Culture clashes with DHs relatives

[ItsOhSoTiresome]

I am married to someone whose mum is from a southern European country. I don’t really want to be more specific than that as I’ll out myself.

From the get go I’ve had massive challenges with her, and the women in her family. My MILs culture dominates everything. The way Christmas and Easter are celebrated, birthdays, food…everything. Anything British is rubbish, and everything from her home country is brilliant.

The women in her family are very dominant and bossy. If you don’t do as you are told you get shouted at, or punished. The men are pathetically weak.

If you are not one of them i.e. a blood relative, you are dirt basically. Over the years I’ve heard them say absolutely terrible, catty things about them. It’s always the women, they don’t slag off the men. They are always not talking to someone, slagging one of them off, or playing games. The politics is off the scale.

Of course, they do all this to me. They play games. Recently we invited them to something. My MIL and one of my SIL’s sat there and came out with the biggest yarn you could imagine, as to why they couldn’t come. It involved flights and a hotel. I then heard from someone else that they went to see a concert. This was so inconsequential, why not just say “I’m not free”.

There are a million other incidents where I’ve done wrong, they’ve not spoken to me for 6 months, bad mouthed me to others, ignored me when I’m in my or their house. They do this to all the female non blood.

They do this, then they expect everyone to get along in between. There have been some big blow outs with other female family members and they just expect everyone to have short memories. In fact, one of my SILs has told my DH that she has no idea what on earth she has done as she gets the impression I don’t like her. I’m in the wrong apparently.

In the past I’ve been given feedback from female family members who live 000’s miles away, and don’t know me, yet have heard something, and think it’s their place to criticise my parenting.

I put up with this when younger, when inexperienced, but now I have no tolerance of it. I don’t want to know them. My DC are older now and the last time I saw them one of my SILs took a minor shot at one of my DC. If that happens again I’m likely to go nuclear because I’m brilliant at sticking up for others, not so much myself.

I find it really hard because I am quite a non confrontation person, and all this drama and games is exhausting. I didn’t want to turn this into a culture thing, but I’m English and I don’t think we act like this. If you bad mouth me, ignore me, and blank me for months, I’ll take it that our relationship is over, I’m not going to easily forgive and forget. Problem is there’s lots of them, and only me. I’ve stepped back so much, and I see a massive fallout on the horizon when I start putting my foot down and say, sorry I’m sick of not celebrating Christmas Brit style with some eggnog and sprouts, crack on but we are doing what we want.

AIBU it’s cultural, suck it up you knew what you married into
YANBU don’t take this shit anymore

Your DH's grey rock attitude is actually the best way to deal with it.

I'm surprised you don't actually find it funny, like some My Big Fat Greek Wedding parody. I'd be laughing at the drama.

The xenophobia is easily dealt with:

Relative: gripe about how shit the UK is compared to the home country.

OP: god yeah, I agree, it's shit here isn't it, I know; why don't you move back there it sounds really good

Relative: makes some excuse

OP: no but really it's very hard to understand why if you hate it here why you stay, in your shoes I would just move back, why don't you do that?

And just carry on like that until they shut up.

Bullet very well swerved..!

Dressing like they are going to a wedding everyday? Definitely Italian!

Italian men 🥰

The constant culture insulting really gets you down. A friend from another (similar) country & lived here (Aus) for 10 years. Aussie bashed constantly, people, govt, education... everything in her country was perfect. She's gone home now & messaging me how hard it is - she's realised it's not the land of milk & honey.

Anyway, I had a MIL/SIL who were very aggressive & loved drama, especially by insulting family & friends (I was targeted with verbal abuse). I too put up with it when younger, but eventually realised I didn't HAVE to deal with their abuse & said no more. DH eventually put them in their place but it just sent them underground. They won't change. MIL passed two years ago (FIL quickly remarried). I refuse to spend Christmas etc. with SIL or help/spend time with elderly FIL. DH still talks like we need to decide which family to spend Xmas with, or floats family holidays with them (FIL is very unwell) but I'm clear - I'm not wasting more time with people who treat me like rubbish. It's so easy, really.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your comments. It has made me see things clearer and sure up what I feel I need to do.

I do think that it is a mixture of culture and just not being very nice people.

Looking back, I felt like I was the one who had to massively compromise to their dominance, like as if I’d moved to MiLs country, and had to assimilate. This was not the case, and it wasn’t right.

From now on, I’m not facilitating this. My DH is not interested in that side of his life except for some of the food, and won’t care. He actually thinks being British is great. My DC are not interested either. In fact my DC find them extremely rude and annoying.

I’m’ also not putting up with comments about British women. I know I made side comments about their dress sense, but I’d never directly say that to hurt anyone’s feelings like they do. I don’t feel the need to get that dressed up, I don’t think it looks good at all, but if they are going to criticise me, then I think I need to start dishing it back.

The 2 SILs have also started contacting my teen DC directly now. I know there is nothing I can do about this, but it makes me feel paranoid like they are trying to bring them into their fold. My DC are not interested and don’t want to be contacted and I think that because they are not engaging there will be some drama and fallout about it, which I won’t be able to stand by and not say anything.

I think the reason this has all come to a head with me is because a couple of years ago one SIL suddenly decided she was the heir apparent to MILs matriarch role. She started dictating what was going to happen. With MIL I just thought to myself that well, she won’t always be around. When SIL seemed to be taking over, I just thought that I cannot take more decades of this so I started to disengage.

I often feel very outnumbered.

Maybe say something like, the last time someone from [insert their country] criticised an Englishwoman, she cut off their head (invoking Boadicea -> Romans, Elizabeth I -> Spanish, whatever)?

They sound like bullies and the one thing bullies hate is when the 'victim' fights back. Read up on some historical knowledge to put them in their place. Point out the public deficit being run by their country or their recent economic 'bailout'.

There is no point trying to be friendly at all to them, so just enjoy the final chances to have a snigger at them before you cut off all contact. Life is too short to spend it with unpleasant inlaws!

You are still insistent on flag waving as opposed to motivating your husband to do his job and manage the relationship between his family and his wife.

If you feel the need to dwell on negative emotions and get your blood pressure up, by all means have at it.

But be clear in your mind that you warring with your in-laws with nativist undertones does nothing positive for your children's self esteem - who have the heritage that you denigrate in their blood. These are their aunts, uncles and grandparents. It also doesn't present a great role model for conflict resolution.

It is understandable that you are frustrated with the treatment you have faced from your in-laws but you are directing your energy at the wrong people and continuously absolving the one person who is responsible for this mess - your husband.

You think? Italians are elegant, but not over the top imo.

I married into a Portuguese family, MIL is the matriarch, I'm the only one that's ever stood up to her 😂 husband finally does but I had to do it first!

@ItsOhSoTiresome I could have written your thread (some of it word for word) but please don’t think this is a purely ‘Southern European’ trait, all this behaviour in my life comes from my British family. Some families are just nasty.

I don't think you have a relative problem. You have a spineless head-in-the-sand DH problem.

Yes

Again, I am amazed at the toxicity people tolerate in their lives
Do they not realise the effect it has on the children? And then they start on the kids?
No, an absolute no. Go NC

You married into this family why? You married a pathetically weak mummies boy why? What was wrong in your life that you thought this weak spineless man and toxic family sounded like a fantastic life?

Hmm, I’m glad op has taken such care as not to out herself by hiding the “southern European” country in question, because I’m completely none the wiser as to which Italy country her relatives are from 🍕

Don’t be such a bore!

I don't understand why you just don't go no contact with them, I certainly would.

If your gutless DH wants to see his family, fine, but I would refuse point blank to ever again.

If DC don't want to see them, that's also fine. They're older and can make their own minds up.

I think you're right to step away . I know others are blaming DH but he won't see it all because these women probably don't show their nasty side when the men are around . Also its his culture its how he was brought up . But now is the time to make it clear youre doing uou own Christmas this year . As your children get older, you will want your own Christmas traditions any way with your own twist on the two cultures . You've tried to mingle it hasn't worked . So what! Enjoy !

This reminds me of my cousins. As kids, whenever we used to visit them abroad, they would criticise terrible terrible Britain and talk about how their home country was the best.

As soon as they turned 18, what country did they run to study and settle in???

Must be an Italian family you’re dealing with surely? Drama Drama Drama !!!

This mine is an ex - he wouldn’t stand up for me - I’d advise anyone in this situation to run or divorce any man or partner that can’t defend you or go NC.

I really hope you tweaked their noses about that!

I’m south Asian - born here in the UK and married to another south Asian however different caste and so the differences were significant when we got married. His family is a lot more traditional than mine which also means more backwards and women are deemed lesser than men - particularly Women married into the family. I’m educated, have a big career but this was frowned upon because I’m not in the kitchen cooking 24/7. Anyway for years I tried to make an effort with them but i could never fit in. Once I had kids it was too exhausting and now I make v little effort. Only see them at family weddings for example.
I am fortunate that my husband, SIL and BIl stuck up for in front of their mum when she was being horrid to me.
but the point is you have a choice. It’s your life, your kids and you can walk away from this toxicity. Otherwise it will (and sounds like it already has) take a toll on your mental health, you will start hating them and this hatred will start eating away at you and you become this person that you don’t recognise. It’s not worth it.
your husband can continue to see them - as much or as little as he wants. But make your feelings and your position very clear - for the sake of your health.

@Rainbowstrike, the typical Italian family doesn't have more drama than a typical British one. Not sure what kind of people you have dealt with in your life but I can ensure you that what op is describing is not just due to culture.