To think my ex wasn't so bad, now that I've seen what the dating pool is like

[Lovefool85]

I know I felt sheer relief when I left my ex, I was almost euphoric. That in itself should be telling. He had an alcohol dependency, could be moody, had issues with his mother, didn't like most of my family, never took our son out anywhere and I did all the physical labour with our son,
My ex didn't do one night feed or nappy change that I can remember. I also had to take our son out in the car most nights by myself to get him to sleep as my ex couldn't as he was drinking usually.
So I left, not for anyone else but to just be away from him. That was 2 years ago and I stayed single for a year.
But since starting to date again in the last year, I am honestly appalled at what is on offer, men who just want sex and can't arrange a date as they don't want to invest time or effort into me, men who are stingy and happily let me pay for their food if we are out, men who want to keep seeing me but also keep their profile up on the dating apps, married men who are "so unhappy" in their marriage and want a fling, a man child with narcissistic personality traits,
I have just met a series of absolute creeps who are now starting to make my ex seem like a better option and are making me wonder if I made a mistake when I left him. WTF, Am I going nuts?
At least, if anything my ex wasn't a player and I could at least trust him.

I always think there are so many of these guys on dating apps because they don't survive relationships, so statistically you're going to get more creeps than decent guys!

There are a few out there though, amongst the scum 😂 It's just a relentless 'game' to stay on the app looking for them whilst weeding out the fakes.

You did not make a mistake. There are nice men out there. Don't give up and settle for someone nasty.

I'm not sure how you could trust an alcoholic, unless you mean literally only to be faithful? But was that partly because he was drunk at home rather than drunk at the pub?

The dating pool is not ideal, and decent men online get snapped up quickly. It's worth exploring your network like in the olden days when you'd met people through people.

Of course you didn't make a mistake when you left him, other men being crap doesn't mean you should have stayed with him. Enjoy being single and your child having you to themselves, but make sure you socialise when friends/colleagues to increase your chance of meeting someone naturally if you want. There is nothing wrong with being single.

I'm sure not all men are alcoholics/cheaters/horrible.....you might just have to wait a while to find one

Best of a bad lot is still bad.
we don’t NEED men. If none of them can step up and be a good partner, don’t just settle for someone (who sounds fairly horrendous.)

being alone is bliss after putting up with this kind of crap.

Sorry you're having such a hard time of it.

I guess the principle behind this is that you should only be in a relationship with someone who actually likes you, and someone who is happy to sit there and let you run ragged doing all the parenting for your shared child doesn't actually like you that much, no matter what words come out of their mouth.
Plus you know, you owe it to your son not to be in a relationship with their other parent if their other parent is neglectful (and it is neglect, even if you met all your sons needs by yourself)

A relationship should only be between two people who really like each other, want the best for each other, and want to work as a team. People settling for partners who don't meet the above is how you end up ground down in awful relationships that do your mental health and long term wellbeing real damage. I know you want to find someone, but noone ever regrets being single and not dating lovers, but they do regret dating lovers to not be single.
You have done an amazing thing putting your son first, and you deserve an amazing, safe and happy life with him. Don't risk letting in someone whose not good enough to ruin that.

YABU. They're men, the lot of them. Good luck, I hope you find a Prince who isn't a pig.

Are you meeting these men online?

I'd come off if all for a bit. You might meet someone in real life.

@lololulu some of them were from online dating and 3 of them were men I met in real life, on nights out and one through work, all of them just as bad as each other but in different ways.
The 2 that I met in real life were married and the other one was just a user, who wanted me to come to his for sex but didn't want to date me. The ones online were just as grim

I think it's a bit unfair to assume that if they're on an app they must be losers or crap partners and that's why theyre single. Relationships break down for many reasons. I met lovely DP on line after both of us were left for affair partners. I know 3 men my age at work who are perfectly nice but now single after recent divorces. I'm not denying there are absolute twats on the apps of course but you have to decide how bothered you are...and as pp have said, regardless of who else is available you didn't make a mistake to leave your ex. The two things are not connected.

Better to be single than put up with that level of dross. There are good men out there. Your ex was still terrible.

He sounds a really bad partner but can we not assume all people who have issues with alcohol are ‘bad’ yes it’s hugely impactful and difficult but doesn’t mean they have a bad character. Also going through this myself with my partner so have experience

I find it amazing nowadays the number of men who think of women and the way they think of Deliveroo. They don't even intend to leave the house and just want the woman to turn up there and have sex with them.

Your ex sounds awful. Better single than settle.

I met my husband on hinge so I say stick with it but don’t waste time meeting with anyone who’s not after the same thing. It was always quite obvious.

You might get the to stage where you just don’t care about having a partner anymore

it’s a great feeling it’s just no longer on my radar and what a relief as there are so few men out their who are worth having a relationship with

but in the meantime come off old for a bit it will probably get you down

More so than women, men consistently aim to punch above their weight on dating apps.

This hasn't been my experience. I am quite good at weeding people out. First of all, be crystal clear on your profile what you are looking for. Then go on many dates. You met a few men. That's not representative of the whole population.
Paying for someone's meal is a non issue. We are not in 1950s and I don't see why it is a responsibility of a man to automatically pull the wallet out. Split the bill on a first date, then see how it goes on a second.
Give a man two dates unless they are an absolute creep. Most people are too nervous on the first date and either overcompensate or are acting like weirdos. By the second date, you have a better idea of who they are.
For the first date, I recommend doing an activity. My default is to go on a walk which has a train station at the end of it. If a date goes bad, it's your excuse to leave. If you are having fun, you can grab a quick coffee.
Don't spend ages chatting online. If a man can't be bothered to arrange a date, ditch and move on. If a man mentions sex in the first 10 messages, ditch and move on.
It's also normal to keep your online profile up. I assume, the only way you know theirs is up is because you are on the app yourself. So don't be a hypocrite and let the relationship progress before demanding exclusivity.

I met my husband on tinder, they are out there. I sifted through quite a lot of dirt to find the gold though. And I definitely took breaks from OLD to let the pool refresh.

What are your profile and your criteria like as well? Mine was very open about looking to seriously date. I found I got mostly same vibe replies and matches but I treated it like a simultaneous job hunt and employee hunt. Was picky with my profile and picky with my swipes.

In the end though, whilst persistence and method helped, it came down to geography and luck. I updated a social platform linked to my tinder. I'd forgotten I had linked them but it updated my tinder. I was having a bit of a break but someone "following" me on there saw my new photo and messaged, reminding me it existed, basically so I decided to hop back on. My radar was set wider than DHs. I went on a date from that phase of tinder activity within his radar. He swiped. He was still within my radar even after I'd gone home. I swiped. We chatted. Lucky.

My NDN is on a dating app, he's a nice, intelligent, witty, and handsome man, well dressed and solvent.
He never looks at the app unless he is contacted by a message (apparently he gets an email to say someone has messaged) then he will check it out. He always replies even if it's "you're not my type"
He tells me all his info,requirements are in his bio and that the right one will get in touch one day. Until then he just plods along. He is quite blaise about it all.

Maybe, but until they sort out the alcohol, they will make a bad partner. The alcohol will always come first.

A lot of these men are lazy across all aspects of life and hate women because they aren't falling over themselves to date them and think women should be grateful for what they can get. Then wonder why women would rather be single!

He had an alcohol dependency, could be moody, had issues with his mother, didn't like most of my family, never took our son out anywhere and I did all the physical labour with our son
My ex didn't do one night feed or nappy change that I can remember. I also had to take our son out in the car most nights by myself to get him to sleep as my ex couldn't as he was drinking usually

Your ex was awful. Never forget that. Just because the people you have chatted to so far on apps are even worse does not mean that your ex "wasn't so bad" or that you should settle for someone like that.
At least the shitty ones on the apps are filtering themselves out very quickly by revealing what they are really like.

You do not need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled and happy. You should not settle for some shitty, lazy, alcoholic just for the sake of being in a relationship. You can have a wonderful life single.

However, if you do want to be in a relationship you can keep looking, there are some decent ones out there. Always remember that it should be someone who enhances your life and makes it better. You should be happy being on your own first and then you can find someone who adds to that (and you enhance their life too) and then you are more likely to find a decent human being than if you are sort of thinking along the lines of I have to be in a relationship to be fulfilled/happy etc.

These men you have been dating sound dismal, but your husband's alcohol dependency would very likely have got worse with time and even without the lack of sharing adult/parental responsibilities, things could have got very bad for you if you'd stayed with him. And you might meet a good man soon, either on the apps or some other way. They are not all horrible. Good luck.

So faithfulness is more important to you than living with an alcoholic who did not at any time help you or engage with your child?
Good grief