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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel betrayed by my sister?

38 replies

Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:13

I’m feeling quite disappointed and would appreciate some opinions.

My sister (10 years younger than me) and I have always been close. A few years ago, she started dating a woman, ‘Abbie’, and I became friends with her. We had a great dynamic, often hanging out and even going on holidays together. No dramas or arguments—just supportive relationships all around.

In June, my sister began telling me about controlling behaviors from Abbie, which sounded borderline emotionally abusive. Abbie pressured her into getting a credit card in her name because Abbie couldn’t due to debt, and she would guilt-trip my sister for going out with friends, accusing her of cheating (which wasn’t true).

I fully supported my sister, telling her that the relationship seemed unhealthy. I distanced myself from Abbie as her treatment of my sister put me off our friendship. Things escalated in August when Abbie got angry about my sister going out with work friends, leading to a breakup. My sister was devastated, so I took her in to my home, gave her emotional support, and told her she was better off without Abbie.

Fast forward to now: my sister has been seeing Abbie again without telling me, all while still sharing stories of Abbie’s toxic behavior. I continued to support her, expressing my concerns about Abbie. But unbeknownst to me, my sister was relaying everything I said to Abbie, making it seem like I was randomly bad-mouthing her, ignoring the context. Abbie called me angrily on Monday, and now my sister is siding with her, portraying me as a troublemaker. She’s moved back in with Abbie, and we haven’t spoken since.

Am I unreasonable to rethink my relationship with my sister? I feel like all my care and support have been completely disregarded.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 10/10/2024 22:15

Abusive relationships are very hard get out and stay out of. While I fully understand your feelings, I wouldn't turn your back on your sister. She is going to need you if she ever had a chance of getting away.

andjustlikethat1 · 10/10/2024 22:16

Stay away, they are both trouble makers

XChrome · 10/10/2024 22:16

YANBU. Your sister sounds like an asshole. I suggest you limit contact with the two of them. It sounds like a sick, toxic relationship. Stay away from it. This kind of poison always spills over onto others.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 22:16

Step away, it's too much drama llama for you. Your sister is using you as a sacrificial lamb.

Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:17

Hillrunning · 10/10/2024 22:15

Abusive relationships are very hard get out and stay out of. While I fully understand your feelings, I wouldn't turn your back on your sister. She is going to need you if she ever had a chance of getting away.

I completely agree and understand re abusive relationships - I’m more upset about the fact that my sister went out of her way to tell Abbie snippets of things which I had said out of context. I would never cut her off, but I do find it really hurtful/disappointing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:18

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 22:16

Step away, it's too much drama llama for you. Your sister is using you as a sacrificial lamb.

Actually, mentioning drama - after I told my sister about the abusive phone call I got from Abbie, my sister told me I was ‘causing drama’ and she ‘wouldn’t be involved’

OP posts:
PestoPastaChaChaCha · 10/10/2024 22:20

Hillrunning · 10/10/2024 22:15

Abusive relationships are very hard get out and stay out of. While I fully understand your feelings, I wouldn't turn your back on your sister. She is going to need you if she ever had a chance of getting away.

This 👆. She is in an abusive relationship. She needs you. Hopefully she will find the strength to leave permanently. Good luck. It’s a hideous situation to be in.

Landlubber2019 · 10/10/2024 22:20

I think you need to chalk this up to experience, you should have supported your sister without criticising her relationship with Abbie. Of course you have been made the bad guy, just remember though that your sister has now returned to a toxic and unhealthy relationship.

I would be tempted to message your sister, apologise if you have spoken out of turn and tell her that you love her and will always be only a phone call away.

If and when the relationship fails again, hopefully you will be given the opportunity to support your sister again.

Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:23

Landlubber2019 · 10/10/2024 22:20

I think you need to chalk this up to experience, you should have supported your sister without criticising her relationship with Abbie. Of course you have been made the bad guy, just remember though that your sister has now returned to a toxic and unhealthy relationship.

I would be tempted to message your sister, apologise if you have spoken out of turn and tell her that you love her and will always be only a phone call away.

If and when the relationship fails again, hopefully you will be given the opportunity to support your sister again.

Perhaps this is the case, but a lot of the things she was telling me which sounded very unhealthy, she did not seem aware how bad they were. Like being pressured into getting out credit cards. So I tried to emphasise to her that it wasn’t acceptable for Abbie to be pressuring her into doing that. It wasn’t just random insults hurled at Abbie. But in the future, I will definitely be wary about being more upfront about these things.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 22:26

Why does choosing to go back to an abusive relationship give you the green light to be abusive yourself?
@Fruitsalad19 You do NOT have to apologise to your sister or be gaslit into believing you've caused the problem.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 10/10/2024 22:26

First reaction = your sister’s a shit.

On reflection = she’s using you as her voice because she’s afraid to speak her truth.

Noseybookworm · 10/10/2024 22:27

This is a difficult one because if your sister is in an abusive relationship, she could have been pressured into revealing what you have said about her partner. Don't underestimate how emotionally manipulative and relentless the pressure could be. The abusive partner has achieved her goal of isolating your sister from those who love and support her. I know you're feeling hurt but I would let your sister know that you love her and will be there for her if she needs you. Hopefully she will feel able to reach out and get herself out of this relationship in time. Are you worried about her physical safety?

SensibleSigma · 10/10/2024 22:33

She’s been forced to buy herself some safety by throwing you to the wolves- knowing that you are out of the wolves’ reach.

Let her know that you can’t support her while she stays with Abbie, but will help her whenever she needs it.

MounjaroUser · 10/10/2024 22:34

Your sister doesn't sound like she's a very nice person. Are you convinced what she said about Abbie was true?

Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:36

Noseybookworm · 10/10/2024 22:27

This is a difficult one because if your sister is in an abusive relationship, she could have been pressured into revealing what you have said about her partner. Don't underestimate how emotionally manipulative and relentless the pressure could be. The abusive partner has achieved her goal of isolating your sister from those who love and support her. I know you're feeling hurt but I would let your sister know that you love her and will be there for her if she needs you. Hopefully she will feel able to reach out and get herself out of this relationship in time. Are you worried about her physical safety?

It’s true, I don’t know exactly how their conversations have played out - but I do know that while constantly telling me about incidences of Abbie being horrible, then me supporting her, she would then go and tell Abbie - and this repeated for weeks. It wasn’t just a one off, it was a continuous thing, while she carried on confiding in me (then relaying what I said straight to Abbie, missing out the context altogether).

I’m worried about her physical safety, it was more emotionally - Abbie was quite paranoid and emotionally manipulative, often getting very ‘upset’ over minor things and making my sister jump through hoops to keep her happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:38

MounjaroUser · 10/10/2024 22:34

Your sister doesn't sound like she's a very nice person. Are you convinced what she said about Abbie was true?

I don’t entirely know. I know some of it was true, like the financial pressures and Abbie being paranoid about her cheating. But another example - she told me that she had caught Abbie messaging other women, and that the conversations were flirty. I replied saying that perhaps that was why Abbie had been so paranoid about my sister cheating - because she was doing it herself. Then my sister went back to Abbie, and just told her that I had said Abbie was probably cheating on her through their relationship. Zero context or mention of the fact I said that in response to what my sister told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:53

SensibleSigma · 10/10/2024 22:33

She’s been forced to buy herself some safety by throwing you to the wolves- knowing that you are out of the wolves’ reach.

Let her know that you can’t support her while she stays with Abbie, but will help her whenever she needs it.

I’m wary to even message her this, because I know she will immediately tell Abbie and I’ll be made out as ‘causing drama’ again.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 22:54

Then she's definitely using you as a sacrificial lamb to Abbie. Happy to chuck you under a bus that doesn't even need to run.
TLDR your sisters attention and drama seeking, don't buy into it.

SensibleSigma · 10/10/2024 22:55

I wouldn’t message it, particularly. More vague messages of the ‘always here for you’ type. Not actually spelling it out.

To be honest, it’s in your interests to appease Abbie too. You don’t want her to see you as a threat, or she’ll work harder to distance you.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 23:01

SensibleSigma · 10/10/2024 22:55

I wouldn’t message it, particularly. More vague messages of the ‘always here for you’ type. Not actually spelling it out.

To be honest, it’s in your interests to appease Abbie too. You don’t want her to see you as a threat, or she’ll work harder to distance you.

Why should op work to appease Abbie and her sister, both who seem quite happy to be nasty and shitty to her?

stayathomer · 10/10/2024 23:05

I can’t believe all the people telling you to step away- sounds like your sister is afraid of her but afraid of losing her and telling her stuff but then not wanting Abbie to think she herself told you stuff

roastedrapidly · 10/10/2024 23:12

I think you need to make it clear to your sister that you will love and support her no matter what, that you want her to be happy but will be there for her,without judgement, when and if she needs you at any time, but that in light of everything that's recently happened you will be stepping away from her and Abbie but wish them both the very best.

Then leave her to it and hope she comes back to you when it all falls apart, and it will.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 23:13

@stayathomer so op should just accept the lies and the character assassination? Because she's meant to care so much for her d sister, that all the aggro she causes is fine, just fine...

J1Dub · 10/10/2024 23:15

My first thought was that your sister wants to turn you and Abbie against each other, as she is jealous of your friendship.

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 23:18

OP, i think you need to step away from this.
Your sister was away from Abbie and has chosen to return.
I think she knows well that you are supportive but has chosen to use you and then throw you under a bus.
It is not unreasonable at all for you to step away and protect yourself from both of them and their drama.