To not pay off DP's debt?

[nomchonj]

About to buy a new house, and in doing so can release equity from my old house.

DP is about £20k in debt. I have about £20k I could release in this house move without needing it to go towards a new property.

The property needs a ton of work done.

DP and I each earn about £45k.

We are not married, but have two young children together. House will be owned / mortgaged in just my name.

He has run up excessive debt before, entered into an IVA, and now has run up debt again - although I can see how this time it could at least partly have been to try to support our family, while I've been on maternity leave etc.

A significant proportion (more than half) of his monthly earnings are currently servicing debt.

AIBU to use the equity release to undertake the home improvements needed to the property?

Or should I use it to pay off DP's debt, in order that we can start fresh on a solid footing, and both put money away each month to save up for home improvements.

Relationship isn't in a great place, however we are unlikely to break up due to young children - we are both keen to put the work in to try to make things work.

Hard no to paying off his debt.

I honestly haven't, no.

I've posted before about my situation and discovering DP's debt.

But I've never posted about considering paying off DP debt with the house move - the thought only crossed my mind this evening.

He's their dad.

He brings a lot to their life and mine.

Just sadly a lot of financial grief alongside it!

This is genuinely what I'm thinking.

If we're ever going to be ok - or have a chance of being ok. Do I just try and draw a line and give us a clean slate, would that be the best thing to do for the kids.

Yes I am going to stay with him.

If he's on £45k and spending over half his take home on clearing the debt, it should be gone in 18 months no? So he grits his teeth and gets on with it. And if you want to give your relationship a chance, you grit your teeth and accept that for the next 18 months you're paying for most of the kid and household expenses.

If he manages to clear the debt in 18 months then going forwards he can contribute what he should to the household. But make sure the house remains in your name only, for the sake of your DCs.

Honestly? Speaking from experience? I wouldn't ever saddle myself with someone else's debt. Especially if we weren't married. Been stung before.

Well if this was reversed the man would be told he has to help the woman out

You want to stay with him financially no idea why so you will keep on getting this forever he won't change

The financial grief may drag you all down. However, credit to you both for deciding to face up to it and deal with it. But please for all your sakes have a red line re. more debt.

Get the slate clean then and then have a sit down every month to review finances to make sure things can't get off track again.

If you are buying a house together, and you aren't married, please make sure you are protecting the equity/deposit money you are bringing into the purchase. Especially as your relationship is on Rocky ground.

No reasonable partner would object to you protecting yourself. Is he putting any pressure on you to help with his debt?

So he's in debt because you had another baby and were on maternity leave.

You both should have considered if you could afford another child at that time really.

Have you full oversight of all his finances?

How much of the debt is directly attributable to your maternity leave? Pay half of that.

Maybe offer him an interest free loan and get paperwork drawn up with a repayment schedule so you are just putting off your renovation by a year or so. Does he pay towards your mortgage or does he just pay bills?

Absolutely not.
This man is always going to have debt.
Is he taking on an extra job?
Nope?
Just hoping you are foolish enough to step in.
Save your money for your children who need one parent who isn't a loser with money.