Feels too awkward to meet up with old friend.

[Fridaynightisnachosnight]

Was very close for a few years to a friend 20 years ago, she then moved back to her home country, I went to stay with her not long after and then she came back to visit. That was maybe 15/16 years ago. It was ok, but I found we were quite different people by that point, I saw her a few times and she was unhappy that I didn’t see her more. We’ve barely kept in contact since then really. I feel grateful for the relationship we had in our early twenties, but don’t know much about her now. She’s coming to stay near me in December and wants to meet up. Does it sound awful to say I don’t really want to? I can imagine it will be really awkward and I’m worried we might not have much to say and it will ruin the memories of the friendship we had when we were young and wild.
I’m going to meet up as I can’t not, but I’m not looking forward to it, is that awful?

Anyone?

Not awful, no, understandable given your last experience. However, she might have changed again maybe this meeting will
be better? I’d definitely still go, even if it just confirms your fears. I don’t see how that will ruin the friendship you had in your 20s.

I have this with some old friends. I have nothing against them, just no wish to meet up. I sympathise. So far I have managed to avoid!

TBH, I don’t think you have said enough about this old friendship and its previous dynamic for us to know what the issue is, but I’m guessing that there is (or was) one. Firstly though, you say that you ‘can’t not’ meet her. You absolutely do not have to meet her if you don’t want to, and it’s fine to send her a nice message saying that you are really busy atm with multiple things (you do not have to elaborate, no is a complete sentence). Secondly…if you meet her now, she’ll no doubt pop up again in the future and from your post it doesn’t seem that you want that, and if that’s true then it’s best to draw a line under things now. You do sound stressed by this contact from her, and no-one should feel the need to keep in touch with someone who makes them feel like that. Life’s too short, and you don’t need people in your life who make you feel like this x

No I wouldn't. Just say you're busy and avoid.

Sometimes old friendships are best left as memories.

It's totally understandable that you feel reticent, and it's not awful at all... it could go either way really, you might be right and it might be awkward... or, you might reconnect and remember why you liked each other and have a blast! It's worth going just to see, anyway.

@MrsTigerface I think she’d be really really upset if I didn’t meet up, her friendship when we were young was v important to me, it was a very intense friendship-she was intense! The last time she came, I was quite ill-genuinely, but managed to meet up. She was really off with me afterwards and said she was really hurt I didn’t meet up with her more and couldn’t forget it

I totally agree.

From previous experience

Is it this intensity that you don’t want to / can’t face now by any chance? I had a friend like that, many years ago. In today’s parlance I would describe her as an emotional vampire, though that term hadn’t been coined then. Still, please don’t feel obliged to meet her. The worst that can happen is that she’ll never speak to you again…which might be a blessing. I do really feel your anguish here, you know x

I'm sure it'll be nice to catch up, it won't hurt.

@itsmylife7 I almost don’t want to ruin what we had? We’re friends on Fb/Sm, rarely message, I did try in the past, but a long time has passed and I just don’t know if we’ll connect now and it might be incredibly awkward

@MrsTigerface I think it might be, plus the anxiety of it being anxious, I will go with my Dh though and Dd and have a drink first!

Just go for a coffee for an hour right before you have a " very important appointment" so can't stay long

Yes mine was very similar. After the chat about "the old days" lots of silences.

Couldn't find any common ground .

You do seem a bit uptight about this. I’d arrange a quick coffee catch-up so it’s time limited if she is intense. One old friend of mine talks so much it’s triggered a migraine so I can relate a bit.

Yeah, I think it will do no harm to meet up once, in the spirit of Christmas so to speak. It might turn out to be fun. You may just end up reminiscing and catching up but that can be nice.

If she'll be gone away again after you don't need to speak all the time. Make it clear you're very busy with your life but I think to refuse the meet up might be a bit mean. You were great friends after all. Try and just enjoy it x

@itsmylife7 I think this will be really sad if it happens…aside from the past, there’s really not much else to chat about I don’t think. Her kids are older teens, mine is 6…I don’t know…

I had two best friends at school, kept in touch from afar via social media and birthday texts.

I saw one of them a couple of years ago, kind of by accident, and we had a good laugh reminiscing about old days. A couple of hours was plenty, we don’t have too much in common now, but it really was lovely to catch up.

It prompted to me to instigate a meet up with the other friend, we were both excited to see each other, but she died suddenly before we had finalised our plans.

So I’d say meet your old friend. Better to regret what you’ve done than what you haven’t done.

The fact that your children are different ages surely doesn't mean you have nothing to talk about, or that you wouldn't be interested in each other's lives? Can you only talk to parents of other 6 year olds?

Given that you have decided to meet up with her (which I would also do) it seems a pity that you are dragging yourself to it with such a negative mood. It is hard to see how that is going to create a sparkling evening.

@TheYearOfSmallThings Not just kids, I was just trying to think of anything we have in common, she lives on the other side of the world, we’re both in different life stages…I don’t know..we have our memories and that’s it I think

So talk about your memories and enjoy a little catch up.

All the more to talk about, surely? She can tell you about living where she lives, what kids do and are like at the ages hers are, her job etc.

People don't have to be living identical lives to have good conversations.

I agree with others about having a short ‘window’ for this - an hour for coffee, can that really be so bad?

Surely it's great that your lives are so different - lots to ask and talk about? Are things going OK in your life OP? How is your mood generally? Just wondering if you are feeling a bit negative generally.

It sounds like last time you met, it was an overnight visit? If so, I can imagine that could be a strain with someone you don't know well anymore. But if it's just 2 or 3 hours over drinks or dinner, that's an OK amount of time to reminisce, talk about the kids/current life etc without it getting awkward.

Do you often worry about interactions with people being awkward/making you anxious, or is it this particular friend and scenario?