Is my sister ott or am being harsh

[Onthecarpet2002]

Our 80 year old dm is still in pretty good health for her age. She's got an alarm wrist band & takes her phone everywhere, even to the loo. She has very high anxiety & since she was widowed my sister has become so enmeshed in her life almost every spare second she has that it's suffocating.
I was speaking to our dm this evening on her landline. Sister is ringing her on her mobile at the same time. Constantly over & over for a minute until dm said she'll have to answer it as sister will be panicking. Panicking that somethings happened just because she's not answered after it within 1 minute?
I think it's rude to cut someone short on a phone call to answer the other phone. Also, sister was being so ott in panicking because dm not answered immediately, so much so she was going to get a neighbour to go round & check on her.
Dm has an alarm so I think the good neighbour will soon get cross if they have to pop round every time sister is panicking at the phone not being answered within one minute. Am I being harsh?

People who get anxious about a phone not being answered immediately are a huge pita. Why couldn't sister have thought "Mum could be on a call with someone else, or in the loo, or phone out of battery?"

Yanbu OP.

@LindorDoubleChoc my sentiments exactly. Not so much with an elderly person though. Sister speaks to her several times a day & knows how long it normally takes for her to answer, so she wasnt panicking for nothing, as mum takes mobile with her everywhere; but a few panicky phone calls to the neighbours over a couple of minutes delay in answering & they'll soon get fed up!

That would be perfect.

I mean if you have a friend/relative/neighbour who you know might have a fall and is generally right by the phone and they don't answer it, then I'd say it's normal to worry if they don't.

My gran fell in the hallway, not particularly unsteady on her feet at that point so unexpected, and was found exactly because someone did worry because she didn't answer the phone when they expected her to. If they hadn't raised the neighbours to go and check on her then she'd have been dead by the evening.

Same with my parent's neighbour. They didn't get a response on the doorbell, which was unusual. They flagged down a passing police car and explained their concern and the police decided it was serious enough to break in. He'd fallen down the stairs and broken his leg. He'd been there since the evening before, no heating and it was November. He nearly died from hypothermia.

Not answering has two consequences. Firstly, it leaves the other person worrying unnecessarily. But also in both those cases the alarm was raised because it was unusual not to answer.
So if your dm doesn't answer because she's talking to you this time, maybe your sister won't raise the alarm next month when she doesn't answer because she's fainted and cracker her head open on the toilet (or whatever) and does need help.

And how would you feel if your mum didn't answer cause she'd fallen down the stairs etc?
I'm 43 in good health but fell down the stairs and knocked myself unconscious. My Grandma's neighbour died recently from a fall where she hit her head she's much younger than me and was found by her 11 & 8 year olds.
Just because she's in good health it doesn't mean things can't happen.

Because she usually answers the phone straight away; so it wasn't worry for nothing it was worry because she took longer than normal to answer.

After finding my DF passed away on the floor on his house after no one hearing from him within a few days I’d say she’s not really over reacting. I’d seen my DF in good health only a couple of days earlier and he had form for not answering the phone for ages due to hearing issues and distance from the phone. He did sometimes answer and say he was watching something and would call back (no telly that pauses). We did used to let it ring for a good 5 minutes or so and even then it didn’t ring alarm bells for us. He didn’t have a mobile. We were looking into getting something to track him with or an alarm just due to his age and that he was often out and about a lot.

I’d planned to catch up with him after a few days but his friend had tried calling and got no answer. As this wasn’t unusual she tried again the next day and still got no answer so she called us. Unfortunately when I got to his house it was clear he had been lying there for a couple of days. Coroner couldn’t tell us exactly when but did say it would have been sudden.

My DM on the other hand is in poorer health and has fallen and ended up in hospital many times for various reasons. She’s very independent though and does drive and gets out with friends but if I call her landline and get no answer I check her location using find my phone. If she’s out and about then I just call later but if she was on the house and not answering then I’d be round checking she was ok. She does sometimes FaceTime other people so might not always be available but she does usually give me a quick answer saying she will call me back as she’s on the other phone. No one gets offended and we would rather she was ok. She’s terrible at answering her mobile though, often in her handbag until she remembers to charge it. Never on loud enough to hear. She did fall once outside and lay there til someone passed by to help. She also fell in the house one day and took a while to get herself up and did wonder if she would have been stuck. Luckily she wasn’t on that occasion. I’ve tried getting her to keep her phone on her but she doesn’t.

Did your mother agree to this?

@Onthecarpet2002 Tell your dsis to phone the landline when there is no answer on the mobile.
If she gets an engaged tone she can call back later.

@2catsandhappy I've since found out she did call the landline but instead of being engaged it said your call cannot be taken. I wasn't aware her house phone did this, I've got to see if that can be changed.
We've sorted out our differences over it now, but thank you x

Forgot to add to my post above. Engaged tone was what stopped us checking on my dad sooner. I rang him and it was engaged so assumed he was on the phone to someone. When we found him the phone was on the floor off the hook.

Yes. Why do you ask? Are you suspecting we would install secret cameras to spy on our mother? It would be difficult as the camera is the size of a tennis ball and located next to the TV so she can hardly miss it.

She's hard of hearing so doesn't always pick up her phone, hence why we discussed this method so we can log in to check on her as she's fallen over a few times. We all have jobs and some live a fair distance away so can't always just pop round immediately. At the beginning before we installed the camera, if one of us couldn't get through to her on the phone, we'd text/ring each other asking if anyone has heard or spoken with mum.

Thee are a lot of reasons someone might not answer the phone in one minute.

Your sister's behaviour is really invasive, and if I was the mum I'd tell her to cool it.

But the main thing here is, how does your mum feel? Because mainly it is her issue.

I would tell your sister she is being inappropriate with the neighbours and it will cause your mum problems.

Part of the issue here is clearly your sister's anxiety which is about control. One day your mother will die, and she feels that is she maintains control she won't have to confront that - which is of course not true. It's an unhealthy way to cope but she'll not likely understand that.

Exactly this. Simple solution

As my Mum aged she lost the ability to navigate smoothly between two simultaneous demands on her. So if I called her while the neighbour was visiting she would sound so panicky and say' I'm sorry Jan's here I can't talk' in tones of real emergency. And the next day she would say she didn't know what to do it was so dreadful with someone at the door and the phone ringing.
I absolutely understand why your Mum couldn't easily text your sister.
However your sister's anxiety is going to wear you all down if she doesn't get some support for it.