To say this narrative that men don't get compliments is bs?

[amoreoamicizia]

I keep on reading about it, mainly on Reddit but also elsewhere, that poor, lonely men don't get compliments and women are showered with support and compliments. AIBU to say this is bs and plenty of women have neither support nor genuine compliments? Sure I get compliments from men but it is meaningless and even a threat or an irritation. It's when they are looking for sex, there's no other reason. And where's this mystery support network which they allude to? I just find their complaining a disingenuous way of deflecting from their privileged treatment in society.

I compliment my husband all the time, I tell him he is beautiful because to me he is. Other than that I don't usually compliment men because they take it the wrong way and think you want them.

I'm not sure where all the compliments we are supposed to get come from, my husband compliments me but that's about it, other than the odd creepy guy who is interested in more and that's not a real compliment, it's a seedy way of trying to get what they want.

Must we pit ourselves against each other in this arena? No I don’t think men are given adequate emotional support in society.

There really is a lot of vitriol and you are fucking prickly!

You sound very angry with your follow on posts and are trotting out all the classic angry feminist lines about being nice and not being allowed to have opinion because it's not nice. Which is actually not what anyone has said.

You clearly have an issue around hating men.

Women get more compliments but the flip side is they get judged on their appearance much, much more and get negative treatment and harsh judgement based on how they look and other superficial things a lot more than men do. I’d happily trade in the occasional “ooh where did you get that handbag?” if I didn’t have to all the negative commentary too.

Nope, I'm very content in life thanks.

You're very short and snappy for someone who isn't angry. I was actually offering an ear or some support but nevermind. I'd rather not deal with someone so sharp.

Even among those men with some good friends, I wonder if there are some who don't really register the times when other men's banter and piss-taking is actually a compliment, wrapped in the socially-acceptable male-to-male communication packaging. Or they pick it up, but don't think of it as a compliment because of how it's presented.

Even at a most basic level, when your mates take the piss, they're also saying "We are close enough as mates that I can insult you, and you'll know that it doesn't mean I don't like you. I like you enough that I want to test and thereby confirm the positive nature of the relationship between us with this apparently insulting interaction, and I'm confident that you like me enough to take it in the right way." Decent blokes will tend to avoid teasing their friends about something they're truly upset about (though they might not realise how deep it cuts when they take the piss out of something like being bald or fat, and might not react well to a man who fails to hide how hurt he is by it).

Often the piss-taking is actively directed at positive things, achievements or possessions. Sometimes that does seem to be an attempt to bring someone down a peg or two, to make sure everyone feels equal, but often it seems to function as a backhanded type of compliment, a way of saying, "I have noticed your big new house with lots of bedrooms and tasteful decor and a dedicated bar/games room/gym, and am impressed by it. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you that directly, and if I did, I might look like a try-hard or a suck-up, but if I rib you about it you'll know that I've noticed it and consider it sufficiently impressive to tease you about".

IMO (British) male-male friend interaction is way more complex and nuanced than both men and women try to pretend it is. There's a story we tell ourselves that female friends have all these complex overtones and undertones and coded messages buried in everything they say to each other, while men are more simple, just having a laugh yeah? But there's a lot going on in those interactions, which can shade subtly from friendly and supportive to vicious and destructive, with just as much nuance and plausible deniability as the more stereotypically female type of interaction.

("British" because I can't speak for how male friends interact within other cultures; I'm not saying that non-British men necessarily aren't like this, but I don't know that they are, either, IYSWIM.)

I agree it isn’t up to women to start complimenting men. I see it more as they can learn alot from us and male friendships that include emotional support instead of roasting, would benefit them greatly. All we have to do is acknowledge this is a problem for men and not judge them for departing from the script of manhood given to them.

I do think, if men can do this, it will improve all their relationships with women and children too. But yes, it is up to them to change, it’s not up to us to change them.

Men say they "never get compliments" because compliments to them only matter if it's from women they want to bang. They are so delusional

yeah you sure seem so content,being triggered by facts

you definitely are projecting,I feel sorry for you. Need to talk? 🤣

Rubbish.

Being nice to men makes them think you want to shag them. There’s no way I’d compliment one in case he took that as a come on. The risk is too great, I’m too old for that shit.

I complimented a male friend recently and he stated laughing nervously and went red, and when I asked why he said ‘dunno…I just never get compliments’.

Which is such a shame. He’s a lovely good looking guy. And it made me think there’s really never a day when me and my female friends or colleagues don’t exchange compliments somehow - hair or shoes or nice lunch we made or whatever.

Bit guys don’t do that, and that is a bit sad really, when you think how even the smallest acknowledgment can lift your mood and your day.

Is this, like, all the men you’re referring to?

IMO (British) male-male friend interaction is way more complex and nuanced than both men and women try to pretend it is. There's a story we tell ourselves that female friends have all these complex overtones and undertones and coded messages buried in everything they say to each other, while men are more simple, just having a laugh yeah? But there's a lot going on in those interactions, which can shade subtly from friendly and supportive to vicious and destructive, with just as much nuance and plausible deniability as the more stereotypically female type of interaction.

This is very true. My best friends at school were a few nerdy guys (three of whom turned out to be gay) and I remember marvelling at how the performance of masculinity among teenage boys had even more unspoken rules than the supposedly impenetrable codes of teenage girls - and a key to that seemed to be that you could never, ever acknowledge there were rules. Teenage girls would tell you if you'd transgressed in some way but teenage boys were expected to just... know that a certain way of sitting was "cool", or a certain way of speaking.

As I grew older the rules and the points of judgment changed but the essential iron law that men don't talk about it remained. I feel like women accept that (idealised) femininity is something one can become, with the right make-up and clothes and exercise. Maybe this is why we compliment each other - we recognise the effort. But (idealised) masculinity is something you just are, and having to make an effort defeats the point.

The compliments thing is really interesting when you think about women's perennial complaint of being objectified. Because that's what compliments about our bodies, hair and clothes from other women are as well, just in a non-sexual way. Even to each other, women are there to be seen. By contrast it has constantly amazed me through my life that so many straight men seem unable to even conceive of themselves as objects, to be looked at and objectified. The exceptions of course are gay men, who are very familiar with that dynamic... and to a lesser extent straight gym bros. They were a niche demographic in my youth and it's interesting to see it becoming the default among younger men. I've also noticed younger men are much readier to compliment each other physically - on their gains or their aesthetic or whatever.