Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being a moody female isn’t the worst thing to be

39 replies

Grumpyoddcow · 08/10/2024 20:43

And does it really make me unlovable?

I’ve never killed anyone/ cheated or abused a child. I think I’m very self aware and very self critical but in every relationship I’ve ever had my ‘partner’ has said I’m moody and hormonal and like a Jekyll and Hyde.

Ive tried the pill, anger management therapy, stopped drinking etc. Later it was affected by IVF, pregnancy, breastfeeding then tiredness etc. Then I resented husband for having a life and me doing everything with no acknowledgment. Oh and now I’m premenopausal ;)

Surely at this stage I just have to accept I’m a grumpy old cow and am unlikely to change and that if a partner can’t accept it he should leave rather than keep expecting a change that can’t happen.

If I was a man I would be allowed to be an argumentative, moody, self centred person and would be respected for it. Why is it a character flaw in a woman?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/10/2024 20:45

Because PMDD is massively not researched and women's health not cared about.

Allfur · 08/10/2024 20:47

Those characteristics aren't great in a man either

MoveToParis · 08/10/2024 20:47

If I was a man I would be allowed to be an argumentative, moody, self centred person and would be respected for it.

Well I divorced someone for it, and those around me were relieved for me. So respected? Not a chance.

I think the description above is the precursor to many divorces, actually. No one wants to walk on eggshells. I certainly never will again.

It doesn’t make you unlovable at all, but it erodes the love that develops.

Mamabobogo · 08/10/2024 20:49

Allfur · 08/10/2024 20:47

Those characteristics aren't great in a man either

True

Catza · 08/10/2024 21:13

I wouldn't want to be with a person like that regardless of their gender. And I don't buy this whole "I am what I am, accept me or leave" crap. Humans are sentient beings who are capable of change. If you don't want to change, come out and say it.
My mum used to say it to family for decades. She finally took some responsibility for her behaviour in her 60s and I am very proud of her for doing it.

Mydogisaknob · 08/10/2024 21:15

'If I was a man I would be allowed to be an argumentative, moody, self centred person and would be respected for it.'

No I'd think you were a dickhead

Newterm · 08/10/2024 21:16

I’d not be friends with someone who was moody, I certainly wouldn’t be in a relationship with one.

Surprisedcupcake · 08/10/2024 21:19

Being tired/hungry turns me into an absolute witch! Hangry comes on really fast but I can go on being tired for a while before I turn evil. Maybe you just need a bit more sleep and time dedicated to yourself? It's very hard to be the best version of yourself when you're run down for a prolonged period of time.

PaperGloves · 08/10/2024 21:22

You’ve said your partners have said you were ‘hormonal’ — but do/did you notice fluctuations in moods which corresponded to your menstrual cycle?

Bohomovies · 08/10/2024 21:24

Not nice characteristics in men OR women. If someone is hurting other people through their behaviour then it is not acceptable really.

TrishM80 · 08/10/2024 21:26

Grumpyoddcow · 08/10/2024 20:43

And does it really make me unlovable?

I’ve never killed anyone/ cheated or abused a child. I think I’m very self aware and very self critical but in every relationship I’ve ever had my ‘partner’ has said I’m moody and hormonal and like a Jekyll and Hyde.

Ive tried the pill, anger management therapy, stopped drinking etc. Later it was affected by IVF, pregnancy, breastfeeding then tiredness etc. Then I resented husband for having a life and me doing everything with no acknowledgment. Oh and now I’m premenopausal ;)

Surely at this stage I just have to accept I’m a grumpy old cow and am unlikely to change and that if a partner can’t accept it he should leave rather than keep expecting a change that can’t happen.

If I was a man I would be allowed to be an argumentative, moody, self centred person and would be respected for it. Why is it a character flaw in a woman?

Did you put all that on your OLD profile?

ScrewYouUniverse · 08/10/2024 21:27

Would you want to date you?

DojaPhat · 08/10/2024 21:29

I can't say I have the answer but the way to square this is not to wistfully wonder how good men like this have it because they don't. Men who are like this with everyone aren't generally liked or respected by anyone. The key here is their ability to turn it on and off almost at whim - if you aren't able to do that then you're not comparing like for like.

Original poster
Grumpyoddcow · 08/10/2024 21:42

That’s the thing I don’t think i am that bad (and I’m truly very self critical). I over analyse if I’ve been (accidentally) rude to a stranger for days. I avoid arguments with friends and colleagues and they would never call me moody. But somehow every man lve lived with has the same opinion but I genuinely believe im just normal.
Maybe I’ve picked over sensitive men or im deluded . It’s really hard to know which.

OP posts:
SophiaJ8 · 08/10/2024 21:44

I’ve never killed anyone/ cheated or abused a child.

Quite an odd choice of words.

MoveToParis · 08/10/2024 21:45

Grumpyoddcow · 08/10/2024 21:42

That’s the thing I don’t think i am that bad (and I’m truly very self critical). I over analyse if I’ve been (accidentally) rude to a stranger for days. I avoid arguments with friends and colleagues and they would never call me moody. But somehow every man lve lived with has the same opinion but I genuinely believe im just normal.
Maybe I’ve picked over sensitive men or im deluded . It’s really hard to know which.

Can you describe some of the situations which have happened that led to them saying that you are moody?

Sporadica · 08/10/2024 21:52

... in every relationship I’ve ever had my ‘partner’ has said I’m moody and hormonal and like a Jekyll and Hyde.

A non-woman informing a woman that her apparent "moods" are due to "hormones" typically rivals Moscow on May Day in the mid-'80s for sheer profusion of red flags. Exceptions might be if the non-woman is a medical expert and/or is very involved in charting the woman's hormonal fluctuations, for example if the two people are intentionally TTC/undergoing fertility treatments together.

Summerhillsquare · 08/10/2024 22:17

Yeah they were just negging you OP. What about YOUR view of yourself, your friends, colleagues? Are you a good neighbour, a team player, consistent, honest, stand up to bullies and get shit done?

Because I've had that said to me by exH, but I am all those good things in fact, and he wasn't confident enough to be with someone like that.

HorsePeopleAreStablePeople · 09/10/2024 00:41

Sporadica · 08/10/2024 21:52

... in every relationship I’ve ever had my ‘partner’ has said I’m moody and hormonal and like a Jekyll and Hyde.

A non-woman informing a woman that her apparent "moods" are due to "hormones" typically rivals Moscow on May Day in the mid-'80s for sheer profusion of red flags. Exceptions might be if the non-woman is a medical expert and/or is very involved in charting the woman's hormonal fluctuations, for example if the two people are intentionally TTC/undergoing fertility treatments together.

If one partner says it it's a red flag, if every partner she has ever had has said she's too moody to tolerate there's probably truth in it...

If every relationship you have has the same problem or ends the same way you have to look at the common denominator which is you.

HorsePeopleAreStablePeople · 09/10/2024 00:45

Summerhillsquare · 08/10/2024 22:17

Yeah they were just negging you OP. What about YOUR view of yourself, your friends, colleagues? Are you a good neighbour, a team player, consistent, honest, stand up to bullies and get shit done?

Because I've had that said to me by exH, but I am all those good things in fact, and he wasn't confident enough to be with someone like that.

Friends colleagues and neighbours opinions of her don't really count because they don't have to share a home with her, have healthy communication from her consistently to resolve issues or deal with her moods if she has them. Being stuck in a house with someone who snaps at you and is unpleasant makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells in your own home and no one will tolerate that long term, it destroys love.

If every partner she's ever had is saying the same thing, she's clearly difficult to live with. The fact that she enjoys being a moody woman and thinks partners should just tolerate her rather than trying to be more pleasant is quite telling. There's a difference between one person negging you and every partner telling you the same thing, at which point there's only one common denominator and it's you.

XChrome · 09/10/2024 02:52

Grumpyoddcow · 08/10/2024 21:42

That’s the thing I don’t think i am that bad (and I’m truly very self critical). I over analyse if I’ve been (accidentally) rude to a stranger for days. I avoid arguments with friends and colleagues and they would never call me moody. But somehow every man lve lived with has the same opinion but I genuinely believe im just normal.
Maybe I’ve picked over sensitive men or im deluded . It’s really hard to know which.

If your self assessment is accurate, you've just been involved with manipulative, gaslighting, sexist men. Don't let them define you. You have to remember that you're not dealing with honest brokers if what they are saying about you suffers so widely from a scrupulously honest self assessment. Many women have dealt with some man claiming we are "moody" or "dramatic" because we dare to expect them to treat us respectfully, considerately and as equals.

XChrome · 09/10/2024 02:58

HorsePeopleAreStablePeople · 09/10/2024 00:45

Friends colleagues and neighbours opinions of her don't really count because they don't have to share a home with her, have healthy communication from her consistently to resolve issues or deal with her moods if she has them. Being stuck in a house with someone who snaps at you and is unpleasant makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells in your own home and no one will tolerate that long term, it destroys love.

If every partner she's ever had is saying the same thing, she's clearly difficult to live with. The fact that she enjoys being a moody woman and thinks partners should just tolerate her rather than trying to be more pleasant is quite telling. There's a difference between one person negging you and every partner telling you the same thing, at which point there's only one common denominator and it's you.

Show quote history

Not quite. If you consistently are attracted to selfish, manipulative, entitled men then you will be consistently told you are moody if you express any negative feelings about the way they treat you. It's how men such as that get away with treating you like crap. They shift the blame on your "moodiness" and say you're "dramatic." The use of those particular words alone is often a dead giveaway.

dayslikethese1 · 09/10/2024 04:58

Re what you say about men, it's interesting "grumpy old man syndrome" certainly seems to exist and a lot of women seem to end up in the dynamic of chivying men along/taking them out of their bad mood. And they get worse with age, I've heard a few of my DM's single friends (in their 60s/70s) say they're not dating anymore for this reason. They don't want to deal with someone constantly grumping for the rest of their lives.

Edingril · 09/10/2024 05:49

XChrome · 09/10/2024 02:58

Not quite. If you consistently are attracted to selfish, manipulative, entitled men then you will be consistently told you are moody if you express any negative feelings about the way they treat you. It's how men such as that get away with treating you like crap. They shift the blame on your "moodiness" and say you're "dramatic." The use of those particular words alone is often a dead giveaway.

Show quote history

But how do you know it is not the op that means the men react that way, how do you know it is not the other way round?

Why is it assumed the women are perfect and the men are constantly to blame?

XChrome · 09/10/2024 05:59

Edingril · 09/10/2024 05:49

But how do you know it is not the op that means the men react that way, how do you know it is not the other way round?

Why is it assumed the women are perfect and the men are constantly to blame?

Show quote history

I don't know which it is. None of us do. However, if we are not to take the OP's word that she's done the self assessment and decided she's not that at all, where are we? What's the point of even giving advice, if we are not going to take her at her word?

Don't start the old "double standards" thing please. That's not it.