To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

[Fiftycents]

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

I never said it is every breastfeeding mother. Of course it isn’t.

It's not 'organising their lives' to not co-opt random other members of a different group into listening to an announcement and giving a round of applause. That none of the bf mums had even asked for, and may not even have wanted. That's nonsensical. It really was a very odd, awkward thing to do.

If someone had stood up and said 'it's so and so's birthday' or 'they've just run a marathon' and given them a round of applause/sang happy birthday would you have said that all the other women there had be 'co-opted into listening to an announcement' and been sneery about it? Or is your contempt and resentment about this just saved for things to do with breastfeeding?

If they’d just left their weekly running/training group half an hour ago, yes. Especially if certificates were also handed out.

Those things would all be weird at a baby group, yes. That's actually the point.

Your claim that not getting random onlookers to give them a round of applause amounts to organising their lives around it would be just as ridiculous also.

I still think that because breastfeeding is such an emotive topic in postpartum women it’s not the same as certificates for sports or running marathons. I would have thought a bf leader group leader would have the emotional intelligence and training to grasp that.

But they do, don’t they? Not certificates, of course, but gender reveals, pregnancy announcements, congratulation balloons, cards, and wishes left right and centre.

I went to adult education classes (nothing to do with pregnancy or children in any way) and we had a number of occasions where someone announced a pregnancy and we all congratulated them. On another occasion, someone brought their young baby along and we all clapped and congratulated them and cooed over the baby. Did it hurt me? Yes, it wrenched my gut - but did I think those women shouldn’t be there, shouldn’t take joy in their pregnancies and babies. No, I didnt

I suggest you have some counselling. As I said, it’s not your fault you couldn’t BF and you made every effort to do so. I doubt you could have done any more. Congratulate yourself for that - for your efforts and your persistence. But allow other women in a baby group to be proud of their achievements. Nobody made you clap. It was a polite thing to do. If it disturbed you this much, you need support. I mean that kindly. I had postnatal support after a birth trauma. It can really help.

I breastfed my daughter for 3 years, the first 6 months were extremely difficult, it probably only became easier around 12 months tbh.

I think this is definitely insensitive of the woman, she shouldn't have done it IMO

Op, it sounds like you and your daughter had a very difficult start and you have absolutely done your best for her. You need to find some way to forgive yourself for what you feel you haven't been able to do for her. It wasn't your fault. Formula feeding may not have been what you wanted, but making that choice to switch is a real act of love, going against your own desires to breastfeed, for the sake of your daughter and what she needed. That's what a great mum does. Please be kind to yourself. If I were your friend I would make you your own certificate for being such a freaking boss ❤️💪🏻

@Fiftycents not sure if you have heard of the Infant Feeding Alliance? They have some great articles that may help you work through your feelings around how you are feeding your baby. I'm sure some will have criticisms of them but you may find what they have to say helps.
https://www.infantfeedingalliance.org.uk/
Just to add, everything feels so intense during those early days with a newborn but how you are feeling will get better. Soon everyone will be moving on to weaning, then returning to work, then potty training...you will find there is judgement at every step of the way but as long as you know you have your child's best interests at heart you can rise above it. Enjoy your baby!

That, sadly, is true. It is one of the things only women can do. Discouraging it, making it seem too difficult, too inconvenient is another arm of misogyny.

Wouldn’t it be more reasonable for someone who went to the bother of producing certificates for members of a breastfeeding group to remember to present them during that group?

It seems a really odd thing to wait through the next half hour and present them at a completely different group. She was obiously looking for an audience for her presentation! When would the members of the BF group who didn’t go to both groups get their certificates? Probably even BF mums who only went to the second group would have thought it a little weird!

They were at a drop-in for mums. Would you have taken offence to someone including this in the session because they hadn't had time/had the certificates to do it earlier if it hadn't been breastfeeding? Of course you wouldn't. You take offence because you're angry about breastfeeding being publicly acknowledged or celebrated. At least be honest.

"It seems a really odd thing to wait through the next half hour and present them at a completely different group. She was obiously looking for an audience for her presentation!"

Other reasons why she might have left it until past the end of the breastfeeding session: because she'd forgotten or been busy with something else earlier. Because the printer had run out of paper. Because she'd left the certificates in the car. Who knows.

But you need to interpret this as this person being a bad actor. Because of course you do. If there's an opening for slagging off breastfeeding and/or those who advocate/support breastfeeding, jump straight in.

Yeah there could be 101 reasons why she forgot or was unable to present the certificates in the BF group, or intervening half hour, but this doesn’t make using the other group less odd.

I find it even more bizarre that you think my post is ‘slagging off’ breastfeeding (having done it myself for 18 months). I’m still allowed to be critical of this woman’s behaviour.

They were at a drop-in for mums. Would you have taken offence to someone including this in the session because they hadn't had time/had the certificates to do it earlier if it hadn't been breastfeeding?

Can you give an example of something that might have been?

This

We've all got issues we have struggled with. On the scale of things this is very minor. Maybe work on your resilience.

Why would an adult want a certificate - you get them as a child for learning to swim or getting your degree. What would you do with a breast feeding certificate - stick in a frame on the wall?

I don’t get why anyone is so hung up by how someone feeds their baby? Looking around you can’t tell who was breastfed v formula. Where’s my certificate for bottle feeding my DC’s!!

Not many other things are as emotive as breastfeeding, especially during those early months when new mums tend to be vulnerable anyway. Like some pp’s have said, I don’t think it’s comparable.

The only comparison I’ve seen that is similar is handing out certificates for those who had a natural birth and expecting those who had c-sections to clap them.

I don’t see why breastfeeding needs to be celebrated at a baby group. They are supposed to be inclusive.

I breastfed and I would have found this patronising and insensitive.

Well we don’t actually know that the adults did want a certificate, I don’t think they asked for them!

But also the person giving out the certificates doesn't know what struggles with bf the other mums may have had. I think it's very insensitive

I'm 100% pro breast feeding and see it as the best option for mother and baby but I would be annoyed about this OP. It is very insensitive. I can see the rationale for giving certificates as breastfeeding is really tough for a lot of women (in contrast to your statement about it being akin to celebrating women for vaginal birth versus c-section which is a one-off thing I think this is more about the slog of keeping going day after day). But giving them out whilst other women are sat there bottle feeding their babies is very off. Also what about any breastfeeding group women that might have left at the end of that group?!

So true. Formula doesn't make them sleep better. Its BS

Yep. My son was formula fed and would take a certificate for the world's worst sleeper. Actually, forget the certificate he needs a damn trophy. Niece is breastfed, sleeps like a dream. All down to their personality in my opinion.