Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not always want MIL seeing DC only at her house

36 replies

carsa · 09/10/2024 12:25

I'm super accommodating to my in laws when they want to see my kids.

I never say no and I always let them do what they want with them. They often show at inconvenient times, like 6 pm and they usually want to take them to their house.

I always accommodate even when it's not convenient.

Today MIL wanted to see DD and I asked her to come over, which she initially agreed to and then said ' actually I've changed my mind, can you bring her here instead'.

I replied saying I would rather DD stay home today as she's under the weather, which MIL knows.

I know MIL won't be totally happy but it's fine to sometimes not say yes to do it exactly how she wants, right ?? I'm a bit of a people pleaser, if you can't tell!

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 09/10/2024 12:27

Why are you saying yes when it's inconvenient for you?

This is an entirely self made problem.

jeaux90 · 09/10/2024 12:27

Boundaries are important, a lesson your DD needs to be taught from you

GabriellaMontez · 09/10/2024 12:27

Yanbu.

I don't really understand why this is happening so regularly. Or why you would take her.

Original poster
carsa · 09/10/2024 12:27

Blobblobblob · 09/10/2024 12:27

Why are you saying yes when it's inconvenient for you?

This is an entirely self made problem.

Sometimes I do say no, but rarely.

OP posts:
NoBiscuitBase · 09/10/2024 12:28

So many people behave like doormats here. OP please assert yourself.

Macaroninecklace · 09/10/2024 12:30

It’s perfectly fine not to allow your in-laws to take an unwell child to their house for their own enjoyment, yes. Frankly I’d have said no to any visit if your child is unwell - forget pleasing your in-laws, what’s best for your daughter in this situation?

Original poster
carsa · 09/10/2024 12:30

My MIL can be a bit mean / overreact when I've tried to set boundaries in the past.

OP posts:
Macaroninecklace · 09/10/2024 12:31

carsa · 09/10/2024 12:30

My MIL can be a bit mean / overreact when I've tried to set boundaries in the past.

And where is your DH in this?

Itssodark · 09/10/2024 12:32

The answer is no. I agree you've been too accommodating. Now politely set out some reasonable boundaries ie you will drop off x often with y notice. No collection after 3pm.

GabriellaMontez · 09/10/2024 12:33

carsa · 09/10/2024 12:30

My MIL can be a bit mean / overreact when I've tried to set boundaries in the past.

She's a bully.

The only thing that works is standing up to bullies.

ARichtGoodDram · 09/10/2024 12:34

carsa · 09/10/2024 12:30

My MIL can be a bit mean / overreact when I've tried to set boundaries in the past.

That's more reason to set boundaries, not less.

The more often you dance to her tune the harder it will be to set boundaries when it's important.

Snorlaxo · 09/10/2024 12:38

You are sending the wrong message to your dd. She’s under the weather ffs- let her chill at home rather than making her see MIL to make your life easier.

It’s important to teach your dd not to be a people pleaser or she will end up being someone else’s doormat and taken advantage of.

MrSeptember · 09/10/2024 12:39

How old are your DC and why do you feel you always have to accomodate her? I'm a big believer in encouraging strong relationships with grandparents, and I'm also happy to be flexible, even if sometimes it's not 100% convenient to me. But I don't have any problem, when it's genuinely an issue, saying, "no, that doesn't work."

My advice would be in a situation like today just to say, "no, dd's not so well. If you want to com eover here I'm sure she' dlove to watch a movie or read a story with you and it would make her feel better" then just ignore everything else.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/10/2024 12:40

So you're bullied and now lay down for her?

MeMyCatsAndI · 09/10/2024 12:45

You should have just said no she's not well and not up for visitors. Poor kid probably just wants to relax!

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 09/10/2024 12:50

A person who doesn't treat you right shouldn't be around your dc imo. Your dd should see you are treated with kindness and respect... Mil's 'wants 'don't trump your boundaries
.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/10/2024 13:00

@carsa why would anyone allow their mil to take their child to mil's house at 6pm??? its nearly bedtime for child!! you need to grow a pair of balls or tell your partner that his arent big enough if he isnt saying anything to his mother in your defence!

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 09/10/2024 13:13

Just be firm and set boundaries. So what if she's mean? She'll have to suck it up and understand what doesn't work for you anymore.

Raindancer411 · 09/10/2024 13:14

I am sorry but I would be putting my foot down and saying no more often. I think if they want to see them, they can come over. How old are they currently? As once older and have homework or want to see friends, it's going to have to be less then, so best to start out as you mean to go on.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2024 13:18

I had the same problem OP.
You think you are being flexible, kind, considerate etc... and you are, but at your expense and inconvenience.
Its fine to be "flexible" for people who reciprocate, but in this situation it sounds like MIL gets a bit of a kick out of making you obey her requests as if they were established law.

How often does MIL say, that's not convenient (ie so you'd better accomodate me!) . I am by no means saying thwart all of MIL's requests, but it seems that she expects you to say how high whenever she asks you to jump and you want to re introduce a balance to that in a calm but firm way so that it doesn't become a tradition as she sounds quite forceful.

Part of the problem is that as a new mum, we are often unsure of our rights, we;ve probably been taught (and it feels like this is underlined by your MIL) to respect your elders etc.
But You are the mother now. You are in charge. It's your job to stand up for your DC...and this gives you the authority to say no, even if the matter seems a bit trivial and it causes less fuss to say yes. The fact that it does cause a fuss should actually put you on your guard and harden your resolve since its saying that your views on your DC's care are trumped by someone else's they are not.

Decide what your priorities are in advance and you will have a ready reply on your lips. It really helps to remind yourself of the facts, particularly if this is a repeat performance.

  1. You know that 6.00 pm is really close to bedtime, therefore not just inconvenient for you, but disruptive for DC, especially if it involves extra excitement/feeding/getting them back tired and grumpy and having this complained about as if its a characteristic of the child.
  2. You know that you don't want your little one to be going to someone else's house for visits when they're unwell. That's the end of the story. It doesn't matter if MIL argues that its only a sniffle and she will cheer up etc... if you have made a decision about this, your word is law.

You need faith in yourself that you are a reasonable person, willing to be flexible, but also that you have the authority to decide if something is inconvenient or disruptive ( and I would actually use those words) and to stick to your guns.

On a practical note... I wasn't much of a planner, but I found that having calendars, and thinking ahead about how the DC would like to spend their time in school holidays and at the weekend, when we wanted to take holidays, how we wanted things to be at Christmas... was a very useful tool in making decisive and firm answers. (took me years tho!) Secondly, that you don't have to say yes straight away. "Let me get back to you" - so useful.

LeavesTrees · 09/10/2024 13:25

You have been far too accommodating to your MIL, I would never have started her showing up and then taking your child to her house. Why is she doing that? Why can’t she just see your child at your house when she’s there? Why the need to take her to her house?
I was a people pleaser in the past, but even I wouldn’t have done that.
You are fine to say no to her, your child needs to come first - people please your child instead.

Paperchase100 · 09/10/2024 13:32

carsa · 09/10/2024 12:30

My MIL can be a bit mean / overreact when I've tried to set boundaries in the past.

OP you’re not being unreasonable setting boundaries.

If anything putting boundaries in place will help your children in the long run, they watch everything you do and learn from you.

You have been letting in laws turn up at any hour to take DC and not saying no. Not only could this be confusing your kids, you also said it’s not convenient.

Personally would tell MIL not to come over as you say DD is not feeling the best.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/10/2024 13:32

If she overreacts then that's her problem, think of her like an overgrown toddler having a tantrum because you've said ( rightly) no.

Your DD is not well, she she stays home, that's the end of it.

Cantalever · 09/10/2024 13:38

Just be light and breezy, and lay down what is going to happen with YOUR child. i cannot understand why you have said yes to her unreasonable demands so far. Announcing she is coming over at 6pm !!! If you lie on the floor, people will walk over you - not a good thing to model to your DC!
And its no good saying, "I am a people pleaser" - it's not a state of nature, what are you doing to address it?

Cantalever · 09/10/2024 13:41

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2024 13:18

I had the same problem OP.
You think you are being flexible, kind, considerate etc... and you are, but at your expense and inconvenience.
Its fine to be "flexible" for people who reciprocate, but in this situation it sounds like MIL gets a bit of a kick out of making you obey her requests as if they were established law.

How often does MIL say, that's not convenient (ie so you'd better accomodate me!) . I am by no means saying thwart all of MIL's requests, but it seems that she expects you to say how high whenever she asks you to jump and you want to re introduce a balance to that in a calm but firm way so that it doesn't become a tradition as she sounds quite forceful.

Part of the problem is that as a new mum, we are often unsure of our rights, we;ve probably been taught (and it feels like this is underlined by your MIL) to respect your elders etc.
But You are the mother now. You are in charge. It's your job to stand up for your DC...and this gives you the authority to say no, even if the matter seems a bit trivial and it causes less fuss to say yes. The fact that it does cause a fuss should actually put you on your guard and harden your resolve since its saying that your views on your DC's care are trumped by someone else's they are not.

Decide what your priorities are in advance and you will have a ready reply on your lips. It really helps to remind yourself of the facts, particularly if this is a repeat performance.

  1. You know that 6.00 pm is really close to bedtime, therefore not just inconvenient for you, but disruptive for DC, especially if it involves extra excitement/feeding/getting them back tired and grumpy and having this complained about as if its a characteristic of the child.
  2. You know that you don't want your little one to be going to someone else's house for visits when they're unwell. That's the end of the story. It doesn't matter if MIL argues that its only a sniffle and she will cheer up etc... if you have made a decision about this, your word is law.

You need faith in yourself that you are a reasonable person, willing to be flexible, but also that you have the authority to decide if something is inconvenient or disruptive ( and I would actually use those words) and to stick to your guns.

On a practical note... I wasn't much of a planner, but I found that having calendars, and thinking ahead about how the DC would like to spend their time in school holidays and at the weekend, when we wanted to take holidays, how we wanted things to be at Christmas... was a very useful tool in making decisive and firm answers. (took me years tho!) Secondly, that you don't have to say yes straight away. "Let me get back to you" - so useful.

This is much better than my post just now. Says the same message but so much better.