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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you bring DP and child with you away for wedding but not take them to the venue

47 replies

CCW14 · 10/10/2024 10:20

A friend of mine is getting married and they are having a no children policy apart from immediate family. I completely understand that (having gotten married myself and having to pay for lots of small children) so I don’t judge them at all for that.

The wedding is pretty far away. Not abroad, but far enough that it will be a few hours travel and a hotel. DH is also invited to the wedding, but since he doesn’t know anyone at the wedding (has met the couple once at our own wedding) he isn’t overly keen to go and have DC at my mums.

Would it be unreasonable for us all to travel together and stay at the hotel and make a mini break/holiday out of this trip, and I would go to the actual wedding myself? I would be paying for hotel myself so no cost involved for the bride and groom. And would you tell them? Or even have them say congrats in the morning over breakfast? I wouldn’t want them to feel awkward like I had to hide my child as he wasn’t invited

OP posts:
arthar · 10/10/2024 10:22

Would it be unreasonable for us all to travel together and stay at the hotel and make a mini break/holiday out of this trip

If you plan to stay a few days and do some sightseeing or whatever, sure. If you are just taking them to literally stay in the hotel for hours then go home next day, why?

NeverRunAfterAManOrABus · 10/10/2024 10:25

No. I’d go alone or just with DH.
I wouldn’t take DC, who might then be really whinging and difficult because they wanted me, that would be an awful trip for both DH &DC.

Original poster
CCW14 · 10/10/2024 10:25

No we would stay an extra day or two either before or after the wedding. Wouldn’t bother dragging DC along for a long trip for him to hide in a hotel. Will have to do some research but it’s somewhere none of us have been before so I’m sure we could find some nice walks and explore a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
CCW14 · 10/10/2024 10:26

I should add that DC will be 5. He is more than happy without me when I am at work or out for the occasional evening as DH is more than capable

OP posts:
x2boys · 10/10/2024 10:27

In theory.i can't see anything wrong
It's not like you are expecting your child to be included
But personally i would worry that the B&G would think you were trying to bring your child by stealth
If you were staying at a different hotel to the wedding i would have no concerns.

arthar · 10/10/2024 10:29

CCW14 · 10/10/2024 10:25

No we would stay an extra day or two either before or after the wedding. Wouldn’t bother dragging DC along for a long trip for him to hide in a hotel. Will have to do some research but it’s somewhere none of us have been before so I’m sure we could find some nice walks and explore a bit

That's a fine thing to do, not sure why you feel it's an issue whether you tell anyone or not though. You have been invited to a wedding, what you do with the rest of your time is up to you.

NeverRunAfterAManOrABus · 10/10/2024 10:31

CCW14 · 10/10/2024 10:26

I should add that DC will be 5. He is more than happy without me when I am at work or out for the occasional evening as DH is more than capable

Regardless, I still wouldn’t do that to the B&G & I definitely wouldn’t have them come over and say congratulations to them at breakfast. They don’t want children there, so I can’t imagine they’d be thrilled having to interact with a child they didn’t expect to even see.

Mindymomo · 10/10/2024 10:32

As long as your DH is happy to do this, then I don’t see any problem. We’ve done something similar, but we stayed in hotel where the reception was. It was myself that went to to room and stayed with DC, as I was shattered and let my DH stay at reception.

PlayDadiFreyr · 10/10/2024 10:34

NeverRunAfterAManOrABus · 10/10/2024 10:31

Regardless, I still wouldn’t do that to the B&G & I definitely wouldn’t have them come over and say congratulations to them at breakfast. They don’t want children there, so I can’t imagine they’d be thrilled having to interact with a child they didn’t expect to even see.

Show quote history

They can not invite the child to the wedding, but they've not asked them to pretend that they don't exist, and frankly, if they did it would be bloody weird.

I'd be keeping the child well out of the way on the wedding day itself, but other than that, fair game.

Singleandproud · 10/10/2024 10:34

If I can turn something into a mini break and explore a new area I do so absolutely would do this. I wouldn't be worried about the B&G either, they don't want to pay or entertain children at their wedding but anything else would be fine.

TheFlis · 10/10/2024 10:35

I had a child free wedding and it wouldn’t have occurred to me that it would be any of my business if someone had done this. As long as you don’t take the child to the wedding itself, it doesn’t impact the B&G at all.

FelixtheAardvark · 10/10/2024 10:36

Strikes me as an excellent plan (but then I will do anything to avoid a wedding).

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 10/10/2024 10:37

I would stay at a different hotels

Tagyoureit · 10/10/2024 10:41

It's fine, not sure why people can't read properly, you're making a mini break out of a long trip.

Just be upfront with the bride saying as it's so far, you're doing a mini break and dh and kiddo will be doing xyz on the day making it clear that you're not trying to sneak your child in and you can't wait to have a lovely, child free day at their wedding.

LoftLaughLoads · 10/10/2024 10:42

If the bride & groom had booked exclusive use of the hotel and are expecting the only people present at breakfast next day should be wedding guests then ywbu.

If it's a big hotel and there are going to be random other guests there who have nothing to do with the wedding then this is a perfectly reasonable plan.

TeamPlaying · 10/10/2024 10:44

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, it’s just a mini break, with you doing something separate for a few days.

If you’ll be staying in the same hotel I’d be tempted to give the couple a heads up, otherwise I can imagine someone seeing your child and freaking out that you’re going to sneak them in to the wedding.

Branleuse · 10/10/2024 10:47

I dont think its unreasonable at all. I dont see what business it is of theirs.
Its a shame your dh doesn't want to go with you to the wedding though

Sjh15 · 12/10/2024 20:01

I’d do this.
just don’t stay at the same hotel as the bride lol!

Noglitterallowed · 12/10/2024 20:11

Absolutely fine! We had this at our wedding and it was absolutely fine we didn’t think bad of anyone we got married during Covid so limited numbers. They will be glad you’re there and you still get family time. As long as it doesn’t encroach on the wedding they won’t even care xx

OrangeSlices998 · 12/10/2024 20:14

Sjh15 · 12/10/2024 20:01

I’d do this.
just don’t stay at the same hotel as the bride lol!

Why?!

OP I can’t understand why the bride would care your husband and DS are staying at the hotel you’re in & spending time in the town they’re getting married in but not coming to the wedding. It certainly wouldn’t have been an issue for me at all when I got married recently.

HermoniePotter · 12/10/2024 20:20

I’d opt to stay at a different hotel tbh. It could come across a bit like oh look my child is here and my DH can’t go to wedding because he’s looking after our child who wasn’t invited. They may see it like that even though that’s not the case.

BarbaraHoward · 12/10/2024 20:20

I think it's fine, but if you can, book something for DH and DC on the day of the wedding so that is clear you're not angling for an invitation.

Absolutely fine for them to be anywhere bar the wedding reception and surrounds, including breakfast the next day.

Manthide · 12/10/2024 20:21

Dd2 did this when her and her dh were invited to a child free wedding. Her dh didn't know the b&g well so dd went to the wedding and her dh looked after their ds. They stayed for a few more days. Don't think it was an issue but the number of guests who asked where her ds was did annoy her a little bit as they must have known children were not invited. Her ds was only 3 or 4 months old.

TheRomanticOutlaw · 12/10/2024 20:28

arthar · 10/10/2024 10:29

That's a fine thing to do, not sure why you feel it's an issue whether you tell anyone or not though. You have been invited to a wedding, what you do with the rest of your time is up to you.

Show quote history

This. It's absolutely fine. You get to go to the wedding which suits you. Your DH doesn't have to, which suits him AND you all get a nice little mini break together. But I wouldn't get the DC to come and congratulate them or anything. That might make the couple feel awkward after they specified no kids. In a sort of " Here are my DC who want to wish you well, even though they weren't invited to the wedding" type-thing.

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/10/2024 20:35

It's fine - make it clear they've got other plans for the day if you feel you really have to, but it's not costing them anything and if they truly believe you'd force a child on an event that is child-free... then they don't really know you very well do they?

I probably wouldn't specifically bring DC over to congratulate them, he's too little and doesn't understand what he is congratulating them on, it seems performative.