To think that being a moody female isn’t the worst thing to be

[Grumpyoddcow]

And does it really make me unlovable?

I’ve never killed anyone/ cheated or abused a child. I think I’m very self aware and very self critical but in every relationship I’ve ever had my ‘partner’ has said I’m moody and hormonal and like a Jekyll and Hyde.

Ive tried the pill, anger management therapy, stopped drinking etc. Later it was affected by IVF, pregnancy, breastfeeding then tiredness etc. Then I resented husband for having a life and me doing everything with no acknowledgment. Oh and now I’m premenopausal ;)

Surely at this stage I just have to accept I’m a grumpy old cow and am unlikely to change and that if a partner can’t accept it he should leave rather than keep expecting a change that can’t happen.

If I was a man I would be allowed to be an argumentative, moody, self centred person and would be respected for it. Why is it a character flaw in a woman?

This with bells on! Do you attract a certain type OP?

i am not nice at all when I am completely exhausted. Sometimes I need to say to my husband and kids that I can’t talk to them or deal with them. I then have to remove myself from being in their space either physically (by going to bed or the other room) or if we are travelling I need to actively disengage. I just don’t always have the capacity to hold it all together. I expect some grace and acceptance from them because I honestly can’t help it and I need space to hold it together.

if I stayed in their space and inflicted my crabby behaviour on them then that is completely not acceptable. It could be quite toxic and unfair and not at all ok.

it is unclear how much of your behaviour you own and hold yourself accountable for and how much you expect others to put up with.

Honestly, I think moody people are EXTREMELY complicated to live with, horrible even. It does NOT mean they are unlovable but it does mean they are hard to live with and often are completely unaware of how badly their mood can impact others.

And I say this a live-in Nanny who currently have to live with an extremely moody mother (who if she was to self analyze would say she is completely normal, not moody at all, and honestly is really good at not being moody around her friends which confirms she likely have a lot more control over her mood that she let on, as I am sure, you do.) I can guarantee you that her friends would not paint the same picture as the people living with her and I think the people living with her/we have the most accurate picture of who she is and what she is like to be around, objectively.

Honestly, co-living with her (let alone working with her) is like walking on continuous eggshells. You never know if you will get the person in a decent mood that will say “hello, please and thank you.” Or the one who blanks you (at best), or pick at you (at worst).

She is never verbally abusive but her constant negativity is draining, and honestly her massive mood shifts, mainly targeted at her husband (though no one is safe) makes her fall really not far from emotionally abusive when it comes to him. And I am not one to feel sorry for many men, but honestly this poor man. He can’t do no right and even when he tries to do right by her or the kid he just gets shot down right, left and center (it’s like she resents him for what is her life when really he isn’t responsible for that, and dare I say it, he is actually objectively more involved in family life than she is.) he gets the worst of her mood and often, truthfully her moods aren’t justified (it’s like she resents his existence at times and take it out on him relentlessly, sometimes it’s starting up fights over the tiniest thing and most often it’s entering the silent treatment where she carries a face like the storm for days on end, and stop speaking making everybody in the house feel like we have to exit a room if she is there as the tension and negative energy is so palpable it’s horrible.)

I am not her husband but if I was I would be emotionally destroyed. I am her nanny and most of the staff feels emotionally affected (and dare I say damaged) by the moods, shifts in attitude, shifts between appreciative and grateful to demanding and completely ungrateful and rude. It’s not nice, it’s not an healthy environment (many people have quit), and it’s really draining to co-live with.

Me & the rest of the staff have come to the conclusion that we would all be happier in our job if the dad was solo (he is the opposite of
mom, more the guy who sees the positive in everything and as a boss is top notch.) Which is sad because the mom isn’t a bad person, but being forced to live in an environment where you feel like you might enter a deadly storm every time you cross path with her if you catch her in the wrong mood is not cool and honestly it has impacted a lot my self-esteem, my own mood (though unlike mom I don’t pay it with anyone) and my living and working conditions. It’s not fair on others and I am sure she has no idea how much her mood affect others (some have serious anxiety being around her). And many of us are set to quit if mood doesn’t improve because it’s no way to live and no place to work, and seeing someone be continuously harassed (because that’s what it feels like at time with her husband) is also not pleasant.

So no you aren’t unlovable if you are anything like my boss BUT you would definitely be making yourself a favor if you worked on how you deal and cope with your moods because you can seriously impact other people mental health if you are forcing them to walk on eggshells, which probably you are if they all say this (and again the analysis my boss would make of her self would not be an accurate depiction of her behavior and how bad her moods are and get, so I am a little reserved about one’s ability to truly self-assess especially when it comes to moods and the impact on others which I think is something only others can judge really since they are on the receiving end.)

If I was a man I would be allowed to be an argumentative, moody, self centred person and would be respected for it

Absolutely not true.

Who wants to be in a relationship with someone you have to tread on eggshells around?

What a sexist OP.

Thing is nobody goes to anger management therapy if they genuinely believe there is not a problem with their behaviour. You say you don’t believe you’re moody but in your OP you list a lot of causes for your mood so I’m guessing there is some truth to it.

It is genuinely awful living with a moody person and yes, maybe your partner should leave rather than waiting for you to change.

IME people that claim to be self critical or self aware are the least critical and aware, you say you're self critical but then follow up that they have to accept you as you are 🙄

Her self assessment is that her mood has been consistently affected by hormonal events and she has been to anger management therapy. No one goes to anger management therapy if they believe they don't have a problem. She also says she can't be bothered to change so everyone will have to accept her moodiness. All of this suggests she knows it's there and is a problem she just can't be bothered to change it to be nicer to people.

Perhaps it was one of those horrible gas-lighting men who made her think she needed anger management? It can’t possibly be her fault…

Of course not, only men can be bad people!

She said she had tried anger management among other methods as the result of being told this by partners. Later she said she had done a self assessment and after that began to wonder if she was actually not what they were claiming she is. It's possible she's been manipulated into believing she is, as she put it, "a moody old cow" by partners. I really can't tell because the updates with more info have been few and far between.
I've definitely seen it happen where a manipulative partner is able to convince a person s/he is x, y or z in order to serve their agenda of control and dominance.
So I'm undecided.

The connection to hormonal events was IVF, pregnancy, breastfeeding and perimenopause, each of which are only in play at a certain point in one's life, so one couldn't reasonably say these were consistent over time.

Both are possible. With so little info, it's difficult to determine which it is, or if it's some combination of both. Maybe she's somewhat moody, but partners have overstated it because they wanted to be able to dismiss genuine, warranted criticism. This certainly does happen. Hell, it happened to me, only I didn't buy it. It turned out he was cheating and trying to deflect criticism about the cold, dismissive way he started to treat me and his frequent absences, so he was putting it on me being irrational and imagining things. It was classic gaslighting. OP, otoh, is less sure than I was, but that could be explained by lower self esteem and the fact that more than one partner has done it.
If she would tell us more about these partners it would be helpful.

But being gaslighted by every partner she has ever had is very unlikely.

It depends on how many there were. Two, three even four are quite likely, especially if she's subconsciously choosing a certain type of man. I would say when you get to five and up it's less likely.
There are an awful lot of manipulative people out there as well. See the work of Dr. George Simon on this. He asserts that the more emotionally dependent and low in confidence people are, the more likely they are to be attracted to manipulators, narcissistic ones in particular, because they seem so confident (it's actually arrogance) and self assured, which fills the emotional need for that. The dependent person can just rely on what they see as the confidence of the partner. The arrogant person would be extremely confident that his/her partner was the problem in the relationship even if it was not true.
A less confident, more dependent person who does not do the inner work they need to do in order to break those patterns would be attracted to this same type over and over. Being unsure of themselves, they would be easy to manipulate into believing they were everything the manipulator claimed.
That may be what's going on with the OP, as she does not seem entirely sure of who she is as a person. That's just a quick impression based on a few posts though. We need a lot more info to make a proper judgement.