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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me see things clearly - aibu??????

27 replies

Thomcat · 23/04/2008 10:16

We have 3 children together, youngest is 6 and a half months.
I'm breastfeeding her and on maternity leave. She sometimes goes through phases where she goes through the night but it's not a given.

Last night she woke at midnight which is unusual. I fed her and went to put her down as usual but she wasn't happy about it. I picked her back up and basically spent the following 2 hours trying to settle her. Tried everything, nothing was working and I was getting stressed out.

So I woke DP up and said 'ohhh please help me, I can't get her to settle, it's been 2 hours and I need you to see if you can get her down"

He made a pathetic half hearted attempt and draped her over his chest while lying down. She just cried more.

At this point I was pissed off, with him and getting frustrated. He was annoyed at being awake.

At one point I put her in her cot to see if she'd cry herself out and fall asleep. He said "Go and sort the f'ing baby out will you'. I was furious. Still am.

He thinks it's wrong that he was woken up when he has work today and i'm on maternity leave.

I think that in 6 months to got off lightly with child number 3 till now is good going and sometimes, work or no work, I need a bit of help/support, whether I'm on maternity leave or not.

So, does he have a valid point or is he being unfair / unreasonable / unrealistic?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 23/04/2008 10:18

Hi my love
Yes he was being a wanker

Of course you need support sometimes

It is hard to see these things sometimes in the middle of the night though

Suggest you talk about it tonight in calm and rational way

soremummy · 23/04/2008 10:18

He was out of order!

VacantlyPretty · 23/04/2008 10:19

Message withdrawn

Dragonbutter · 23/04/2008 10:20

When you're both tired you're bound to have these sorts of clashes. Especially at night.
I would tell him you understand that he doesn't want to be woken but that you wouldn't do it if you didn't feel you really needed the support.

suwoo · 23/04/2008 10:20

My DH is exactly the same too- wankers!

cazboldy · 23/04/2008 10:21

I think that he was unreasonable to swear at you and be so grumpy.

However she is bf and he does have to get up for work today. I ahve 5dc and am a sahm, and have never purposely woken dh as he is a dairy farmer and has to be up very early and work long hours. Saying that if any of them are ill or up for a very long time he will usually wake up too, and do anything he can to help.

To cut it short, i can sort of see both points of view, but he is being MORE unreasonable than you

madamez · 23/04/2008 10:21

You're not being unreasonable, it's his baby too, which means that he shares the work. Don't let him get into the way of thinking that because he goes out to work and gets paid a salary, he's the only one who matters in the family whereas you work 24/7 and do everything for just keep and pocket money (because once men have started to think like this it is apparently a bit of a job to kick them hard enough to make them realise that women, including wives and mothers, are human beings not service mechanisms).

umberella · 23/04/2008 10:21

Yes, what an arse. Although I can imagine my DP behaving in exactly the same fashion. He doesn't have a bloody clue either.

littlemissbossy · 23/04/2008 10:22

They don't get it do they? My DH never work up!!

batters · 23/04/2008 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dalrymps · 23/04/2008 10:22

YANBU parenting is 24hrs and should be a 50/50 responsibility. Yes, he works, but you work all day looking after 3 children so the evning/night should be shared. Arse.

sleepycat · 23/04/2008 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicMac · 23/04/2008 10:26

Yes, discuss it as calmly as possible when you can be more rational than when sleep deprived. Hope you sort it out

Dragonbutter · 23/04/2008 10:30

This is reminding me of all those nights when I would be up dealing with baby for hours while DH husband snored next to me.
One time i asked him to pass me something that was over on his side and he whined 'I'm trying to sleep', My response was 'You fucking what????' I made sure i woke him up properly so I could give him a piece of my mind.
We laugh about it now.
It's just lack of sleep. It brings out the unreasonable in everyone.

oydal · 23/04/2008 10:32

YANBU.
Just because your on maternity leave doesn't mean you can sit around all day with your feet up. I really think some men have this dilusion!

Having a baby and running a house is very wearing and you need your sleep just as much as your DP.
It's not unreasonable to expect him to help once in awhile, afterall, you've been the one having to get up in the night to feed her. The least he can do is help settle her if she's having on off night.

Maybe you should try to discuss it when he's fully awake...I'm sure he'd understand.

cupsoftea · 23/04/2008 10:35

yanbu - when both parents are at home it's equal for the work of looking after children

lisad123 · 23/04/2008 10:38

You did the right thing, sometimes its better to wake DH than get yourself in a state. My DH works but will get up to our baby in the night, if I dont wake. She is BF too, but he knows she only wakes once in the night for that.
His being an arse. Talk to him when he gets home. Sleepless night are horrible

CountessDracula · 23/04/2008 10:40

Also can I just say

Being at work is a billion times easier and more relaxing than being at home with small chidren! So by that token he should be getting up so you can conserve your energies for the day!

Original poster
Thomcat · 23/04/2008 10:40

Thank you all so much.

I don't usually use the AIBU threads as it's usually really obvious if I am or not but the lines were very blurred to me on this one.

I did only wake him as after 2 hours of screaming and nothing working I thought daddy's shoulder would comfort her, no smell of milk winding her up (she wasn't feeding anymore after the initial feed), just someone different and big and strong to rock her to sleep.

I knew he wouldn't like it, he's a real grump when his sleep is broken. But sometimes needs must. And if I had a pais job out of the home, was back at work and not on maternity leave, would it then be ok for me to wake him?

Anyway, thanks for calming me down and helping me to see the wood for the trees. Much appreciated. xx

OP posts:
Oliveoil · 23/04/2008 10:44

he is being an arse

dh was the same, I used to hiss ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?????!!! and he used to get v grumpy

we used to be awful in the night with dd2, you are both tired and grumpy and lash out at the nearest thing, each other

in the morning we used to say good god what a night and all was well (ish), until the next time

night times are rotten, no reasonable person wants to be awake for 2 hours

tell him he needs to pull his weight a tad more and sharpen your elbows

Original poster
Thomcat · 23/04/2008 10:55

Tiredness is making me all misty eyed reading your supportive posts.

So pleased you can see my pov whilst not telling me to pack his bags.

Think anything other than the way this has gone would tip me over the edge this morning.

And isn't it mad / wonderful how the person who caused all this fuss and comotion, now sleeping soundly in her cot, is just adored more than ever and I've kissed the face of her just as much as I ever would. The wonderful thing about motherhood

OP posts:
lisad123 · 23/04/2008 10:59

Honestly being at home is so hard, I wish some days I could have a lunch break!

Oliveoil · 23/04/2008 11:00

you need to have a good chat this evening, talking makes most things better imo (my only relationship tip)

dd2 was/is a bad sleeper and we were constantly pecking at each other and having tiredness competitions "I was up 3 times" "ha, 3 times, I was up 5 so ner" etc

just remember to clear the air and communicate

if everyone packed their bags in the first year or so, there would not be any families left imo, babies are gorgeous but hard hard work

Original poster
Thomcat · 23/04/2008 11:24

Thanks OO. You're so right. And funny you should say this. In my anger / tired state I did suggest he move in with his mum and leave me to crack on with things and see how it went! But like you say, there would be a lot of divorced parents out there in the first year of a childs life if we all caved in so easily.

Deep breath, early night after a calm talk about a few things.

Thank you, thank you, xxxxxx

OP posts:
Twiglett · 23/04/2008 11:28

you are an absolute angel not waking him for 6 months .. an absolute angel

he is indubitably (sp?) being an overtired arse .. nobody likes being woken up .. but ffs it's really his turn

I used to make DH get up to bring me the baby so I could breastfeed even though he was going to work and I wasn't .. it was part of the deal really

you are a saint TC