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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am i being unreasonable to be thinking divorce?

29 replies

thiswanderlustgirl · 12/10/2024 18:21

My husband and me have been married 10 months. For the most part we have no problems. But he has mental health issues which mean he can get mood changes day to day. When he's in his low mood he's very short and pissy towards me, and sometimes just won't speak unless i speak to him. He won't be affectionate and can just sit on his phone for days until he snaps out of it.

when he's in this frame of mind i feel like i'm on tenderhooks as i don't know if i'm going to say something to set him off & it makes me feel lonely in our house. For instance one argument started be because i asked him a question & he couldn't hear me, so he snapped 'what' very angrily so i said 'i was only asking.' Then he went off on one saying i shouldn't have been 'f*ng' mumbling. And then he didn't speak for the rest of the day. These little arguments get to the point of it's made me question if i want to stay with him.

he's not on any meds for this , he used to be for anxiety. We both think its perhaps some sort of bipolar as the moods come and go in no time at all. I made him go get a blood test which came back fine and he said he would purse private health care to seek help but he's not making any further steps.

am i being unreasonable/dramatic to think like this , should i just accept everyone has their flaws?

OP posts:
saypleasepls · 12/10/2024 18:28

any children?

thiswanderlustgirl · 12/10/2024 18:30

No children, we have a mortgage & a dog

OP posts:
saypleasepls · 12/10/2024 18:31

in that case, I’d run

saypleasepls · 12/10/2024 18:31

would you like children in the future?

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 12/10/2024 18:31

Hills are that way 👉🏼

BabyCloud · 12/10/2024 18:36

Is he getting any help? Has he always been this way?
I can’t imagine sitting around on his phone does his mental health any favours, he would be better off getting outside or going to the gym.

ThisWormHasTurned · 12/10/2024 19:09

I’m no expert but my understanding is bipolar mood swings are long and sustained, episodes can last weeks. Swinging between loveable and moody, not speaking to you type behaviour is not particularly indicative of bipolar…it could be controlling behaviour though. Has it got worse since you got married?
I was married to someone who had mood swings/low mood. It seemed to be an excuse for being vile towards me, disengaging in everything. I begged him to get help - meds, counselling. He wouldn’t. Eventually the implication was that I was dragging him down. I ‘set him free’. People have observed since that he seemed depressed. I believe he was, but rather than get better, he focused on dragging everyone else around him down as well.
He started dating someone new within a couple of weeks of us separating 🤔 Since we split, I’ve got promoted (twice!), our DC is so much happier, I’ve lost 3 stone, regained my confidence, met a lovely fella (no rush to go beyond dating). He claims to be happy with his new lady (moved in and got engaged quite quickly). DD observed he says he’s happy but he doesn’t seem it.
What I’m saying is don’t get bogged down in diagnosing him. Okay yes, he may have mental health issues but whether he can ‘help it’ or not, how is he treating you? Objectively look at his behaviour and ask ‘Do I deserve better?’. I suspect you’ll find you do.

Pretrew · 12/10/2024 19:13

ThisWormHasTurned · 12/10/2024 19:09

I’m no expert but my understanding is bipolar mood swings are long and sustained, episodes can last weeks. Swinging between loveable and moody, not speaking to you type behaviour is not particularly indicative of bipolar…it could be controlling behaviour though. Has it got worse since you got married?
I was married to someone who had mood swings/low mood. It seemed to be an excuse for being vile towards me, disengaging in everything. I begged him to get help - meds, counselling. He wouldn’t. Eventually the implication was that I was dragging him down. I ‘set him free’. People have observed since that he seemed depressed. I believe he was, but rather than get better, he focused on dragging everyone else around him down as well.
He started dating someone new within a couple of weeks of us separating 🤔 Since we split, I’ve got promoted (twice!), our DC is so much happier, I’ve lost 3 stone, regained my confidence, met a lovely fella (no rush to go beyond dating). He claims to be happy with his new lady (moved in and got engaged quite quickly). DD observed he says he’s happy but he doesn’t seem it.
What I’m saying is don’t get bogged down in diagnosing him. Okay yes, he may have mental health issues but whether he can ‘help it’ or not, how is he treating you? Objectively look at his behaviour and ask ‘Do I deserve better?’. I suspect you’ll find you do.

Great advice.

You're NBU. This doesn't sound like a situation you could bring children into, you shouldn't have to tread on eggshellls

TomatoSandwiches · 12/10/2024 19:17

He likely hasn't got anything wrong with him except he is a selfish arsehole op.
No kids to tie this miserable bastard to you??? I'd be getting rid of him this side of Christmas as a gift to myself.

ForeverPombear · 12/10/2024 19:19

My DM has bi polar, her mood swings aren't like that at all, they last ages and are incredibly 'dramatic'. He's just being a moody twat and using his mental health as an excuse.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 12/10/2024 19:20

Is this a new or escalated issue? (Ie after you were married) or has it been ongoing a while? I don’t think unreasonable to try and support him to seek help- I’m presuming you thought he was worth marrying and that wasn’t long ago. Maybe you need to drive it forward as the mentally sound one?

Nsky62 · 12/10/2024 19:25

thiswanderlustgirl · 12/10/2024 18:21

My husband and me have been married 10 months. For the most part we have no problems. But he has mental health issues which mean he can get mood changes day to day. When he's in his low mood he's very short and pissy towards me, and sometimes just won't speak unless i speak to him. He won't be affectionate and can just sit on his phone for days until he snaps out of it.

when he's in this frame of mind i feel like i'm on tenderhooks as i don't know if i'm going to say something to set him off & it makes me feel lonely in our house. For instance one argument started be because i asked him a question & he couldn't hear me, so he snapped 'what' very angrily so i said 'i was only asking.' Then he went off on one saying i shouldn't have been 'f*ng' mumbling. And then he didn't speak for the rest of the day. These little arguments get to the point of it's made me question if i want to stay with him.

he's not on any meds for this , he used to be for anxiety. We both think its perhaps some sort of bipolar as the moods come and go in no time at all. I made him go get a blood test which came back fine and he said he would purse private health care to seek help but he's not making any further steps.

am i being unreasonable/dramatic to think like this , should i just accept everyone has their flaws?

He needs to accept help, quite simple

Evaka · 12/10/2024 19:29

I'd be racing out the door OP. My longterm partner has generalised anxiety disorder, OCD and depression. He takes meds and sees a therapist who specialises in helping people with poor MH navigate relationships.

DP is the kindest soul I know and wouldn't dream of snapping at me or icing me out.

What I'm saying is MH is no excuse for being a wanker.

Talulahalula · 12/10/2024 19:31

Nsky62 · 12/10/2024 19:25

He needs to accept help, quite simple

Yes, I agree with this. Or he needs to take steps to help himself. As a poster upthread said, he would be better going to the gym or for a walk when he is feeling down. I personally don’t want to take anti-depressants (have taken them in the past) but I do make sure I walk every day, go to the gym, eat healthily, and just try and have a change of scenery (even something as small as a coffee shop instead of my office) when I am feeling stressed.

It is not acceptable that he swears at you.

PussInBin20 · 12/10/2024 19:39

Is anything diagnosed? Did you not know this about him before you married?

Nsky62 · 12/10/2024 19:43

Talulahalula · 12/10/2024 19:31

Yes, I agree with this. Or he needs to take steps to help himself. As a poster upthread said, he would be better going to the gym or for a walk when he is feeling down. I personally don’t want to take anti-depressants (have taken them in the past) but I do make sure I walk every day, go to the gym, eat healthily, and just try and have a change of scenery (even something as small as a coffee shop instead of my office) when I am feeling stressed.

It is not acceptable that he swears at you.

As someone who had mild bi polar (past tense 62, hormonal depression and now mid stage Parkinson’s), mood stabilisers, needed.
Plus other coping strategies .
Kmowing the triggers, and what helped was key to me

Talulahalula · 12/10/2024 19:51

Nsky62 · 12/10/2024 19:43

As someone who had mild bi polar (past tense 62, hormonal depression and now mid stage Parkinson’s), mood stabilisers, needed.
Plus other coping strategies .
Kmowing the triggers, and what helped was key to me

Yes, sorry, I didn’t mean that medication doesn’t have it’s place - there was a bit I missed above in my post which was that going for a walk, to the gym etc would be better than sitting scrolling his phone.

Itssodark · 12/10/2024 19:57

I understand if he's experiencing a low mood he might not talk much or might be grumpy. But swearing at you, or not speaking out of anger the whole day is awful.

I'd consider divorce but maybe first marriage counselling or he needs help personally.

MotiRoller · 12/10/2024 20:01

saypleasepls · 12/10/2024 18:31

in that case, I’d run

100%. I’ve read enough threads on here over the past decade to tell you it will only get worse.

Gettingbysomehow · 12/10/2024 20:29

There is no shame in divorce anymore.

Newdaynewstarts · 12/10/2024 21:09

Nope he’s a dick. My sil has BP and she not like this. It is quite sad actually for people who struggle with BP to have the added pain of stereotyped dickmoves attributed to the condition.

Normallynumb · 12/10/2024 22:41

I have Bipolar, and I think he's just a moody and nasty twat
You're right to be questioning your future with him

KingOfPeace · 12/10/2024 22:45

I'm so sorry. This is abusive behaviour.

People with MH issues can also be arseholes.

I am surprised you married him but it's really early on, get out.

Strawberrysherbets · 13/10/2024 07:44

He’s abusive and he won’t change. It’s that simple. Please leave.

Ladyof2024 · 13/10/2024 07:52

You need to leave him. This is abuse and it will only get worse. You have one life, lady, please do not waste it being unhappy with this dreadful sounding man.