To think that marriage is an outdated concept?

[YourAgileUmberPoet]

In today’s world, marriage just seems like a piece of paper that doesn’t mean anything anymore. AIBU to think that marriage is outdated and unnecessary?

And don’t forget an elderly pensioner could marry an 18-year-old who would get the spouse’s pension. It’s outdated.

Is that even if you've been claiming it first, like with the provision to pay a surviving spouse a percentage? Didn't know that if so.

Not sure making pension policy on the basis that elderly pensioners don't usually marry 18 year olds is outdated! Unless there's a growing trend towards this that I've missed?

Yes whatever is left in your pot if you are drawing down can go to nominated beneficiaries. This does not apply if you buy an annuity.

Yes, and it doesn’t count as part of your estate for IHT purposes, either.

If you die before 75 it passes to whoever you name as beneficiary tax free. Taxed if you are older than 75.

This is one reason wealthier people save into their pension

If you have a DC (defined contribution/ private) pension, be sure to have named the beneficiary you would like it to pass to. Mine goes to Dc.

Yeah knew the IHT bit.

Mine's DH at present, but likely to revisit as kids get older.

I'm totally with you OP. It's just a bit of paper. As soon as marriage stopped being permanent it lost the meaning. People in my family have said 'till death do us part' three times. Mainly due to infedelity. If someone has married 'forever' once and then divorced why on earth would they want to do it again...and sometimes again and again! And as the subsequent spouse how would you ever believe this one will be different?! Bonkers.

Not saying that people should stay in a loveless marriage or one where they're unhappy, but if you can just up sticks and leave then really what's the point of having the covenant? Just be together without the wedlock. I'm not clued up on all the legal options these days, but does seem past time that you should be able to get the same rights as partners/co-parents/home owners as spouses.

But to each their own and all that. Would never be so bold and blunt with my opinions outside of the blissful anonymity of the interwebs. Especially not to my hopelessly romantic husband who thinks he sweet talked me out of these opinions when he explained why it was super important to him that we were officially wed. Sigh.

So you want the same rights for partners/co-parents/home owners as spouses without marriage. You also say marriage is just a piece of paper because divorce is a thing. Partners/co-parents/home owners can also split up, this would mean that they would potentially have to hand over half their assets, without having signed up to it. Unless you’re suggesting they do sign a contract, in which case, there is an option for them to do that, it’s called marriage.

Your arguments don’t make sense. If you want the protections of marriage, get married, if you don’t, then don’t.

Calling any important legal contract a bit of paper is always daft. Wherever one stands on the good or bad of the institution.

Want them? Personally? No. I have no desires on them whatsoever. Was just trying to think of ways other people might be committed to each other and circumstances in which those people might want to have recognised as worthy of protections.

However, you mention a contract. I don't think a lot of people (especially younger people) think of it first and foremost as a contract (even though it is literally a marriage contract). It's a better word for it really. Someone can join a contract with a business partner (for example) without the general expectation that they'll stand up in front of everyone they know and make vows. And if that working partnership stopped being viable for either party they would break it, most likely without any of the shame and stigma that often accompanies divorce. So perhaps you've articulated better what the institution could be in reflection of a modern world, rather than it generally being based on some archaic fantasy that it's a permanent state when that no longer seems to be the case for the masses.

I agree that people should see it more as a contract, there’s so many examples on here of people thinking getting married involves rings, giving away the bride, white dresses etc. it does not, nor are there any vows legally required. You only have to declare that you don’t know of any legal impediment why you can’t marry, and state that you take x to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife. That’s it, no forsaking all others, no death till us do part, no love, honour cherish, and certainly no obey.

www.surreycc.gov.uk/birth-death-and-ceremonies/ceremonies/your-wedding/other-information/legal-wording

This is just lovely

@Aposterhasnoname It's the stigma I'd do away with tbh. The stigma that unmarried couples are somehow 'less', the stigma that if a couple divorces they've failed. These are all the bits that make it feel horrendously outdated. When my partner asked me to marry him he didn't say 'Hey I'd like to spend my life with you and here are all the sensible, legal, financial reasons that makes sense to me', it was all romance and name changing and stuff I couldn't care less about. Pretty sure growing old on a porch together featured.... (still waiting for the porch 😂) Honestly the main reason he convinced me was that we were going to have a baby and we're from different countries so being married would make travelling with the kids easier. The phrase I've heard over and over following a wedding is that 'it doesn't feel any different', so people genuinely seem to expect that it's going to be ground altering.

Well, yes.

That's odd. I had lived with my ex before we married. When we married it did feel different - we were committed as a couple and our futures were linked in a way that they had not been before. Our families were linked as well, both legally, and when we had children, biologically.
I don't think getting divorced is a failure. Some relationships fail however hard you work at them - if you marry a man who turns out to be a gaslighter or who does not value family ties (as I did) then you eventually have to end the relationship.

DH and I lived together for 9 years before we married. But being married definitely felt different to me. It was the fact he wanted to stand up infront of his family and friends and tell them I was the most important person in the world to him. It took him a long time to propose but once he'd decided it, then it was an absolute commitment. On our wedding day he seriously told me that our marriage would be like the Mafia, the only way out would be to die.

"On our wedding day he seriously told me that our marriage would be like the Mafia, the only way out would be to die."

That's disturbing. What if you want out?

Then I would leave, obviously. It was a figure of speech.

He sounds psychotic.

Only a teeny tiny bit.

But surely that’s the point of equality in divorce,.- woman who are higher earnings get less of the assets

If you're stuck for something to do today, you could start placing bets at how many posters will wilfully misconstrue this and come along to tell you your husband is a controlling, retrogressive psycho and you should plan to leave.

Oh that's a good idea. I'll get cracking on a spreadsheet right now, to record the data (that's assuming DH allows me to use the PC, obvs).

How is it just or fair to get less if you earned more? I’ll never understand this.

@Fs365

But surely that’s the point of equality in divorce,.- woman who are higher earnings get less of the assets

But it’s often the opposite of equality when this happens in practice. If a female breadwinner gets divorced she will often be paying out to a man who will almost certainly be doing less childcare and domestic labour after the divorce (because let’s face it they almost always do).

Divorce should pay out to the person who will be stuck with the lion’s share of the unpaid labour and thus have less opportunity to make money. It shouldn’t be an opportunity for lazy or unproductive men to enrich themselves.

(Which is why it’s usually a bad idea for a highly paid woman to get married in the first place).