To think my ex wasn't so bad, now that I've seen what the dating pool is like

[Lovefool85]

I know I felt sheer relief when I left my ex, I was almost euphoric. That in itself should be telling. He had an alcohol dependency, could be moody, had issues with his mother, didn't like most of my family, never took our son out anywhere and I did all the physical labour with our son,
My ex didn't do one night feed or nappy change that I can remember. I also had to take our son out in the car most nights by myself to get him to sleep as my ex couldn't as he was drinking usually.
So I left, not for anyone else but to just be away from him. That was 2 years ago and I stayed single for a year.
But since starting to date again in the last year, I am honestly appalled at what is on offer, men who just want sex and can't arrange a date as they don't want to invest time or effort into me, men who are stingy and happily let me pay for their food if we are out, men who want to keep seeing me but also keep their profile up on the dating apps, married men who are "so unhappy" in their marriage and want a fling, a man child with narcissistic personality traits,
I have just met a series of absolute creeps who are now starting to make my ex seem like a better option and are making me wonder if I made a mistake when I left him. WTF, Am I going nuts?
At least, if anything my ex wasn't a player and I could at least trust him.

You are better off alone.

i had the most wonderful man and marriage. He was attentive, a gentleman, athletic, educated, soft spoken and kind. This was not to last as he had a congenital heart condition and he was taken way from me at a young age. I have been a widow for over 18 years and now love my own company. I have two/three children (depending on whether my eldest feels like it) at home so it is chaotic and mad at times dealing with constant arguing and fights but on the quiet times I like my own company. As I have grown older, I seem to have shed many friends along the way and only have a few close ones. Several are happily married or preoccupied with their own lives.

I have run the dating gamut of the alcoholics, narcissists, players and even had a relationship with a man for over a year who would never make a move. When I stayed over he would make a bed for me in his spare room. He had pictures of his deceased wife everywhere. He was a decent man but there wasn’t the spark.

I wanted someone to curl up watching TV with rather than the dog. Wanted someone to share the burden of shopping and the mundanity of life, wanted someone to talk about what was happening or someone to ask me how I was feeling. I never have found this and I don’t think I ever will. I have now become happier with myself as a person and as a single parent. I don’t know what will happen in my dotage but I hope the children will bring me a box of chocolates now and again and perhaps put me in a black bag and leave me out for the bin men when I am gone.

Don’t compromise. If you find someone you will know. If you don’t then learn to love yourself and your own company.

I voted YABU because you don't settle for someone you were euphoric to leave just because the dregs you have met since are worse. Rather hold out for the right person or be single.

Your ex is not a good option there are good men out there unfortunately you have to go on a ALOT of bad dates before you find them .

Thanks so much everyone for replying, it's a unanimous answer that I did the right thing and that no, I shouldn't regret leaving my ex. It has given me so much clarity that I needed.
Just because I'm meeting crap men does not mean that my ex was great , they are mutually exclusive from each other as you have so well reminded me. ❤️

I'm four and a half years single here. I've been on and off dating sites but each time I remember why on earth I hate them. I'm sure that not all men are the same but wow the calibre of men on these apps is appauling. If I use them at all I am extremely selective and there are certain phases and tones in any writing I avoid altogether. I have a sentence in my profile now that basically says if your only convo is to talk about your d*ck, don't waste my time, swipe left. I tried changing my search to older men thinking they may be more grown up.

Largely my biggest gripe is being ghosted. I assume they've found someone else to fill their need. But if you've been on here for a while the same faces crop up.

I've largely concluded I don't have the time to waste on engaging in conversation with men who ultimately will either talk about their nob, or go silent. And actually I love being single so it doesn't bother me much. Occasionally I do think it would be to have someone in my life, but that experience is generally fleeting after a short time of old.

I'd also add u have moments of insanity where I do look at my ex and think, gosh he wasn't so bad afterall. But those are also pretty fleeting. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and I'm a different and significantly stronger and independent person without him. Not to mention a happier, more present and more confident Mum. But it does go to show the calibre of online dating, that means I look at him at times and think perhaps he wasn't so bad.

And that's another thing that puts me off of online dating. There is some poor woman out there who has caught my ex on one of these apps and thinks she's struck gold. He will be love bombing her and pulling his best moves and charms. That is enough to put anyone off of trying to fish in that pond.

I would relish being single for a good while. And really enjoy everything that comes with it.

I don't bother dating anymore. I can't be bothered to sift through all the dross. Not least because it's really bad out there and not just a matter of mismatch.

So perhaps the key is to make a life for yourself that you love. Perhaps you already have, op. But don't go back to your ex. He sounds horrid.

"I know 3 men my age at work who are perfectly nice but now single after recent divorces"

I mean, unless their wives were absolute horrors I imagine they're not as perfectly nice as you think they are.

Yep lady who works for me is having a similar experience to you on the apps.

I met my, now DH, on an app though so there are some good ones. My profile on the app though was brutal by the time I met my DH as I was completely sick of the same thing. So I literally wrote something along the lines of ‘not looking for a booty call, tight arse or someone that doesn’t have their shit together. If that’s you don’t bother!’. It basically went on to say that I had a good life on my own which was rich and full and I was looking for someone to join me on the journey who I could laugh with.

Do you know? It worked! My DH and I have been truly blessed to have met each other and over the last 11 years have built a great life together.

Sometimes we are just too damned polite as women and we just need to tell it like it is and give not two shiny shits…. 🙂

Nobody in this life is perfect, but it's whether you can look past/deal with the imperfections because the positives outweigh those negatives.

I did OLD albeit 12 years ago. I met some right humdingers. I came off for a bit then tried again, sent loads of messages, no.responses or the sorts you describe, then this guy contacts me...but he is a little older than I wanted but my friends encouraged me because he looked decent enough... i didn't meet him straight away, we chatted online and by text/over the phone for a few weeks... but it turns out my friends were right to encourage me... don't get me wrong he isn't perfect but we are happily married with children, my life completely changed.

It did take over a year, and taking a break.... perhaps try chatting to them first, if they are happy to do this before meeting then they may want more than a fling.

@Justkeepswiimming it's abysmal isn't it, like it is actually grim! And it doesn't seem to matter what age they are, as even the ones in their 40s and 50s are the same. I had a guy in his 50s who had looking long term relationship on his profile and then after one date , he confessed that he just wanted a FWB. I had another guy, who literally couldn't plan a date but was more than willing to come to mine for sex. Once I realized that he actually wasn't willing to go out anywhere with me, I quickly stopped that situation.
It's an absolute dumpster fire! And I wish I could say that the men I have met in real life are different but they are not.
The only good thing is I am in my 40s, I don't want to get married and I don't want any more children so it does take the pressure off a bit.
But honestly, some of them make my ex look like a real gem in comparison 🤦😭

@BlastedPimples thank you, at the risk of sounding cringe, I have already actually met the love of my life and it's my son! I have friends and hobbies, and am retraining to a new career, I have good family connections as well. You're totally right, I should really just relish this time where no one is texting me and I'm a total man free zone. I suppose I just would miss sex and that romantic spark with someone.
But it is totally just sifting through the crap, that's basically what OLD is

@sassyclassyandsmartassy I would actually love to write all that on my profile , I would write, please don't message me if the following applies: you are just wanting to text and not actually meet up as I don't want a penpal,
if you are not willing to go out on dates together and only want to come over and have sex,
If you are tight and believe all dates should be 50/50,
If you are going to start asking for nude pics etc , not my thing, I would rather see each other in the flesh.
I bet that would filter out so many time wasters , basically the type of man I have been wasting my time with this last year

Just because there seem to be men out there worse than him, doesn’t mean he “wasn’t that bad after all”. You got rid of him for a reason.

Keep those standards sky high.

Why don't you consider being single for a while? I know that isn't the question in your post but you might meet someone in a more conventional way. I've never used online dating but I know some people who successfully have ( 3 are now married).

It's not great out there.

No. The bar for men is so low already, someone isn't 'not that bad' because there's worse out there. Take your time and be patient, it can take years to find the right one for you.

It sounds clichè but I tend to find that the best relationships happen when you’re not looking. Anytime I’ve actively looked for someone I’ve always ended up meeting absolutely dickheads, but as soon as I’m not I sporadically meet someone. I met my current partner when I absolutely was not looking for a relationship, we met on Instagram of all places and lived 4 hours apart. We now own a house together and are expecting a baby!

This is why studies show that women are, on average, happier single while men are happier in a relationship.

On balance relationships benefit men way more than they do women. Try single life. It's good.

From a complete outsiders view, whilst I dont doubt you experiences arent 100% accurate. I wonder if you are fully healed from the experience of your ex ? Whilst I too have discovered just why so many people are single on dating apps, I wonder if, at the base of it your looking for another relationship before being fully healed ?

You did the right.thing with your ex. For.you and your child. Now.it is time to make.your life rich and happy. Being single is very liberating. Fill it with healing happy things you like to do, for yourself and your child. Grow some friendships, add some experiences and pleasure to your life for YOU. Make your choices in what you enjoy and fill your cup to the brim.
If.you need sex, seek it out. If you dont, dont. If you need to feel comforted and loved turn to friends and family. Find yourself and your joy in your own life, and make that happen. Dont seek it in someone else. You will know when you are healed fully. Keep your standards high. You are worth it.

@Fabulousdahlink thank you so much, that was such amazing advice and gives me a lot to think about. Much appreciated 🙏