Culture clashes with DHs relatives

[ItsOhSoTiresome]

I am married to someone whose mum is from a southern European country. I don’t really want to be more specific than that as I’ll out myself.

From the get go I’ve had massive challenges with her, and the women in her family. My MILs culture dominates everything. The way Christmas and Easter are celebrated, birthdays, food…everything. Anything British is rubbish, and everything from her home country is brilliant.

The women in her family are very dominant and bossy. If you don’t do as you are told you get shouted at, or punished. The men are pathetically weak.

If you are not one of them i.e. a blood relative, you are dirt basically. Over the years I’ve heard them say absolutely terrible, catty things about them. It’s always the women, they don’t slag off the men. They are always not talking to someone, slagging one of them off, or playing games. The politics is off the scale.

Of course, they do all this to me. They play games. Recently we invited them to something. My MIL and one of my SIL’s sat there and came out with the biggest yarn you could imagine, as to why they couldn’t come. It involved flights and a hotel. I then heard from someone else that they went to see a concert. This was so inconsequential, why not just say “I’m not free”.

There are a million other incidents where I’ve done wrong, they’ve not spoken to me for 6 months, bad mouthed me to others, ignored me when I’m in my or their house. They do this to all the female non blood.

They do this, then they expect everyone to get along in between. There have been some big blow outs with other female family members and they just expect everyone to have short memories. In fact, one of my SILs has told my DH that she has no idea what on earth she has done as she gets the impression I don’t like her. I’m in the wrong apparently.

In the past I’ve been given feedback from female family members who live 000’s miles away, and don’t know me, yet have heard something, and think it’s their place to criticise my parenting.

I put up with this when younger, when inexperienced, but now I have no tolerance of it. I don’t want to know them. My DC are older now and the last time I saw them one of my SILs took a minor shot at one of my DC. If that happens again I’m likely to go nuclear because I’m brilliant at sticking up for others, not so much myself.

I find it really hard because I am quite a non confrontation person, and all this drama and games is exhausting. I didn’t want to turn this into a culture thing, but I’m English and I don’t think we act like this. If you bad mouth me, ignore me, and blank me for months, I’ll take it that our relationship is over, I’m not going to easily forgive and forget. Problem is there’s lots of them, and only me. I’ve stepped back so much, and I see a massive fallout on the horizon when I start putting my foot down and say, sorry I’m sick of not celebrating Christmas Brit style with some eggnog and sprouts, crack on but we are doing what we want.

AIBU it’s cultural, suck it up you knew what you married into
YANBU don’t take this shit anymore

Her in laws sound very xenophobic.

Hmm...that's OP's take on it. I wonder what they would say?

I would say constant criticism of her British culture is xenophobic or does it only cut one way?

Lol of course it only cuts one way.

Reading through the thread is seems that you really don’t like your ILs - not a criticism, but you have nothing in common with them in terms of personal values and don’t seem to find anything redeeming about them. I’m assuming you don’t have children yet, but this friction will get worse when/if you do.

I know people say that when you marry a person you marry into their family, but I personally think that’s rubbish. Your IL’s sound opinionated and narrow-minded and you are not obligated to spend any time with them whatsoever.

I think you should just decline to see them and tell DH why and that it’s non-negotiable (esp given how little he has done to stand up for you). Let your DH visit as he wishes, even over Christmas if he wishes, but you do you. Spend Christmas your way, visit your own family. Their values (politeness and consideration) mesh with yours and how you would no doubt chose to raise any children or simply live your life. Your ILs’ doesn’t.

This.
And I guess Italian.

This is everything to do with culture op. That was my repeated experience too.

What mama says goes. And EVERYONE toes the line, without exception.

All of my dps were simpering wrecks with their mothers, it was total buzzkill. I remember being incredulous at the backbone literally evaporating before my eyes. They are raised never to defer mother.

You are the scarlet woman stealing her boy and will never be anything else. So yes create some boundaries and stick to them, the U.K. is a great country be proud of your culture. The bad feeling stems from you not being the local girl from the village op. There is literally nothing you can do to change how they feel.

When dp and I finally separated, he was more worried about what his mother would say than anything else. To my mind that said it ALL! I packed him back to her asap and never looked back 🕺

You’ll never change it.

Grey rock, minimise contact and please yourself.
send DH and stay away whenever you can.

my guess 😏 is Greek / Greek Cypriot because of the clothing / being done up 24/7

Nah, Greek or Cypriot is my guess.

I can’t see how you’d out yourself by naming the country unless it’s The Vatican.

Only a handful of women actually live there - and I think they're all nuns - so probably not likely to become MILs in the first place!

Can I introduce you to the Borgias?
😉

Just to derail a bit more (sorry) I love eggnog and spend hours making it from scratch on Christmas Eve only for everyone to take a tiny glass, declare it delicious but decline any more.
So guess who has to finish it off... (it doesn't keep.)

I live as part of a mixed race family (Me Indian, DH white). I do not think we have ever had these problems and we usually compromise a bit to get the best of both. For example we can cover Diwali straight before Halloween and Bonfire night and have no issues with Xmas. I think this points to your problems being with the individuals. I would not excuse too much on culture, ignorance and aggression is not IME a cultural thing. So I might be tempted to distance myself and if their response is to go off in a huff... well then that is there response.

Are you serious? Your SIL did not speak the language fluently and the blame is on them for not hiring her?

Don't be ridiculous.

I can relate to some of this. I was born here but my parents are also from southern Europe and my DH is from the same country but has been here 30 years. As I was born here I find myself acting much more the 'British way'. My in-laws are very nice so I am lucky so I am not sure it's entirely a cultural thing. However, one thing that absolutely infuriates me in my experience is the same attitude towards women who have married into the family. The women bashing is off the scale, they are to blame for everything, a marriage falling apart, children who are badly behaved, a husband who has let himself go etc...
You need to start putting your foot down and doing things your way. I know a few women actually from the country and have distanced themselves from their inlaws for the same reasons. Yes they are bitched about for the rest of their lives probably but they had to do it for their own sanity.

That sounds a nightmare OP! Unfortunately when you marry a man you often also marry his family in these situations. Does he make you happy enough to suffer all this? Especially bearing in mind this could massively ramp up if you have DC. I think you either have to withdraw as much as possible if you stick with him - ensure you go there as little as possible, do your own Xmas in the UK etc and avoid the drama. It seems sad if you want to get on with them - but probably they don't want to get on with you. If my DH didn't back me up 100% but avoided the situation (as yours seem to) it would make me consider whether it was worth my one short life being subject to their nasty behaviour.

Definitely only one way according to some on here!

Italian by any chance 🤣

I was born in a South European country and then moved to London when I was young and I have dual nationality.

I had to put my foot down with family members on my mother's side over the years. I made it clear that:

• I won't tolerate random criticism of the UK
• I am not interested in their poisonous family drama and gossip
• the fact that I am a woman does not mean they can try to control my life and tell me how I should live.

Eventually that led to estrangement as I was never close to them in the first place and I had enough of the toxicity.

Basically OP you need to put some firm boundaries in place and make it clear that they need to back off.

I would say as well that you have a DP problem because he should be standing out for you and making it clear that his family needs to show respect to his wife.

Sorry to hear that your ex let you down.

Again, in this scenario the husband lacked the testicular fortitude to mould the relationship - or indeed throttle it - with the in laws. These husbands are not innocent bystanders observing two parties in conflict. They have a role that they are failing to fulfill.

Waving rival flags at each other animatedly is not productive.

Where the husband is unable to stand up for his wife and put his foot down, separation is the correct course of action.

However, one thing that absolutely infuriates me in my experience is the same attitude towards women who have married into the family. The women bashing is off the scale, they are to blame for everything, a marriage falling apart, children who are badly behaved, a husband who has let himself go etc...

This is interesting as it pretty much sums it up. It’s the total bashing of women who have married into the family.

Also what starting again said;

• I am not interested in their poisonous family drama and gossip
• the fact that I am a woman does not mean they can try to control my life and tell me how I should live.

It’s this.

It is off the scale, not only to me, but listening to the vitriol against the other women.

The bit I don’t understand is why they don’t think it through to the consequences. Oh, I said this about her and that about ItsOhSo, and I ignored them, that’s why they don’t want to hang out with me. It’s literally “ what’s her problem?”, “what’s up with her”.

When I think of the spats they have with each other it reminds me of Alexis and Crystal having a fight in the mud.

Honestly once he was on the flight back to mother I felt I had swerved a bullet. The idea of having actual children with such a limp lettuce was not filling me with joy!

The other issue is that he did not believe it was a ‘man’s job’ to do any housework at all, or any cooking! None of these things were noticed until he moved in, and being Italian he was so picky and critical. I was working two jobs whilst he was doing very part time hours and preening at the gym, expecting gourmet cuisine every night - no chance!

The sad puppy eyes at the thought of telling his mother was too much and killed off any regret I may have felt stone dead! I have to say for their faults British men are much more hands on and have usually been raised to have some input in domestic affairs and cook etc,

You have a DH issue. He knows what's going on, he grew up with it after all

Step back. Your DH can manage his own family and his relationship and his children's relationship with them. Things will get a lot better for you.

Agree with others. Similar position here. Grey rock and create distance. Removing yourself from their drama will do you the world of good.