Is my sister ott or am being harsh

[Onthecarpet2002]

Our 80 year old dm is still in pretty good health for her age. She's got an alarm wrist band & takes her phone everywhere, even to the loo. She has very high anxiety & since she was widowed my sister has become so enmeshed in her life almost every spare second she has that it's suffocating.
I was speaking to our dm this evening on her landline. Sister is ringing her on her mobile at the same time. Constantly over & over for a minute until dm said she'll have to answer it as sister will be panicking. Panicking that somethings happened just because she's not answered after it within 1 minute?
I think it's rude to cut someone short on a phone call to answer the other phone. Also, sister was being so ott in panicking because dm not answered immediately, so much so she was going to get a neighbour to go round & check on her.
Dm has an alarm so I think the good neighbour will soon get cross if they have to pop round every time sister is panicking at the phone not being answered within one minute. Am I being harsh?

Your dm is lucky to have two hands on dc keeping an eye on her. Everyone responds to situations in different ways and really there is nothing much you can do about how your dsis reacts. I wouldn't waste any energy on it. Teach your dm how to send a text saying call you later or whatever is on her phone so dsis knows she is fine. Its brilliant your dm is responsible about her alarm as lots of elderly are not so that's a plus.

You can't change your sister.

Your sister is going to destroy your mums confidence.

Talk to your sister all you want, but unless your mum is unhappy with the dynamic and speaks up this is going to end badly. You’ll just come across as interfering.

You sound more annoyed your DM hung up on you than anything else tbh.

Couldn’t your mum have texted?

I would speak to sister and explain that her behaviour is causing DM more anxiety. She’s ringing and calling for herself and her anxieties not your DMs. It sounds like you have lots of things in place for your DM which is great.

Why couldn’t your mum text her?

I have a serious illness and if my mum, or my partner or DS call and I don’t answer they get worried, and invariably will call back a few minutes later.

But that worry stems from the fact that the first time it happened when I didn’t answer it was because I was semi conscious on my kitchen floor and was carted off in an ambulance some minutes later and the next time they saw me I was on life support.

My health is stable now but that doesn’t stop them from worrying. So if they call and I can’t answer straight away I do tend to text that I’m busy with x or y and will then call them back later.

If your mum needs an alarm then clearly there is some justification for concern. So it’s just about finding that middle ground at this point, for everyone’s benefit.

Is it your sister that was widowed? If so, perhaps there is grief anxiety there which would be perfectly understandable. I'm sure your sister doesn't enjoy being this anxious either.

This is bad advice unless your sister really is causing your mum more anxiety.

it would have been better if she hadnt hung up on you but still answered the mobile

my dm's line was engaged for so long, i called her mobile and then i called BT

My nan was the same, even if you were in the middle of a phone call with her if her other phone rang she'd hang up and cut you off, because the person on the other line would panic.

That's not going to ruin her confidence, it's true. My nan was in worse health than your mum, but she was independent until the end. If she didn't answer when I called, I would text the family chat to ask if anyone else had spoken to her/was speaking to her because it's never nice, worrying about what could be happening. Even though she's in good health, your sister would probably think the worst case scenario.

I don't think it's anything to get het up about, she'll probably do the same to your sister if you ring her while they're speaking!

I disagree. Sister is causing problems for mum due to her anxiety. How is sisters constant panic and over the top reactions helping an already anxious elderly lady? I’d be talking to sister!

Talking to the sister is good advice. Lying to the sister bad advice.

It’s possible from reading this that the sister also has high anxiety. The best solution would be for her to speak to her GP about this if this is the case and she truly is panicking and it extends to her life in general (for example general anxiety disorder / panic disorder). She can get help for this.

Your mum should have picked up the phone, said I'll talk to you in a minute, I'm on the phone to your sister, and come back to you. Either that or you should have texted your sister to say I'm on the phone to mum.

Yes. Do this. Don't make a big family drama out of it. It's not worth falling out over. Lucky mum having 2 caring daughters.

It's really not a big deal. It's a funny quirk people have.

Yes, either you or your mum needed to text your sister, or she could have answered and then come back to you. How much do you and your sister speak, could you agree that before calling the neighbour you'll always check with each other so you don't end up crying wolf?

There's a lot of 'she's' in the OP so it isn't clear who has high anxiety and who has been widowed. If it's your Sister then I'd be asking if there's any help she needs to address it all. Your Sister can't just snap out of it. As said, teach your Mum to text and tell your sister that is what the plan is.

Why didn’t your mum answer her mobile to tell your sister she was on the ‘phone to you and would call her back? Anxiety is a horrible thing

Feeding anxiety can sustain anxiety or make anxiety worse. Giving your sister a call and figuring out a better way moving forward that doesn't mean your mum is panicking if she doesn't pick up the phone instantly is the best way forward for all of you.

Let it go and be grateful there are two of you to split the mental load.

@Ponoka7 it's our mum who is widowed, 4 years ago. Mum's neighbours are good & look out for her, but will get fed up with sister ringing in a hysterical panic if she doesn't answer the phone in 1 minute. Especially as she has a landline too & a wrist band alarm. She's pretty good for her age & not frail yet, so I think sister is being ott & needs to try to calm down. I have told her this & suggestions on here tonight, so I hope she takes it all on board.

We have installed a camera in our mum's sitting room after we lost dad. Its just to keep an eye on her. We too get concerned when she doesnt answer her phone but she is getting a little hard of hearing. When she doesn't answer, we log on to check she's OK and still pottering about. Shes usually pottering between the sitting room and kitchen. Perhaps you could do that. It's possible your sister has anxiety because there's no one to keep a physical eye on mum. Hope it all works out OK.