Feels too awkward to meet up with old friend.

[Fridaynightisnachosnight]

Was very close for a few years to a friend 20 years ago, she then moved back to her home country, I went to stay with her not long after and then she came back to visit. That was maybe 15/16 years ago. It was ok, but I found we were quite different people by that point, I saw her a few times and she was unhappy that I didn’t see her more. We’ve barely kept in contact since then really. I feel grateful for the relationship we had in our early twenties, but don’t know much about her now. She’s coming to stay near me in December and wants to meet up. Does it sound awful to say I don’t really want to? I can imagine it will be really awkward and I’m worried we might not have much to say and it will ruin the memories of the friendship we had when we were young and wild.
I’m going to meet up as I can’t not, but I’m not looking forward to it, is that awful?

I would say I feel quite anxious before meeting friends, but it goes once I’m there. This having been so long makes me nervous, js that weird?

I think this is quite common when people move away. The friend that moves away often thinks things won't change and will just pick up where they left off whenever they see each other again. However, for the people left behind, life moves on without that friend in it anymore. There have been many threads by women who have moved back to the area after being away for years and then being upset and not understanding why their old friends don't really bother with them much. In their minds, people would be overjoyed to have them back and the friendships would resume as if nothing had happened. But it doesn't work like that.

I've been through this and we did meet for coffee but after chatting about the old days there wasn't anything left to say.

We haven't been in touch since so maybe if you do meet it will be that awkward, your old friend might realise too much time has passed and you'll drift away for good?

Quite honestly I wouldn’t meet her.

I’ve been in similar situations and put myself through uncomfortable situations because I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt or thought I should do something, and sometimes because I thought it was easier to just go than make obvious excuses.

Now I’m older and realise I don’t have to meet people I dread meeting.

I’d offer your excuses and then reduce her visibility on social media too until you can delete her completely.
Plus intensity is never ‘fun’.

Do you often worry about interactions with people being awkward/making you anxious, or is it this particular friend and scenario?

I think this is the key for me. If she's actually an unpleasant person, it's fine to not want to give her any of your time. If you're someone who struggles to talk to people in general, especially if they have slightly different life circs to you, I think you need to work on this and practice, not avoid the situation. Why not just meet for dinner? It doesn't have to be for hours.

Oh after hearing this, no, just make your excuses

What @Grabyourpassportandmyhand said. Excuse then fade out.

I got a recent message from someone I really didn't get on with who was quite intense/dominating/unpleasant from 20 years ago...sounds like she hasn't moved on with her life and we have nothing in common....I think she is getting older and isn't happy and is lonely and wants me to reminisce with her to help her make sense of things.

Meh. I'm not on social media really so just ignore.

She always had incredibly poor social skills which is why I don't think she's built up any new connections or community or peace of mind (even since retiring) and clings onto/obsesses over these very teneous connections..."we were like family".

No we really weren't. I think she's lonely because of health issues, I recall her mocking me and my appearance and dress sense because I was trying to eat healthier and run as a teenager!

No hard feelings, she's irrelevant, but not going to pretend there's some great memories on my part..

Often as women we're socialised to be guilt tripped into taking on people as projects - would a man do it unless he had something to gain?

A little white lie in this instance should be made - you have planned a holiday exactly at the time that she arrives...

How often have you kept in touch a couple of times a year either on FB or social media? If you have exchanged general messages, you could meet for a coffee or tea and cake. If you only connect ever so often, why not just say you have a very busy run up to Christmas but hope she has a nice stay and good Christmas. Sadly, I had to get rid of an American friend because she became obsessed with talking about a certain life style she had just taken on and did not stop talking. I groaned each time we Facetimed, so actually just phased the relationship out.

If you really don't want to meet up them don't. You don't need to keep in touch on SM either, if you're not actually friends. There's nothing wrong with accepting that certain relationships were for a certain time - good memories are great and all, but that doesn't always equate to an interesting or worthwhile relationship currently. She doesn't seem to have been very sensitive to you last time either.

Honestly some of the people on mumsnet are so antisocial! (And then they start threads saying they are lonely and struggle to make friends). Christ.
Sometimes these things can be a bit awkward to begin with but it's lovely reconnecting with old friends. Yes lives move on and people change but who doesn't. It's an opportunity to reminisce and perhaps spark a new phase in your friendship. You might have a lovely time - or you might not. But ignore those who are saying 'avoid'. It's one of those weird mumsnet things that doesn't reflect how most people act / think in real life.

I don't think it matters if she's upset that you don't meet. You're not in each other's lives anyway and she's made you feel bad before and not let it bother her. Just make a vague excuse that you can't meet up but hope she has a good time and leave it at that, don't be drawn. Your time is your own and you don't owe it to her. If she thinks you're flaky or whatever, who cares.

@disdisdisisgood I understand where you're coming from but the friend has made OP feel like shit after previous meeting, I think that enough.

For goodness sake, you are meeting up with an old friend, not being asked to walk the plank!! Just meet for coffee and see how it goes, and if you find you have nothing in common so what?? Surely you can find something for talk about for a short time.

What’s a couple of hours I’d make the effort

It doesn't sound as if this friendship has worked as a distance one and that's ok, some just don't.

Maybe if she was moving back to your area I'd give it a go in case the friendship could be positively rekindled. As she's not and you don't have a lot of contact normally I wouldn't blame you for not making meeting up a priority. I don't think it would do any harm to meet up though if you think you'd enjoy talking about old times.

I always find meeting up with old friends, if you were really good friends that is, to be easy. The conversation should flow naturally and after a few minutes it's like you were never apart!

Honestly, some people on MN think everyone has to be the same. 🫣🫣🫣

If you don't feel like meeting with her then just say you are not available. It's not like you two are even in contact that much so it doesn't really matter if she gets upset.

Just meet up.

Or just don't.