To be pissed off with dh

[toadlady]

I have a toddler with my dh (his first child) and a ds10 from a previous marriage. Ds spends EOW at his dads but when he's home it's my job to facilitate his weekly rugby matches which can take up quite a bit of time on a Saturday especially if they are away and if there are any socials etc afterwards.

Dh is happy to have toddler during this time. It would be too much hassle taking her along too especially when it's cold and wet like it was today.

But he struggles to cope with her. Today I checked in to see how they were getting on and he said he couldn't dress her, she wouldn't let him so they hadn't been anywhere. She does mess around, wriggle, run away when I dress her. But it's par for the course and I always get it done. He just got stressed out and didn't bother. He then told me she was tantrumming and sent me a video of her clearly upset and kicking off. I found this quite upsetting when I was miles away and not able to do anything about it. Kind of felt like I had to rush home after the game.

He is like this a lot. Overwhelmed by very normal toddler behaviour. Makes me feel bad for not being here when I have two dc and can't be in two places at once. Doesn't make much effort to do anything with her other than a walk to the park. He'd never take her swimming or go to toddler groups on his own.

I just feel pulled in every direction. And let down by him. And if I say this even in a diplomatic way I get the whole pity party of 'well sorry I'm just such a useless dh and father' crap.

He is an older dad (later forties) and I'm in my late thirties so there is an age gap and I sometimes wonder if he regrets having a baby so late in life - even though it was a planned pregnancy and discussed beforehand at length. He is generally very good with her, very loving and does genuinely adore her but struggles with the challenges and lifestyle I think.

I just feel drained. I do most of the housework, work part time, do things with dd on my days off and try to ensure my eldests needs are catered for too. I'm very much the default parent for both of them and it's exhausting.

Aibu to think he just needs to step up a bit?

He absolutely needs to step up a bit, and you need to let him. Don't check in and don't rush back. It's fine that they didn't go anywhere on a Saturday morning, and that tantrum was his to deal with. Keep leaving her with him and he will work is own ways out eventually, they may not match your ways but as long as she is safe and fed and loved, that's between them.

And if I say this even in a diplomatic way I get the whole pity party of 'well sorry I'm just such a useless dh and father' crap

I am not a diplomatic person, just for full disclosure. But if I was at the end of my rope like you sound you are, I'd be saying, 'well, at least you admit it' (because those are his words, not yours!), followed by, 'what are you going to do about it?'

But then, that's probably why I'm not married It's completely manipulative of him though - you either agree with him, in which case you're the bad guy, or you go the opposite way 'oh no you're not useless' which actually condones his uselessness.

Sending you a video of her upset is manipulative, cynical and awful. Tell him to cop the fuck on. DH is late 40s and we have two young DC including a one year old. He would be mortified to admit he couldn’t/wouldn’t dress a toddler. I’d be getting the serious ick.

If he tries the I’m so crap guilt trip again I’d tell him yes he bloody well is and it’s not good enough for you or DD. He needs to choose to do better and fast.

I imagine that when he agreed to a child, he didn't imagine doing much and thought you'd do all the drudge work.

He can't be bothered with doing anything too challenging so doesn't dress her or do anything with her and then wants you back asap to take over.

The way I'd handle it is by leaving her with him more because he obviously needs the practice.

Yes he needs to step up. Don't check in with him, expect him to cope. Toddlers are hard work but things like getting dressed, brushing teeth etc just have to get done. He's got too used to you doing the lion's share of parenting OP - if you keep doing it he's never going to learn. He should be regularly doing bath/bed/mealtimes and taking her out alone. He just needs a lot more practice!

He needs to grow up immediately.

He is generally good at the things he's comfortable with. Mealtimes are fine. He'll do the bath and bed routine. But when things get tricky he just seems totally overwhelmed and out of his depth, and as we all know things can and do get tricky very often with toddlers.

I understand the stress because I've been through it before so I've tried to be understanding because I know he's not had this experience with young dc before and doesn't quite appreciate how truly insane they can be at times.

But I just feel worn out and a bit let down.

Stop checking in on them when you are out, we all have to deal with toddler tantrums it’s part of parenting, leave him to it.

wont he do the rugby shift?

He needs to learn how to care for his own child first.

Whether consciously or not, he’s manipulating you. Sending you videos of the toddler crying is designed to make you hurry back home (and you do). Saying “I’m a useless DH and DF” forces you to tell him that he isn’t. As a wee experiment for yourself, try doing the opposite. A response to the video could be “That’s a shame. See you when I get back”. A response to the useless comment could be “You do need to do better. I think you will find it easier with more practice”.

Don't check in with him if you don't like what you hear. Leave him to it.

Tell him
"yeah she can be like that with me too sometimes. I just get on with it." And tell him if there is a knack what it is.

Rinse and repeat.

He doesn't like doing stuff so he thinks is if he's sufficiently crap he won't have to.

Mine was like that with the washing machine. I kept showing him and wouldn't give in. If I had he'd never have done any washings.

Tough titties if they find it hard to do stuff. So does everyone. End of.

Don’t indulge his pity party. Him:sorry I’m so useless’ you: yes so am I, especially when I think you’re making a choice. She’s a baby, she’s not choosing to be difficult. You’re an adult, you’re choosing both to not take a deep breath and handle it and you’re also choosing to message me and make me feel bad. Frankly that’s not great partner or dad behaviour so you should be upset, I certainly am.

@Pandasnacks - where did you read that bit? I got mum feeling she holding all the weight. Presumably for her,toddlers doable. So rather than both parents being stressed,switch it up. ..swap about, rather than YOUR kid/our kid...find your own way?
Ds2s dad regularly stood in on rugby days, he was absolute shambles with the wee one but could yell from sidelines, got to where real dad n him both went.

Spoze I got super lucky there(ds1 headhunted by Scotland squad too) ....
"Happy family" is goal no?

He needs to step up. He needs to pull his weight around the house and not have you overloaded.

Regarding your toddler, it's his first child - he just needs to be broken in. Practice makes perfect. When he sends videos, wish him luck and let him learn the ropes. He'll soon work out that it is easier to dress her and go to a park and have her occupied than sit at home and have to entertain her himself.

Does he not get on with your 10 year old son? Is that why he is not taking that opportunity to bond with your son at rugby fixtures?

Or is it that you prefer to have that time to take a break from the toddler grind? (Totally understandable, btw) Or to enforce that they spend time together?

Sounds like a case of strategic incompetence.

Stop checking in on him, he is her father. Not dressed and haven’t left the house oh well your DD will outgrow the toddler stage as long as she is safe and fed whatever happens leave them to it, he will have to cope. Read him the riot act for sending the video of a meltdown it’s manipulative and not fair at all!

You do need him to take on more of the housework though you work part time so that doesn’t give him a get out of jail card

I would dress her before I go out for my own peace of mind, unless it's too early.

Sending you a video of her upset is a bit of a mindfck- who does that?

He is basically showing you 'look how unhappy she is' to punish you for not being there.

hes using the weaponized incompetence technique

millions of men do it and the female partner always falls for it

many make excuses for their men as they don't realise its being used on them

He is being lazy and manipulative. His actions and comments are designed to make you feel guilty so that you will come home and sort the toddler, or reassure him that he's not a bad dad.

He is treating you like the default parent. Imagine if you acted as he did, all the time? You can't, because if both of you did then who would properly care for your child!

Time to call him out on his shitty behaviour. It's no wonder you're feeling torn, you're doing the vast majority of parenting and domestic workload. If he carries on like this, then you may as well continue alone. Read him the riot act, tell him it's not on and he either steps up or ships out.

Yep. Sorry OP but if a guy gets to mid-40s without having any kids yet he probably didn't really want them. I imagine the deal was he'd agree to try for kids but you'd do all the work (and that you'd be happy with that since you wanted kids) and he wouldn't have to be hands on. Your son from another man isn't his responsibility.

They do get on and he has taken him to games before. We've been together since ds was 4 so most of his life really. That's not the issue. I just feel like since ds is my bio child it's my job to do it, I also like spending that time with him and watching his games as he's at his dad's EOW.

It's great that you are front and centre with the rugby and enjoy spending time with your son.

Give your husband some chores around the house and keep giving him time alone with his toddler. He'll get the hang of it.

Just playing devil's advocate but why does it matter if they didn't go anywhere? Is it possible that his stress is coming from your expectations that they are dressed and out of the door? Would it matter if they had a chilled morning painting in their PJs for example?

Is it an option for him to do the 'rugby run' once a fortnight to mix it up as an alternative?

I think there are 2 options here, 1 to put him down or 2 to work together to find a solution which may involve him making a bigger effort sometimes and you lowering your expectations sometimes, assuming you love him otherwise and want it to work out