Friends falling out over 'freebirth'

[Ambienteamber]

AIBU to think my friend is being extremely unreasonable regarding putting pressure on me to shun our mutual friend for having a freebirth?
We've all been friends since school. In our late 30s now.
We will call them friend A and B
Friend A decided to have an unassisted birth with her 4th child after having lost her 3rd child during a hospital birth. (This was not due to the hospital care but was just a tragic unpreventable incident)
She is a trained doula herself. She just wanted it to be her abd her husband this time, at home, with no midwives.
Now it's not what I would do. Altho I have tried to have homebirths with all 3 of mine they were supported by NHS midwives, unfortunately I ended up in hospital all 3 times due to issues.
But I think that it's not really any of my business what friend A chooses to do. So I said nothing but positive supportive things to her.
Now friend B is absolutely furious and has been from the outset, at the decisions of friend A. I understand that she works as a nurse and so sees a lot of medical emergencies so is quite anxious about that type of thing. She also almost died during the delivery of her child and credits being in the hospital with saving her and babies life.
So I have sympathy with her not being on board with the choices of friend A but I think she's now becoming completely unreasonable about it.
Friend As freebirth has come and gone many months ago and went smoothly. Mother and baby totally fine.
So in my mind that's the end of that.
I sent a card and flowers with congratulations etc I've been to meet the bubba.
Friend B is refusing to talk to friend A. And she's now harassing me about my 'support' of friend A.
AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?
In my view it is not up to me how another woman births her baby and I'm not going to be bullying anyone about it. Friend A had her reasons for making her choices abd they are as good as anyone's reasons. She's been through a lot.
I feel stick in the middle but actually I'm quite angry at friend Bs 'campaign' about this as I feel she's being very immature and forcing me to choose sides in an argument I want no part of.
I've tried to be as tactful as possible because I sympathise with the position of both these friends. But I'm getting more and more annoyed with friend Bs 'obsession' with this issue. We've met up a few times and she always directs the conversation to being about friend As birth and tries to get me to express a negative opinion.
I'm just sick of it and I feel quite close to saying something not so tactful to her..
What should I do here? What can I say to her? I feel like some part of her does actually want me to blow up about it, because she wants to be able to be openly furious with both of us.

B is hassling you over the medical choices of another woman.

I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be her patient.

I don't agree that you should be forced to condemn your one friend on the say-so of the other. I don't know why you'd want to be friends with someone who knowingly endangered their own baby by freebirthing, but that's up to you.

Looking at other thread replies, I feel it should be pointed out that doulas are absolutely not medical professionals in any way, shape or form. You can do a weekend course and becoming a sodding doula. There looks like there's some conflation of this job with actual midwifery. It's no where near the same.

100% this. Fried B is awful. I’d tell her in no uncertain terms how wrong she is and that you won’t be listening to her opinion on this any further.

Id tell her B needs to get therapy for PTSD after her traumatic birth, & get help to accept its not her baby, her life, or her business.
She needs time stop campaigning, you are not playing

I think they are both unreasonable and you are the only sensible one.

I am surprised by B's stance on this, both she and A suffered traumatic births with medical supervision, and lets be honest A's trauma was far greater in that she lost her child.
B needs to deal with her own birth trauma before judging someone who has been through far worse !

My experience of NHS maternity 'care' was complete shite so I'd support A wholeheartedly in her choices - even if I wouldn't be brave enough to choose that myself and got a private midwife instead.

Maybe next time you could say 'ah well luckily it all worked out well for her in the end so lets leave it there shall we?'

Thank you for allowing your friend to do what she believes is the best for her and her baby.

Whatever B's thoughts about A's choices are.. you both owe it to your friend to respect her decisions and to give her your support.

If B no longer wishes to be friends with A, that is her choice, it will hurt A, but she can not expect you to take the same postion.

You can tell her, that you hear her perspective, she is entitled to hold it, but you wish to remain friends with A and expect B to respect your decision.

Every women who had a nice easy straight forward birth could have free birthed in theory they didn’t need the midwifes or doctors or consultants. Hell half the time in the nhs they are barely looking your way anyway as they have too many patients per staff member. Till shit hits the fan. Medical personal at easy births are like babysitters for sleeping children. Just in case.

Not that I think children shouldn’t have baby sitters 🤣🤣 😬 just that’s what it is. Just in case. Where as if you’ve had known easy births it’s an even lower risk.

I would be wary of having too much of a conversation about this... people who are unsure of their positions often defend them aggressively and insist that you come round to their point of view. It is impossible to fully explore all of the factors that are involved in three different births that took three entirely different paths. Trauma leaves us with nervous system responses that take time to heal and in many cases, as life long. B may be unable to process the what ifs around her own birth and may be confronted by the choices made by A. There is no easy answer here... good luck navigating it.

Most hospitals call stillbirths ‘unavoidable’ without investigation but actually most are through improved monitoring and early intervention which is woeful in the NHS. I fully understand why A doesn’t want the hospital involved. But instead of a freebirth would she consider a homebirth with midwives? It’s the best of both worlds - improved monitoring but with the ability to go to hospital quickly if needed.

B is an overbearing bully.
Tell her firmly that A's choices are none of her business and that you will NOT be discussing it again.
If she cannot respect this, tell her you will no longer be in contact.
B is unhinged.
I couldn't be around someone who does not understand that A's choices are her and her husbands alone.

The OP makes it clear the baby has already been born.

B is completely out of line. B needs to get a debrief of her child’s birth and get some support. You’ve said that she’s wouldn’t usually behave in this way so I’m assuming the way she’s behaving is a strong emotional reaction to her own experiences.

I think ‘free birthing’ is batshit but I can absolutely see why A decided to step away from anything medical after losing her son at birth in a hospital. It’s what she needed to do to cope. You don’t have to agree with her choices you just have to show compassion. It was A’s risk to take.

Like PP have said, I think this is more about B than A. I can't imagine falling out with a friend because of her birth choices. It is none of my business. I wouldn't free birth; of course it is a risky choice, but ultimately friend A could choose whatever she wanted. She has had a baby die in hospital - it is understandable that her trauma pushed her in a different direction.

B obviously has her own birth trauma and the next time she brings it up I would say, 'I mean this gently, but do you think this is effecting you so much because of what happened to you? What's done is done and we need to move on.' Friend A must know she's being blanked by B. Is she bothered? If not, let their friendship drop and you carry on as you wish. If A is bothered, perhaps she can reach out and say, 'I know you don't agree with my choices, but I don't want to lose our friendship over it.' Ball is then in B's court and you make it clear you're staying friends with both.

YABVU to say 'bubba'.

Friend B is absolutely vile. She has no right to voice any opinion to Friend A about what she chooses to do with her body, and trying to convince other people to bully Friend A after what she's been through is absolutely disgusting.

Honestly I'm judging you a little bit for still being friends with Friend B!

Do people really give a stuff about how other women give birth? The mind boggles.

Thanks for all the responses!
I just find the whole thing really sad as there's nearly 20 years of friendship here. We've all been there for each other in various ways over the years. Both A and B are good people. I just cannot understand B throwing away nearly 20 years of friendship over this.
I can only hope that she comes to her senses and I hope A hasn't become understandably angry at her by that point. At the moment A is very stoical about it. She's not really said much except that she understands B needs some time apart.
But if I were her I'd be so hurt.

I think if B feels 20 years of friendship is destroyed over A's choices this is a case of unreconcilable differences in belief where the core values of two people are so different they can never be friends, like vegans and fox hunters.

It is sad but clearly A and Bs trauma have both affected them so deeply that they have caused fundamentally opposed beliefs to become entrenched in both their minds. Very few marriages survive the death of a baby, for a friendship to survive stillbirth and birth trauma on both sides with fundamentally opposed coping mechanisms coming in to play is almost impossible. 20 years of friendship or not, there aren't many human relationships of any nature that could survive this.

It is sad for all three of you but after your last update I really think you all need to grieve the loss of the friendship and move on without eachother.

I really do think the posters calling B vile and disgusting are unfair, they don't know her at all and if they understood the way trauma can affect a persons behaviour they might have more empathy.

*affecting - typed too quickly!