To feel lost and bleak even though life isn't that bad?

[PinkStork]

I'm wondering if it's just me or whether others feel this way. For context, I have two young children, a DH and work freelance in a role that earns decent money.

I had the children either side of covid. I was made redundant on maternity leave both times. The first time I had begun to build up some freelance work then lockdown came and everything dried up overnight. I managed to find a job after a few months, very long hours, high pressure etc but DH was on furlough so did most of the stuff on the home front.
Second child has been much more challenging than the first with sleeping, tantrums, everything really. So in truth it was a relief when work got rid of me as I don't think I would have managed the job v well post maternity leave. I've gone back to freelance which has been ok - flexibility has turned out to be vital as school wrap around has been almost impossible to sort. It's uninspiring work but decent money.

In the midst of all this we found out last year that our children's uncle had been convicted of child abuse and jailed. DH 's parents knew and kept it from us whilst continuing to facilitate contact between their son in law and our children. No apology has been forthcoming and we no longer have a relationship with any of DH immediate family.

These revelations have knocked us for six. Trying to understand whether he did anything to our children, speaking to the school, trying to get her bottom of what actually went on when the family of closed ranks and nobody will talk to us. The fear of what might happen when he gets out of jail. It's been awful and I feel like I'm still reeling months on.

I feel like we've been living in a bit of a perma crisis since becoming parents, it's making me nostalgic for pre-children me - life was so simple! It's really got me down the last few weeks, I feel isolated, bored work wise constantly tired.

Is this just me or is this something lots of people go through post kids?

Yeah, I tend to agree. Feeling cold is not the same thing as finding out someone in your immediate family is a paedophile and your children's grandparents, who you trusted absolutely, have kept this from you whilst continually instigating situations where said uncle will have unfettered access to your children. I don't think that should be minimised.

I really feel for you, OP. Not to play 'Life's a Bitch and Then You Die' Top Trumps but after facing so many Life Obstacles and overcoming them, I then found out my husband had been sexually abusing our daughter for 5 years; my husband, the local GP that everyone knew and went to, the person of trust who, above all others, should have been his daughter's greatest advocate and protector.
So I can acutely relate to your feelings and how much deception really does rob you of your peace and joy.

You are feeling terribly deceived because well, you have been terribly deceived. And the grandparents circling the wagons (been there!) is an extension of the uncle's abuse and a denial of your rightful concerns, feelings, and well-being. It's a discarding of you and your family, an abandonment. I hope you and your DH are getting therapy because this is seismic. And I say this as someone who also lost my then-husband's family. We felt totally discarded, maligned, and to this day, even throughout criminal and divorce proceedings, I have been treated like the bad guy.

I think more than 'there are paedos everywhere!', what's far more alarming and realistic is how many average people (who are your friends, family, and colleagues) will throw victims and their families under the bus and consciously choose to walk alongside the abuser. That is shocking and very real. And I have yet to figure out why this happens.
The deception is impossible to get over. I can't emphasize enough: Please get therapy if you can afford it. You'll have to go into the weeds with this one and just really try and learn to find peace and joy despite the loss and deception of your DH's family.

By the way, when he's out of jail, he'll be on the sex offenders register and very likely be subject to a sexual harm prevention order.
His victim(s) will be in his exclusion zone- meaning he can't go into the areas where they live or attend school.
Where does that leave your children though? Well, that's easy. Safeguard them. They don't get to see that uncle ever again. It's a line drawn in the sand. And he's not on the children's school emergency contacts/collection list, so, I wouldn't worry too much about him showing up at your children's school. Still, when he's out of prison, it might be a good idea to meet with your children's school's safeguard lead/team to discuss your concerns.

Here's how you can apply for the court transcript of his sentencing hearing (which will answer the questions the family won't). www.gov.uk/apply-transcript-court-tribunal-hearing

Sometimes the court can refuse to give a copy but if you explain that you're a close family member with young children whose safety you are concerned about, you will likely be entitled to a court transcript.

My god, I'm sorry that is terrible @SerenityNowInsanityLater

So many parallels. I'm definitely the bad guy - apparently I'm a terrible mother anyway which is almost the same as the other in law being a child abuser 🤔 In the one conversation we have had since this came to light MIL basically told me what an arsehole I am and how I have turned her son against her. She even accused me of enjoying the drama! I've known her for 20 years and until now she seemed completely normal, we were actually quite close.

It's not just you. It is really common. Having two children close in age leaves your body very run down and you permanently sleep deprived. to work on top of this means we have no reserves of energy to deal with life's extra pressures - and your family situation is certainly one.

In similar circumstances I found a few things really helped.

One was to create 3-4 hour chunks of time every weekend - you get one to do whatever you like while DH cares for Dc and he does too. That way you each get pretty much half a day to either lie in bed, doze and read or go out to see friends, get hair cut etc. Then go out as a family and have fun for half a day and for another half day take one child each - it feels like a holiday to be in charge of just one child at a time . Fit the usual weekly chores in around these fixed times.

Another thing that helped was adding as many tiny pleasures to everyday life as possible. Play your favourite upbeat music while getting the family ready in the morning and your favourite calm music while prepping dinner. Once DC are asleep watch a comedy not a grim crime documentary. Before bed or first thing if you wake before Dc just go out and stare at the moon and stars or sunrise or the shifting seasons in the garden - just for a minute or two. Buy really good tea and coffee and make sure you have a couple of very good brews every day. Buy gorgeous smelling soap and bath stuff - even if your bath is five minutes and interrupted, the scent is pleasing. Make your DC laugh. Have a routine of watching something funny together all cuddled up on the sofa - even if it is just a 5 minute cartoon. Just cram as many small fun ordinary things into each day as possible.

Have fun with your DH - get a baby sitter and do something together once a week that you can chat about, that isn't child-related - go to a film, comedy night, music gig, book reading or talk locally - pick things that really interest you both. Funny and uplifting stuff, ideally. Try and remember to thank each other and compliment each other.

Make life easy where you can. Cook simple healthy dinners that take no more than 5 mins to prep at least twice a week, and buy healthy ready meals once a week too.

It's exhausting. But it gets easier and then it's gone and they are adults and you forget how hard it was and just remember how cute and funny DC were.

"Paedophiles aren’t evil. The Nazis weren’t evil. They were people exactly like you and me."
I think this send out the wrong message. Some of them, I'm sure, are or were evil. The rest did evil things.

It’s exactly the right message and very true unfortunately. We try and tell ourselves there is an evil gene or evil soul. There just isn’t. They are us.

Sorry, but I don't think this makes sense. They are us in that we are all people with two arms , two legs, etcetera.
However, Nazis are different from eg Jews, pacifists, resistance fighters.
Abusers are different from non-abusers. One group is committing a crime, the other doesn't.
Perhaps you mean to say that we all have the potential. I would agree with that, but some people shoplift, others don't. There is a difference.

There is no difference. But for a very slightly different set of circumstances, you'd shoplift too, or indeed, the other things.

We haven't had anything as major as your situation OP - and I think you should be kind to yourself as that's a huge shock - but I also feel like we're living in a "perma crisis" and I'm constantly wired and exhausted.

Very similar situation - two DC, Covid was hard, work has been up and down for both of us, lots of expensive house costs that have been a real struggle, now the cost of living crisis. Both kids also have health issues - not life threatening but cause day to day anxiety and disruption which is exhausting too.

I do often feel like there is no joy in my life anymore. I'm a totally changed person.

I wonder about my future. I wonder if DH and i's relationship can take the strain. We need some easy years. Youngest is now in pre-school so hoping there will be a slightly easier chapter coming. But I wouldn't put money on it

This might be true for some people but history is full of examples of people who have exercised moral choice.
there is no doubt about this. Morality is real. Some people don’t give in to temptation.

There is no such thing as free will.

The gaslighting is, literally, insane, isn't it PinkStork?
It is maddening! Yes, I have been told that I am the one who has severed the bond between DD and her dad's family. Apparently, I've damaged DD by removing her father's family from her, the same people who tried telling me that sometimes dads just slip up and their love for their children goes a little too far. "It happens!" No. It doesn't.
The same family members who wrote letters of support for and high praise of my daughter's abuser, letters I got to sit and listen to snippets of during the sentencing hearing. And what a great guy he is! If you leave out the very minuscule detail that he's an abusive paedophile, he's a great guy! And apparently, DD's losing out on her own family and a relationship with her abuser because of me, this terrible mother who had the audacity to report to police. The thing that's difficult is that, for a small, sweet second, I have actually sat with there accusations of me and wondered, "Oh my god. Am I severing an important bond? Am I supposed to make things right? Am I part of the problem?"

But those who do so much harm and do so much wrong are often the very first victim blame. It's far easier for them to demonise you than it is to accept not only who the abuser really is, but who they themselves are: enablers of abuse, and therefore, in my honest view, as culpable. If a person walk with the abuser, supports the abuser, they are, in my own view, an extension of the abuser's harm. Your DH needs to safeguard his own family from his abusive, extended family members who will gaslight him and demonise you, while scorching their own earth they dwell on just to be 'right', which they can never, ever be (and they know this, hence the reason they're so destructive right now. They've got nothing to lose by burning the whole house of cards down before it inevitably falls).
It's a real trauma that you're going through, OP... a significant and deep trauma. Please get support. This is the stuff that kills a person's spirit and you need to gather as much internal strength as you and DH can muster, together, to hold each other closely. You will absolutely get through this together. But it's life-changing and it tests relationships, simply because there is so much loss and grief you're both experiencing; loss of the life you thought you were going to have together, loss of trust in the people who were meant to walk with you and be your lifelong support. You're grieving now. But there will be a moment when you can stand with pride, solidly, and embrace the loving family you are, despite the pain and disruption of others. You will overcome this time, for sure. Just remember to love each other through these days. They will pass. And you will raise your children in joy.

Absolutely not true. People make choices all of the time. My MIL could have told us about her son in law at any time during the 4 years he was on bail. Keeping it secret was absolutely her choice and hers alone.

Oh goodness! I’ve just noticed my typos and grammar errors in my last post! 🫣 But I’m sure you get the gist of it.
It’s really, really, really hard coming to terms with others’ bad choices, made consciously and with a lot of thought given to them.

You literally have no free will. Scientists have proven it.

Ah I see. Of course.

On which basis we should of course forgive everyone for their mistakes because it's not their fault. What a cop out. Sigh 😔

It’s not my fault you don’t like the truth.

if you rewound the universe and played it again these exact things would happen again. You don’t have free will.

Let's agree to disagree. But thanks for being completely void of any empathy. If I wasn't on the brink before I certainly am now.

Honestlypinkstork please try to ignore. This person is ranting,god knows why but leave them to it

You've had an awful betrayal.. Would you and your DH think about counselling?

This made me cry. Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine the pain you've gone through.

There was me thinking my family are some kind of weird outliers but actually sounds like they've taken a leaf out of the classic playbook.

So disturbing to hear of supposedly ordinary rationale people behaving like that.

The things we've been told are quite mad - that our children were "safe" because the girls he abused were older (10 year olds) so ours aren't his "type". That he wouldn't have abused a child in a nappy so our youngest was "safe". That the reason they didn't tell us was because they thought he'd get off so they'd never have to tell us. That there were other women who came forward but their cases didn't make it to court so this is categorical proof that women are liars.

Thank you 👍 you're right this is good advice. Don't know why I'm giving this oxygen I'm just emotional today so it's hard to take.

I've had some counselling. DH currently v reluctant but trying to encourage him gently.

I really feel for you OP, of course it's not normal to discover you have a paedophilic relative . I think you have been unlucky with some of the posters on here making it sound as though it is normal..I really feel for you.

It’s not a disagreement. It’s a fact as sure as the earth goes round the moon that free will does not exist.

i am genuinely sorry that this brings anyone any discomfort. It’s also not an excuse in any way for bad behaviour.

Read this yesterday but didn’t get a minute to respond, I wanted to say I have definitely felt like this after a tough few years for different reasons but similarly stuff has happened to us that has left us a bit shocked but also at the end of the day we are all still here and ok so it feels like we should be grateful in a way.
However I’ve found it more helpful to acknowledge what we have been through rather than try to tell myself things aren’t that bad. The way your DH’s family have allowed your children to be in contact with someone who could be harmful to them is a huge breach of trust and the continuing uncertainty around it all must be a huge drain. I am wondering if you can access counselling to discuss this?
Otherwise what has helped me is taking as much agency back as possible - deciding to do things/ plan things/ take educational courses/ do some exercise and following through - whatever feels like taking some power back over your own life. And also (and it sounds trite) looking for the joy, for the amazing things in life and writing them down as well has made things feel happier for me.
I think with young children the day to day is overwhelming and it can leave no time for processing things, which makes it harder to move forward. I dont have a solution, but just be gentle with yourself in this time of life.