AIBU to feel betrayed by my sister?

[Fruitsalad19]

I’m feeling quite disappointed and would appreciate some opinions.

My sister (10 years younger than me) and I have always been close. A few years ago, she started dating a woman, ‘Abbie’, and I became friends with her. We had a great dynamic, often hanging out and even going on holidays together. No dramas or arguments—just supportive relationships all around.

In June, my sister began telling me about controlling behaviors from Abbie, which sounded borderline emotionally abusive. Abbie pressured her into getting a credit card in her name because Abbie couldn’t due to debt, and she would guilt-trip my sister for going out with friends, accusing her of cheating (which wasn’t true).

I fully supported my sister, telling her that the relationship seemed unhealthy. I distanced myself from Abbie as her treatment of my sister put me off our friendship. Things escalated in August when Abbie got angry about my sister going out with work friends, leading to a breakup. My sister was devastated, so I took her in to my home, gave her emotional support, and told her she was better off without Abbie.

Fast forward to now: my sister has been seeing Abbie again without telling me, all while still sharing stories of Abbie’s toxic behavior. I continued to support her, expressing my concerns about Abbie. But unbeknownst to me, my sister was relaying everything I said to Abbie, making it seem like I was randomly bad-mouthing her, ignoring the context. Abbie called me angrily on Monday, and now my sister is siding with her, portraying me as a troublemaker. She’s moved back in with Abbie, and we haven’t spoken since.

Am I unreasonable to rethink my relationship with my sister? I feel like all my care and support have been completely disregarded.

Thanks in advance.

I wonder is everything she tells you about Abbie true? Could she be the troublemaker in all this?

DoreenonTill8 · Today 23:13

so op should just accept the lies and the character assassination? Because she's meant to care so much for her d sister, that all the aggro she causes is fine, just fine...

well they all need to get to the bottom of it but walk away? And when they were already worried? If everyone walked away nobody would ever get help!!

You've done nothing wrong.

And yet you find yourself caught up in drama between two immature, self-centered women.

Your sister needs to grow up. She’s shown you she won’t learn that lesson from you - she threw it back in your face. Let her learn it the hard way. You’ll have to be there when it all breaks down again, but for now I’d just stay out of it.

All my sympathies - I've lost my sister because of this. After feeling really upset for a week or two, I accepted that she's doing what she feels right for her. She knows my point of view and, if she ever feels like reopening that conversation, she knows where I am.

I've never tried to tell her what to do about her marriage, but she now chooses to believe I have. In the unlikely event she wants to talk about it again, I will NOT be offering any more insights to be misinterpreted - but would, of course, support her to get help if she wanted.

My sister's been married for over 20 years, though, @Fruitsalad19. There's still a good chance your sister will wake up before Abbie's wrung her out. I hope so

Well the sister seems to be a major instigator in issues so why should op have to be drawn into that?

Being sister to someone who returned to an abusive relationship is fucking hard. Personally, I stayed as close as I could to my duster without harming myself. I'm glad I made that choice because since she eventually left for good (on the 4th attempt) we're closer than ever.

How awful - where is the line between sympathy for someone in a toxic relationship and yet not accepting their bad treatment of you.

I wonder if OP's sister was in a Hetreosexual relationship, the responses would be the same at calling her sister an asshole?

She's in an abusive relationship, she may well be telling Abbie things to deflect abuse from herself. She may not have actually said anything and Abbie is making it up/exaggerating to isolate your sister to make her abuse easier.

Trust me, I have a sibling like this, I've cut ties with them now after years of this behaviour. I don't need the stress and drama in my life anymore, and I'm much better for it. Leave her to it.

And I'm now getting the sense at least some of these were texts or phone calls, not in person?

Abbie might well be reading texts or even listening in on calls then claiming your sister told her

Coercive control and abuse relies on isolating victims from friends and family.

Your sister has chosen to go back to Abbie so she's getting somthing out of the relationship, and maybe drama is part of it. She's getting to insult Abbie to her face, but gets away with it as she prefaces everthing negative with 'Fruitsalad said..' Is she getting a bit of revenge on her girlfriend for the previous breakup?

I think you need to let her know that you'll always be there for her, but you don't want yo be in the middle of her relationship, but will meet her one on one.

She is using you to voice concerns/express thoughts she dare not put her own name to.

So its not HER that suspects Abbie is cheating, its you.
Its not HER that thinks Abbie is controlling, its you.

Etc etc.

It is shitty behaviour but it is a symptom of being under the control of an abuser, it also gives her a joint enemy to side with Abbie against, which will make her feel safer 'we're together, she's got my back against you'...

It'll all come crumbling down in the end, but whether you're there to pick up the pieces.. that's up to you and no one would blame you if you weren't.

I'm afraid your just going to have to let this all play out. Distance yourself from both, your sister has sadly shown her true colors.