To say this narrative that men don't get compliments is bs?

[amoreoamicizia]

I keep on reading about it, mainly on Reddit but also elsewhere, that poor, lonely men don't get compliments and women are showered with support and compliments. AIBU to say this is bs and plenty of women have neither support nor genuine compliments? Sure I get compliments from men but it is meaningless and even a threat or an irritation. It's when they are looking for sex, there's no other reason. And where's this mystery support network which they allude to? I just find their complaining a disingenuous way of deflecting from their privileged treatment in society.

I complement women all the time -colleagues new hair cut/lovely looking skin or lipstick-I never complement men because I’d worry they’d think it was a come on.
A guy in work has shaved his beard off and looks so much better but I’d never tell him I like his new look.

This feels mean because it's well documented that loneliness is more prevalent in males and that men do not share their feelings and seek support from friends like women do. When I have a hard time I notice people flock to help me whereas I don't see that happen for my husband. Also when I had my baby people couldn't do enough for me but it seemed like no one really gave a fuck about my husband who was also thrown in at the deep end and had his life turned upside down by our tiny human.

On the compliment front I get plenty of compliments from both men and women and a small percentage of the men would like to screw me I am certain the rest do not.

You seem both angry that you're not getting enough support and angry at men. Do you need someone to talk to?

Privileged treatment in society? With suicides much higher in men? Okay then.

I don't think men do get compliments often tbh.

When DV, rape, murder, the pay gap, maternity services..... etc get sorted out I'll have the headspace to think about telling the bloke down the road that he looks nice today.

Bloke here. No we don’t get compliments. Women don’t as (I don’t blame them) a lot of men would think that’s a come on. Mates don’t as, well, they just don’t. Partners tend not to as I guess they think we don’t need it.

when we get a compliment it’s so rare we actually tend to remember them

Men will get compliments from men when men no longer consider compliments a sexual come-on. Men will get compliments from women when men no longer consider compliments a sexual come-on. The problem originates with men, affects men, and is men's problem to sort out, if they want to.

You seem both angry that you're not getting enough support and angry at men. Do you need someone to talk to?

I'm neither, perhaps you're projecting? Do you need someone to talk to?

I see your point, the assumption that women all get compliments is false, though. I get compliments on my appearance and they are not genuine, they're meaningless.

I do think women are more likely to say to a friend that they like their hair, or outfit. Men don’t do that.

I also do a hobby and notice that the women doing it get told they’re good (and rightly, they are) by both men and women. The men doing the hobby don’t generally get told that.

you’re spot on, a lot may be false or otherwise motivated. A pp is also right that it’s down to men to stop making it about sex.

but the general premise that we very rarely get told we look good, or are doing a good job, or are a good parent , friend, colleague, is true

I give men compliments. I don't think I'm that unusual. However, I admit that I am lucky enough to work with and have friends who are the kind of men who can accept them at face values and not as come ons. That said I have occasionally complimented other men, although I usually do preface it with "I'm not coming onto you and I'm happily married ". However, I definitely compliment women more.

Anyway, men do get compliments — it's just that they don't always look like straightforward compliments, and they're more likely to get them on their achievements or their possessions than on their looks.

When they do good work, they might get good feedback or get tangible rewards.

When they get an attractive girlfriend, that can reflect well on them and other men might be impressed, and communicate that either directly or, more likely, indirectly through apparently negative teasing/"banter".

When they have nice possessions, other men will often comment approvingly, with the underlying compliment being on the owner's taste, wealth, persistence, or whatever other qualities it might take to own e.g. a pristine 1972 Triumph GT6.

I do pay men compliments but I make them in a slightly jokey way unless it's my DP. I didn't do it when I was younger unless they were a good friend for the very reason the Op states- I'd tell a woman something looked lovely on her but too many men thought it was a come on.

There are different facets of privilege. Yes men have male privilege, but with that comes toxic masculinity. A price of that is being expected to be strong and confident and not need any compliments or support.

Needing compliments and support are in our patriarchal society, traditionally seen as a weakness that are for poor fragile women.

Today we understand better the impacts of toxic masculinity and the impacts of denigrating the value of things like compliments and support once thought to be only needed by the ‘weaker sex’ but really needed by all of us.

Men are now learning to ask for support, to ask for positive feedback (compliments) after generations of us saying they need to open up more, and they don’t have to be strong, silent, confident 100% of the time to be a man.

They are just finding their voice.

Yes, exactly @LockForMultiball! Well said. I've not illustrated my point that well but you've hit on something. These compliments that I get, I say they're meaningless because they're all about looks and appearance. They function as a tool to reinforce the idea that a woman's appearance and attractiveness is the most important feature she has.

I think it is true to some extent. DH has a really good solid group of male friends, and they do give each other emotional support, tell each other when they’re proud of each other, compliment each other etc - and it was only when my brother went on DH’s stag weekend and was taken aback by it not being a weekend of guys trying to embarrass / injure / mock each other, that I reflected on it not being the norm for a lot of men.

There’s quite a lot of vitriol in your OP. Men aren’t the enemy. It can be simultaneously true that as a group within society they have a form of privilege but also at an individual level have disadvantages and struggles. Nobody is saying it’s somehow women’s problem to sort out, it’s definitely an issue that men themselves need to contend with - but recognition of it is that first step.

Are people really that reliant on outside affirmations to keep their fragile self esteem afloat? I think these men need proper MH support not compliments. They probably spend all day fishing for likes on FB and moaning on Reddit that no one complimented their new hose pipe. Sad fuckers.

Sadly men don’t emotionally support men in the way that women emotionally support women. It is a part of the valuation of “male” traits by men that really have feck all to do with human connection. It must be unbelievably lonely for them. I wish they would sort themselves out with these behaviours, it is very sad for them.

There’s quite a lot of vitriol in your OP.

Nope, there really isn't. I just say the truth as I have observed it. I am interpreting the two such assertions on this thread as attempts to tell me to be "nice" like a typical nice woman should be in society's view. It doesn't fit for me to make a negative observation, I should be nice.

It's funny though because the really good men I know have excellent groups of both male and female friends. The twats though don't - or they join up with other twats and just make each other twattier.

Sadly as a woman men are often the enemy. A woman is killed by a man every 3 days in the UK and in the year ending March 2022 there were 194,683 sexual offences by men against women. I know some really wonderful men but sadly they're far out weighed by the twats.

I'd never compliment a random man the way I would a woman because in my life I've been flashed twice, groped or touched inappropriately several times, asked by a random man to give him a BJ when I was walking down the street, had friends husbands flirt with me and been asked to wear shorter skirts by a colleague. And I really, really don't want men complimenting me either.

It’s not so much about being “nice” as acknowledging that it’s daft taking a mocking tone about “poor lonely men” as if it isn’t widely recognised that, for example, older men as a group have worse healthcare outcomes than older women, and that there’s a correlation between social isolation and loneliness and poorer health outcomes. There’s huge evidence to demonstrate the return on investment benefits of initiatives which bring men with mental health problems together for emotional support, and that many men who have taken part in these initiatives do attest that simply receiving support and affirmation from other men was key to their recovery, and often not something they’d ever experienced before.

You seem to be assuming that women should be giving men compliments on their looks - whether they want to or not - which isn’t what’s meant.

I disagree, I know men who remember as a shining piece of their history the time a woman at the bar told them they have lovely eyes. Because it happens so infrequently to them that it's something worth remembering. My husband still remembers the first compliment I gave him (18 years ago!) because it meant so much to him.

We live our lives and move through the world very differently to men, so what to me would be an annoyance (I hate being told I have lovely eyes, it's so trite), to them would be a big deal and something to hold onto. Men's interpersonal relationships aren't typically as supportive and emotionally centred as women's either, so they lose out on a lot of that too. Women feel more comfortable complimenting other women, like I'd happily approach another woman in a shop to tell her I love her sweater or haircut. I'd be wary to do so to a man, and men don't do that for eachother either.

And in terms of romantic relationships they're (typically) the chasers and we are the chased. Being showered with compliments during the wooing stage is seen as normal for a woman, whereas for men it doesn't always happen. I notice it in how my friends interact with men on dating apps - very rarely will they compliment the men, but they get an awful lot.

Whether you value compliments or not, or view them as a positive or negative doesn't really matter - the point is women get a lot of them and men don't. That's pretty measurably true.

A guy in a coffee shop sat next to me today and he smelt absolutely incredible... like unreal! If it was a female, I might have commented, asked what fragrance etc, but I just could not have done that with a guy. He was half my age, and it definitely would have been taken as a mad middle aged lady coming on to him. I don't believe men know that there can be appreciation without a motive (yes, sweeping generalisation!)

There's a saying that women compliment each other and don't mean it and men insult each other and don't mean it.

There's something in that in the sense that men don't compliment each other, they banter and take the piss.

I think it's the fact that men are so rarely complimented that when they are they're taken aback and must think there's another motive. It's catch 22.

I definitely think men have the shorter straw here. The support for me when our babies died [twins] was huge whereas i felt people asked my dh how I was , when he had lost his newborn sons too. He's always being strong for me so it's nice when people do ask me about him too. People always compliment how strong I am but not him