To feel lost and bleak even though life isn't that bad?

[PinkStork]

I'm wondering if it's just me or whether others feel this way. For context, I have two young children, a DH and work freelance in a role that earns decent money.

I had the children either side of covid. I was made redundant on maternity leave both times. The first time I had begun to build up some freelance work then lockdown came and everything dried up overnight. I managed to find a job after a few months, very long hours, high pressure etc but DH was on furlough so did most of the stuff on the home front.
Second child has been much more challenging than the first with sleeping, tantrums, everything really. So in truth it was a relief when work got rid of me as I don't think I would have managed the job v well post maternity leave. I've gone back to freelance which has been ok - flexibility has turned out to be vital as school wrap around has been almost impossible to sort. It's uninspiring work but decent money.

In the midst of all this we found out last year that our children's uncle had been convicted of child abuse and jailed. DH 's parents knew and kept it from us whilst continuing to facilitate contact between their son in law and our children. No apology has been forthcoming and we no longer have a relationship with any of DH immediate family.

These revelations have knocked us for six. Trying to understand whether he did anything to our children, speaking to the school, trying to get her bottom of what actually went on when the family of closed ranks and nobody will talk to us. The fear of what might happen when he gets out of jail. It's been awful and I feel like I'm still reeling months on.

I feel like we've been living in a bit of a perma crisis since becoming parents, it's making me nostalgic for pre-children me - life was so simple! It's really got me down the last few weeks, I feel isolated, bored work wise constantly tired.

Is this just me or is this something lots of people go through post kids?

Not to put down anything you have gone through, but, yes it's hard, because life is hard, there's no getting away from it. Nothing you have gone through seems particularly uncommon or out of place.

life is hard, our resistance to accepting it is hard is the root of dissatisfaction, acceptance of that leads to contentment.

How did you get to that point of acceptance? I just feel bleak everyday.

wtf? I think the uncle situation is extremely uncommon and out of place? I too would be traumatised by this and you cannot help but wonder and feel guilty that your children were in contact with that person. OP you might have PTSD or similar in relation to this. That is a lot to process, maybe speak to a professional about it, unpack etc?

I disagree, most people don’t have a convicted paedophile in their family.
Op, you’ve been through a lot of stress and your children are still very young, it will take time for things to settle down.
Make sure you are looking after yourself.
If you continue to feel this way or it gets worse, maybe go to your gp because it could be depression/ anxiety.

Yes, professional help is a good idea. What a horrific situation with the uncle. Surely it would be unusual for anyone to carry on cheerfully as normal given these circumstances. I'm sure you'll also get some more support on this thread, OP.

You might, I don't. Maybe you live a more sheltered life?

In the past few weeks I've had the piece round 'cos of kids sending my son child porn, one child has had a mental health crisis, world war three is breaking out as we type and I've got to choose between paying for my own therapy and that of my son.

Shit happens. All the time. Being upset about the world being this shape is a waste of time and ultimately less to unhappiness.

Nothing about the OPs tory sounded weird or unusual. There are paedophiles EVERYWHERE, I mean it, everywhere. It happens all the time, every day, and family covering it up is about as human and expected as it can be. Still wrong. But happens constantly. Don't be shocked about it.

Convicted? No.

but remember, 99% don't get caught. and even the ones who ARE caught, don't generally get convicted, they get a warning. So think again just how many paedophiles are really out there? They are just as likely to be in your family as any others. paedophiles, walk, talk, look and act, just, like, you.

I will be shouted down and called names here, but I will move on with it anyway.

The fundamental tenet of Buddhism, of which I consider myself now to be a member of sorts, is:

Life is uncomfortable
The cause of discomfort is craving
The end of suffering comes with an end to craving
There is a path which leads one away from craving and suffering

It helped me, a huge amount, and helps a good billion odd people world wide. Its just very much not rhetorical western view which seems to like to pretend life can ever become perfect "if only this one thing happens" then it will all be ok.

Life is generally a bit crap. Thats ok.

There is a paedophile in my maternal family, multiple victims - the family closed ranks and are protecting him for now (even one of the victims wouldn't disclose anything to the police) instead they scapegoated me as the whistleblower. I suspect that this is going to change soon as there is another generation coming through who I suspect will be less 'sweep it under the carpet'. I am no contact with them now to protect my own DC.

Experiencing this is very, very difficult. It shakes core beliefs, it upsets homeostasis in families, you realise that people you thought you knew don't have the same sense of right and wrong and justice as you and then there's the shock of the reality. And these are the people who are family, the very people who are meant to be properly safe and protective. Team this with your experience of being a new parent and it's a double blow - this happened to me too, it all blew up just as I had my first child because I realised he needed addressing. Add to that insecure finances and work and no wonder you feel flat - I have been through all kinds of therapy and tbh they didn't do much apart from EMDR and walking up big mountains. Taking control of myself, my children's lives and refusing to compromise on my sense of self healed me the most. So sorry you feel this way OP - I am two decades in and it's a long, dirty, hard road

I opened mumsnet this morning to start a very similar thread (minus the paedo uncle, my goodness, that's awful op).

Two young kids, just feeling utterly overwhelmed. There's always one of us ill at a time. Dc1 is struggling settling into Reception. I never get to spend time with dh. Work is difficult.

It's a perma-crisis for sure.

I'm sorry to hear about the uncle. We had a similar revelation about a friend of a friend who was convicted of similar, but thankfully had had no opportunity to hurt our DC. But it shocks you to the core. I'm a different person now, much more wary and cynical, especially of men. Creepy men are Absolutely Everywhere and some of them are truly, truly sick.

Oh bloody hell, now I feel even worse! 😭

Life used to be so good, job I enjoyed, me and DH had a nice life, holidays etc. now it's a bloody great slog! Maybe they deliberately don't tell you that's what parenting is to not put you off!

Maybe I didn't sound like I was sending solidarity but I meant it. I have two kids, I'm divorced, I work all the time to keep a roof over everyone's heads, one has autism, and mental health needs. So do I (both). Life really is hard and all I meant to say is, people telling you it will all be ok, are sort of gaslighting you when you say, no clearly, things are not ok, I am not happy and bad things have happened to me.

because they have.

Life goes in swings, swings up, swings down, life will probably swing up for you again, and it will swing down again. Grabbing that absolute fact, that this too shall pass, in the good times and the bad, gives a measure of how to navigate life.

Also the Buddhism thing really helped me. No gods required (or church, or chanting)

That sounds very tough but it is still pretty unusual and I am not surprised that OP is still reeling from what happened .
I agree with other people that it might be a good idea to get some professional help if possible OP

Hey OP, I think you've had a tough time of it, and even without that, I am estimating your children are no older than 5 and 3, and honestly yes, it can be a bit of a slog when they're young, and you had them during a very difficult time with the pandemic etc. Couple that with feeling a bit meh about work, and then the shocking and dreadful situation unfolding with your wider family, I can completely see why you feel the way you do.

I go through phases of feeling like that, and I think it's when none of my 'life domains' are really working out the way I would wish them to. It doesn't feel like that when something is going well, e.g. if home is comfortable and nice and not too chaotic, that helps, if work is going well, then that helps, if I am enjoying being a parent then that helps, if I am having lovely quality time with my aging parents then that helps, if I have some fun social times then that helps. If I am in a phase where none of those is really true, then yes, it just feels crap. Life can be hard, and it can be hard work. Hard work is OK if you feel like there is some kind of positive result or outcome, but if you feel like it amounts to nothing positive at all, then yes it is a very bleak feeling.

Sorry this isn't helpful or constructive at all, only to say that I completely relate.

I suppose what I have learnt to do when I feel like that is pick one thing, even a small thing, but a wholesome kind of a thing, and tell myself it is worth doing, and it will improve something, like spending time at the weekend cooking something lovely and homely, or tidying a messy room, or taking my daughter on a walk. They're not exciting or life changing things, but often if I sort of force myself to be in that moment and appreciate it for what it is, then it helps me to feel better. And sometimes it's even things that a cynical me would think a bit 'lame' some of the time, like going to a small local event that I wasn't really that interested in....but you can sort of make yourself see good in those things if you try, and once I start to see the chink of positive light from these small simple things, it helps me to breathe and feel better about everything else.

Final note....when I had actual depression/anxiety post-natally, I would try my hardest to do simple things and even when everything appeared to be going swimmingly (sunny day, bike ride, picnic, etc.) I was still in tears of desperation and feeling black and unable to feel anything associated with happiness at all. That was different. If this is you, then it isn't just feeling bleak or lost, it's something more and you might need help to overcome it.

I was expecting your thread to be about the daily grind and humdrum of life post having DC. But oh goodness no, what you've gone through isn't "not that bad", it's awful and traumatising.

I would work on building a wider support network, especially if the former links with the family are no longer tenable. Also on a personal level I'd get support on acceptance, resilience and trying to make life happier even in small ways.

Erm, we bloody should be shocked by paedophilia, there's a lack of surprise because you've experienced it and then there's just normalising, maybe best not to cross from one to the other?

And no I'm not naive, one of my parents was a social worker who worked with offenders every day, acting like it's "just everywhere" is the wrong attitude imo.

OP, if one of my husband's siblings' partners was discovered to be an abuser it would be bloody traumatising, don't let this be downplayed to you.

Great that Buddhist thought works for you Zahariel but it's not for everyone any more than any other religion or philosophy regardless of the lack of "gods or churches." Your sheltered life mark is really patronising.

A LOT more than you probably think can be put down to your children's ages, OP. Yes life always encompasses suffering, but there is a great deal of joy to be found in the small things - joy which is a lot harder to access when you're exhausted, busy, and never have a moment for yourself. It will get better.

No wonder you feel down. It's been an incredibly difficult time for you and your family. Cutting off one part of the family, although for good reasons, is never an easy thing to do. Personally, I think you are grieving a bit about what has happened.

I take it that things are fairly calm now. So you've only just begon to process that the last few years. If you are feeling sad, that's perfectly understandable. Be king to yourselves, if all I want to say. It will get better, but you all need time and maybe some therapy.

I relate to this so much. You have put into words exactly how I feel. The betrayal by people I trusted absolutely with my children has been very difficult.

Thank you for sharing 🙏

(better write up)

1. Life isn’t always easy: Just like how some days with the kids feel impossible, life comes with its share of struggles—whether it’s stress, pain, or those endless laundry piles. Buddhism calls this suffering, or dukkha. It’s just part of being human.

1. We suffer because we want things to be different: The source of our stress often comes from wishing things were easier or better. It’s like when we wish the kids would sleep through the night or that family life was always calm. This wanting things to be different (or more manageable) is what makes us unhappy.

1. Letting go of that desire for perfection brings peace: Accepting that life won’t always be Instagram-perfect can be freeing. When we stop resisting the chaos and just go with the flow, it’s a bit like embracing the messier side of family life—it might not be perfect, but it can still be joyful.

1. There’s a way to make peace with life’s chaos: Buddhism teaches that by following a practical path—called the Eightfold Path—you can find more calm, clarity, and happiness. It’s like getting a parenting guide that helps you handle tantrums, sleepless nights, and juggling it all without losing your mind. This path includes practices like mindfulness, being kind to yourself and others, and making choices that bring balance to your life. It’s not about fixing everything, but about finding a better way to live with it all.

So in summary:

• Life is hard.
• We make it harder by wanting things to be different.
• Letting go helps us find peace.
• And there’s a practical way (the Eightfold Path) to help us live more peacefully despite the chaos.

Thanks @Zahariel none of that really resonates right now but I will keep it in mind for the future.

I don't really agree that life should be miserable all the time. I think it should be possible to have fun and find enjoyment.

It’s a very nuanced perspective that a single forum post won’t be enough to get across. Buddhist have fun smile and enjoy life more than anyone I’ve ever met to be honest, it’s all balanced with an acceptance that life is short, often painful and absolutely full of things we don’t like and cannot control from cancer to paedophiles to it being a bit chilly in the morning and by acknowledging that rather than wishing it wasn’t true (it never won’t be true) we’re able to be more content in the lives we really have.

good luck either way!

Op, you've had a stressful few years, rougher than most of us.

I think you need a proper break. Can you all take a break and go away somewhere while your elder child is still little?

A couple of weeks somewhere warm, no work, no stress, no school runs, lie-ins and relaxing. Even if you just book it now and go at Easter. Sometimes you need to shut the world out and focus on the four of you. And you definitely need something to look forward to.

I hope it gets easier. x

I think it's okay to feel that way. Nobody can tell you your feelings are unreasonable.

What helps me is remembering how lucky I am to have so many things.

By the time I was mid-twenties I'd already been literally bankrupt, been diagnosed with a lifelong incredibly painful chronic pain condition, had my heart broken, lost a much loved parent to alcoholism, lost my sibling, a few other things. All pretty run of the mill life events but a lot of them quite early on!

What helped for me was finding the things to lean on that made life worthwhile, for me it was music, and friends. I realised I could cope with literally anything as long as I had my hearing.

Every day I remember how lucky I am to live in a country that is currently at peace, to not be at risk of persecution, to not be at risk of torture or being executed, to have clean fresh safe water right from the tap, to have enough food and choice about what I eat and when, to have people that love me, to have a body that is in pain but at least it's nothing terminal (that I know of), to have had the huge privilege of having a child, to have enough money to meet my needs and a little spare for fun. Honestly it's the dream. It's a life many would do anything to have.

It's not a bad thing when you go through stuff like this, that everyone will go through in their lives in different flavours, because it can build resilience, show you who your true friends are, and build your confidence that when the next thing happens you will be able to deal with it cos look how much you've already got through and thrived after.

You're in a stressful period now, but calmer times will come.

life is short, often painful and absolutely full of things we don’t like and cannot control from cancer to paedophiles to it being a bit chilly in the morning

I feel much more strongly about paedophiles than "don't like". It's incomparable to feeling chilly in the morning. There's not much I can do alone to fight so much evil but I'll never stop fighting to safeguard the vulnerable, especially those in my care via family or work.

I think any ideology that shrugs about cruelty and wrongdoing, and merely focuses on one's own "contentment", is inherently selfish. I'm not saying that's what Buddhism is, but I think that what your description of it makes me feel.

Well I’m saying you don’t pay close enough attention. To either what I said, or the real world.

paedophiles are literally everywhere. Denying that makes you a fantasist.

paedophiles aren’t evil. The Nazis weren’t evil. They were people exactly like you and me. That’s what makes them so terrifying.