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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older brother

43 replies

Roundthemoon · 10/10/2024 19:47

If you have one, do you get on with yours. Is he protective over you?

I have one older brother. No other siblings.

A woman said to me recently "oh I'd love to have an older brother".

I asked why. And she said "oh because he would be protective, you know watching over me, looking out for me".

She said she felt that she had missed out on the "older brother experience'

I dont know if she was imagining the ideal older brother.

My older brother has never been like that. If he ever rings me, it's to talk about his problems. He would never really ask much about my life.

I think he'd really like me looking after his problems if he could have that. He's definitely never looked after me in any way.

It got me wondering, what are other people's relationships like with their older brother?

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 10/10/2024 19:49

Mine tries to boss me around - we are both over 60 but he thinks he can still call the shots!
I just dig my heels in and ignore

NeverEnoughPants · 10/10/2024 19:50

No protection here. We rarely talk tbh.

Oodiks · 10/10/2024 19:53

Roundthemoon · 10/10/2024 19:47

If you have one, do you get on with yours. Is he protective over you?

I have one older brother. No other siblings.

A woman said to me recently "oh I'd love to have an older brother".

I asked why. And she said "oh because he would be protective, you know watching over me, looking out for me".

She said she felt that she had missed out on the "older brother experience'

I dont know if she was imagining the ideal older brother.

My older brother has never been like that. If he ever rings me, it's to talk about his problems. He would never really ask much about my life.

I think he'd really like me looking after his problems if he could have that. He's definitely never looked after me in any way.

It got me wondering, what are other people's relationships like with their older brother?

I haven't really spoken to my brother in nearly 7 years. He wanted a 'break' and I was relieved after years of arguing back and forth and my Mum always wanting me to drop it 'for the sake of family' so we could have outings.

Every now and then he picks up when I phone my Mum, I'll say, "how are you," and he'll say, "I'll get Mum."

We are 59 and 63 years old.

notprincehamlet · 10/10/2024 19:57

A woman said to me recently "oh I'd love to have an older brother"
She can have mine! Growing up he was a bully (although encouraged by DM) and as an adult he's a very scary alcoholic. Spent my life walking on eggshells around him.

Oodiks · 10/10/2024 19:59

notprincehamlet · 10/10/2024 19:57

A woman said to me recently "oh I'd love to have an older brother"
She can have mine! Growing up he was a bully (although encouraged by DM) and as an adult he's a very scary alcoholic. Spent my life walking on eggshells around him.

Same same

UltramarineViolet · 10/10/2024 20:04

Same as @NeverEnoughPants

I don't dislike my DB but we rarely talk and he's never been protective of me in the slightest

I've stopped making much effort with our relationship as realised that it was very one sided. I see him once or twice a year.

nOasistickets · 10/10/2024 20:08

I have an older brother and he is super protective of me and my little sister, always has been - we’re all 7 years apart and super close - we speak almost daily - I don’t live in the same country anymore but we try and FaceTime as often as we can.

Onlyonekenobe · 10/10/2024 20:09

Um, no -- probably because I made it clear from an early age that I didn't need his protection! He's a lovely chap, though, he would have given it happily.

dragonfliesandbees · 10/10/2024 20:09

My brother is 8 years older than me. We didn’t have much to do with each other as kids due to the age gap (I think I probably annoyed him a lot) and then he left home when I was 10. Always got on fine after that but never really spent a lot of time together.

We have ended up living just 10 minutes away from each other. We go out together on occasion but we can go weeks without speaking. But I know that he is 100% there for me if I need him and I can always count on his help. I’m not sure I would describe him as protective but he has been a huge support to me during some difficult times in my life.

ShellFace · 10/10/2024 20:11

My brother is one year older than me (late 50s). We were great friends when younger and shared a bedroom for quite a few years.
He lives a couple of hundred miles away so I don't see him as much as I'd like. We phone maybe once or twice a month. Since DH died when my kids were little, he is the man in my life and I shamelessly phone him up for advice on "manly" things like DIY. He has offered financial support in the past when things got difficult. I have cried down the phone many many times. He lets me cry it out then, as he is a really funny person, cheers me up and tells me how strong I am. He's great. My sisters are also great support- emotionally and practically. I value them all so much at this stage of my life.

johndeer · 10/10/2024 20:11

My brother is 18 months older than me. I love him dearly. He’s an absolute rock to me, very loving and supportive and he’s protective of me. I have a great relationship with him. We’re in our fifties now.

Lightsonlightsofflights · 10/10/2024 20:17

I have a one. He’s great. We get on really well and I love him. He’s never been “protective” but tbh that sounds like a sexist assumption of what older brothers are like. Can you imagine what “protective” would actually feel like IRL? Controlling? Telling you not to hang out with certain people? Wear certain things? Behave certain ways?
Thank god my older brother has always trusted me to lead my own life!

3beesinmybonnet · 10/10/2024 20:20

I needed protecting from my older brother - as a child I was regularly bullied and sexually abused by him, and he grew up into a narcissistic self-centred attention seeker as an adult. Went NC with him 13 years ago after my DM died, I'm in my 60s now and haven't regretted it for a second.

Bonjovispjs · 10/10/2024 20:24

I have 3 older brothers, none of them give a shit about me.

MounjaroUser · 10/10/2024 20:25

I think women are far more protective than men, tbh.

Marine30 · 10/10/2024 20:29

Yanbu
Brother is 13 years older than me. As a kid he gave me quite a bit of attention - played sport with me, taught me chess, would babysit if parents out etc but there were always weird little incidences where he’d loose his temper over things and swear a lot (never anything physical towards me) but just general anger and fragility and odd behaviour.
Over the years he’s had so many failed relationships and is a functioning alcoholic. I used to help him pick up the pieces quite often. Suicidal calls from him, weeping down the phone etc. It’s got worse and worse and he’s not that nice to my lovely long-suffering parents. So now we’re pretty much nc.
Shame, but you can only do so much - even if they are family. I think he probably has bipolar and all sorts of issues (stemming back to the strange incidents when I was a kid). Unfortunately he does nothing to try to address them so we barely communicate now. I’m thankful I have a good relationship with my sister at least.

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2024 20:32

nOasistickets · 10/10/2024 20:08

I have an older brother and he is super protective of me and my little sister, always has been - we’re all 7 years apart and super close - we speak almost daily - I don’t live in the same country anymore but we try and FaceTime as often as we can.

How does super protective look? Does he not see you as equally capable?
We no longer need men to fight a duel to protect our honour. Like a pp, I see it as a male thinking he can control a female because he's so much more capable of knowing what's best for her. If it is a case of them fighting battles, then aren't we telling boys that they have to be violent and aggressive?

Tab1eleg · 10/10/2024 20:33

Mt big brother is 18 months older than me, we were competitive and fought when we were teens but once he/we went to uni we’ve got on fine and are friends now.

We also have a younger brother and sister and we’re all really close now as adults. We live close, see each other often and all look out, look after and are protective of each other depending on who needs what at any time

Chuzzle · 10/10/2024 20:33

Mine talks down to me. Offers limited support to our fairly ancient mother. Is condescending. Only contacts me when he wants something. Meh. I have a splendid husband and fabulous children and wonderful friends.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 10/10/2024 20:41

I have 2 older brothers and a younger sister.

My immediately older than me DB is one of my best friends, always had been, we're comrades, despite there being 5 years between us. Eldest DB is like the steering force of the family (DDad died 30 years ago). Love him to pieces, but have more fun it t'other brother.

DSis and I have very little to do with each other. I wouldn't say we dislike each other. No, actually I would.

ManiacDanceFloor · 10/10/2024 20:47

My older brother has hated me since the day I was born, and he's made sure that I knew that. He was the first born and I ruined his life by being born 3 years later.... like I had a choice!

Fortunatelyl I have a really good relationship with my 2 younger sisters and younger brother. None of us speak to our older brother now, he's not worth it

Oodiks · 10/10/2024 20:48

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2024 20:32

How does super protective look? Does he not see you as equally capable?
We no longer need men to fight a duel to protect our honour. Like a pp, I see it as a male thinking he can control a female because he's so much more capable of knowing what's best for her. If it is a case of them fighting battles, then aren't we telling boys that they have to be violent and aggressive?

Show quote history

You're making a lot of assumptions about their relationship here. Being protective doesn't have to mean fighting battles, it can also mean being there for you and taking your side.

I'm super protective of my little sister, doesn't mean I'm literally beating up people.

Jifmicroliquid · 10/10/2024 20:50

Mine is 6 years older. He’d be there if I needed him, and we get on well, but we don’t have that protective brother-sister thing really.

But I loved having an older brother growing up. I idolised him. Some of my happiest memories are me and my brother playing as kids.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/10/2024 20:51

I have 3 older brothers with varying levels of over inflated egos. They've never looked out for me in any way more than we all know we'd be there for each other if really needed.

Wouldn't want it any other way.

Lala1962 · 10/10/2024 20:52

My older brother is very protective of me and always has been. As I child I needed him to be though as was very shy so would only do things if he was there to hold my hand (literally!) and he gladly did. I am very protective of him though too in my own way and always have been. It’s just because we care. I think the relationship would have been the same even if genders were different.