broken home” rhetoric offensive. A coupled home can be far more “broken” than a home led by a capable and loving line parent, particularly if it involves a lazy and abusive partner.

Its very clear that this is a bad relationship but your judgment is clouded by your faith, some silly romantic notions about being married abd the idea that any relationship is better than being alone.

This will be a bad marriage. You still have time to back out and save yourself. I suggest you educate yourself a bit and then either find someone better or go it alone.

Jesus sounds like you are living with another child why on earth would you marry that you deserve better and so does to your DC tbh .

As cringe as it sounds my mum said she didn't have a single doubt marrying my dad , not one , they've been together 52 years. and I've always felt that I wouldn't marry anyone not being able to say the same .
Hence me still being single at 45

Reject this nonsense concept of shame and make a positive choice to ditch the dead-weight. Marriage will make things infinitely worse. You are not a prisoner or a slave.