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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay off DP's debt?

41 replies

nomchonj · 12/10/2024 23:07

About to buy a new house, and in doing so can release equity from my old house.

DP is about £20k in debt. I have about £20k I could release in this house move without needing it to go towards a new property.

The property needs a ton of work done.

DP and I each earn about £45k.

We are not married, but have two young children together. House will be owned / mortgaged in just my name.

He has run up excessive debt before, entered into an IVA, and now has run up debt again - although I can see how this time it could at least partly have been to try to support our family, while I've been on maternity leave etc.

A significant proportion (more than half) of his monthly earnings are currently servicing debt.

AIBU to use the equity release to undertake the home improvements needed to the property?

Or should I use it to pay off DP's debt, in order that we can start fresh on a solid footing, and both put money away each month to save up for home improvements.

Relationship isn't in a great place, however we are unlikely to break up due to young children - we are both keen to put the work in to try to make things work.

OP posts:

Pandasnacks · 12/10/2024 23:08

You've posted this before haven't you?

Comtesse · 12/10/2024 23:10

No way. Good money after bad sorry. Should you really be buying a new place with someone so flaky?

Asparename · 12/10/2024 23:10

You aren’t married, and your relationship is on a dodgy footing so no, I wouldn’t give him the money to pay off his debt. He doesn’t seem to be financially savvy and so nope.

yeesh · 12/10/2024 23:12

You would be mad to do that. He won’t save, it’s not the first time he’s run up debts

Whattodo2024 · 12/10/2024 23:12

Nope nope nope do not pay off his debt. He’s down this twice and still not learnt. And DO NOT marry this man.

GrazingSheepy · 12/10/2024 23:14

Why would you do this to your children? Do not endanger their security by paying off his debts. What value does he bring to your life or theirs?

WigglyVonWaggly · 12/10/2024 23:14

Not a chance. He’s responsible for sorting out his self-made mess.

VestPantsandSocks · 12/10/2024 23:16

Do not marry him.
Do not pay his debts.
Keep your finances separate.

And leave him before he ruins you and your childrens lives.

Singleandproud · 12/10/2024 23:18

Absolutely nothing stopping him from walking away from the relationship once his debts are paid. Don't do it, invest in the house and don't marry him until he can get his financial issues sorted

BoxOfCats · 12/10/2024 23:18

This is throwing good money after bad. There's no way he is going to learn to change his ways if you bail him out. Put this money towards setting up a stable future for yourself and your kids. The fact he's racked up debt like this more than once suggests he's highly likely to do it again.

whynotavailable · 12/10/2024 23:20

Do NOT use your money and your DC money to pay off his debt

And seriously think twice about this house purchase if your relationship is not in a good place - put yourself and your DC financial security first

Itsmahoneybaloney · 12/10/2024 23:20

You've posted about this at least twice before 🤪 really don't get why people do that. No don't pay it off. Simple.

AffableApple · 12/10/2024 23:20

How much do you genuinely believe, with his £45k salary, your maternity pay, and child benefit, and any other income, is actually family debt? That would be all you should feasibly contribute to as, you're not married; particularly given the history of debt.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2024 23:22

Who paid for what on maternity leave? What discussions about finances did you have when he was in the IVA? Did he complete the IVA?

How on earth has this happened again and you’re still prepared to stay together - he’s not ‘put in the work’ up to now, has he?

TwoeightTwoeightTwoOhhhh · 12/10/2024 23:23

100% no
protect your own future (and that of your kids) and remain financially separate.
He needs to pay his own way including paying that debt off whilst continuing to contribute his share to the household. Don’t pay more so he can pay it off unless you’re about to drip feed that the debt was to buy a loved one a new kidney

GabriellaMontez · 12/10/2024 23:24

If you are going to stay with this man, do not fund him to continue with his poor money management.

Divert those funds to yourself and your children. Then, if there is a problem in future (illness/redundancy) you'll have a backup.

Because you can be sure he won't have your back.

Fizzadora · 12/10/2024 23:25

Honestly this is just so unfair. Surely if he's run up debt supporting you on maternity leave, then it's not his debt alone is it? It's family debt.
You need to sit down and go through it properly and use your equity to pay off any that could be considered as family debt so he's not disadvantaged.

2kbak · 12/10/2024 23:32

I have to say that I think I'd pay it.

He's drowning in debt - half his monthly income is going on debt. There is no way he's going to get straight without help. And you need him to get straight in order that he can function as an adult, rather than an idiot who is burning and mismanaging money.

Unless he has parents who might be able to contribute something towards the debt repayment, I would pay it. I couldn't contemplate house renovations if he was in debt.

You are supposed to be a team working towards a common goal - family/kids. If you own the house and he's just servicing debt, essentially he will be a long term cocklodger whilst you do the adulting. If you clear the debt, he at least has a chance to grow up and function. Especially if some of the debt was acquired during mat leave when the family were short of money.

I don't know. Either you are a family or you aren't. I'd want to be a family and try to work as a team and unfortunately that involves paying this off.

PickAChew · 12/10/2024 23:37

Nope. It's mytserious how your identical income to his goes so much further, is it not?

PickAChew · 12/10/2024 23:38

2kbak · 12/10/2024 23:32

I have to say that I think I'd pay it.

Unless he has parents who might be able to contribute something towards the debt repayment, I would pay it. I couldn't contemplate house renovations if he was in debt.

I don't know. Either you are a family or you aren't. I'd want to be a family and try to work as a team and unfortunately that involves paying this off.

You've obviously never had a partner who runs up debt with apparently no clue how it happened.

VoodooQualities · 12/10/2024 23:38

If you're going to stay with this man then you'd be a better-off family if you were debt-free.

Are you going to stay with him?

Lavender14 · 12/10/2024 23:42

No way. I think if it was the first time and there was a very clear reason for it then I might consider it. But no... I don't think you can trust him not to do the same again. I think he needs to make a clear budget plan, stick to it and pay it off his own income. I'd get an independent charity like CAP or debt action to work with him. A quick fix isn't necessarily the solution you think it is if he has a pattern of running up significant debt. You'll kick yourself if you do this and then he's done the same again and you still can't do the work to the house. He needs to set a clear budget plan for himself and stick to it. If he's struggling with another underlying cause like gambling or mental health then he needs to address that.

You mention he's run up debt to cover things while you were on maternity but it sounds like you weren't aware of this happening? Was it all absolutely essential spends? If there were unavoidable things you needed as a family that you agreed on then yes I'd give something towards it, but i would only cover essential family spends. It sounds like you need to stay communicating much better over money - 20k is a very significant debt to work up without one partner being aware of it. For me I'd tell him I need absolute transparency with money from now on and all credit spends should be agreed as a couple. Anything less than this tbh would be a deal breaker.

TentEntWenTyfOur · 12/10/2024 23:44

Over how long a period has he built up this debt, and for how long have you known about it? Before paying anything like that off, I would be wanting a complete breakdown of everything the money was actually spent on.
I'd also be wanting to know how come he has been able to get into so much debt again when he has an IVA against him.
You can't get into debt unless lenders allow you to have loans, credit cards or an overdraft. So how come they let him borrow so much with his poor credit history?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/10/2024 23:44

Given he's done it before I don't think paying off his debts will benefit them as a family at all because he'll just do it again!!
If the relationship were in a better place I'd perhaps think differently but in the current circs, not a chance.

He needs to grow up to be honest, though being honest I also think you should walk away from him and leave him to sort his own problems too seeing as no amount of helping him seems to help.

GabriellaMontez · 12/10/2024 23:45

could at least partly have been to try to support our family,

I think you should give a bit more detail. If it could, partly have been supporting the family, what was the rest for?

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