To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

[Fiftycents]

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

YANBU this is insensitive. I BF my first and it was nice when the health visitor at weigh ins said well done I have to admit, but that was private, or in the BF group fine but not the general group. I tried with my second, 4 months of hour long feeds because we needed shields, she had laryngomalacia and couldn't breathe if latched correctly. I stopped doing that and exclusively expressed milk till 6 months. I introduced formula at 6 months so I could store enough milk for her to have one bottle a day till she was 1 and then I stopped pumping at 8 months when I had enough stored due to mental health decline. This little celebration would have internally broken me back then and I technically gave her BM till she was 6 months that wasn't what they were celebrating. I tried so hard!

I would consider messaging this women privately and saying could she not do that in the baby group due to the reasons you stated!

I think people who are prone to be pushy and over opinionated will act like that however they decide to feed to be honest.

I mix fed for about 4 months until he started bottle refusing, from then I just bf, so I got both sets of comments...

Some in the breastfeeding groups would pressure me to drop the formula feeds, getting really emotive and evangelical about it and it made me reluctant to go back to those classes.

But I also got awful comments about breastfeeding - feed in a corner, you're triggering the other mums, this is why your baby isn't sleeping, he needs more than you're giving him (he was growing absolutely fine, he just fed little and often at first, which is normal) You're being a martyr, you're stopping the dad from bonding, but also don't you know bf doesn't mean you'll have a stronger bond 🤷 Oh and my absolute favourite from my mil, but don't you just feel like a milking cow?? 🙄

To bring this back to the original point of the thread, I still wouldn't really have wanted a certificate and people to clap 🤣 And I'm sensitive about feeding around others because I know it's a really emotive topic. But yeah, saying bf mums don't get judged, don't get awful comments thrown at them and everyone is so supportive of breastfeeding over ff just isn't true at all.

Why do you think? Because the mental health and wellbeing of a new mum matters way more than breastfeeding!! It was obvious that trying to get him to bf would be nothing less than a battle which would be difficult for both of us and, quite frankly, very damaging.

Instead, he got a few ounces of expressed milk each day in the early weeks, we had a relaxing and easy time bottle feeding, and I got a good amount of sleep and was a very happy new mum after three years of infertility.

Why on earth would I think that struggling on with bf when very experienced midwives and HV and our GP encouraged me to bottle feed would be a good idea?

It would not have been. Like some women who do go for it, the first few weeks would have been hell. And now I can see the outcome of bottle feeding in my 24 year old son, knowing that he was actually no more susceptible to the usual nursery bugs than friends’ and relatives’ babies who were bf, and has entered adulthood fit and healthy, then the evidence before my eyes is that the advantages of breastfeeding are massively overstated.

I also lost weight quicker than my bf friends after birth - because I got plenty of sleep and was out walking every day for two hours with the pram because he was in a good bottle routine. I wasn’t stuck in the house cluster feeding. I was happy and healthy, as was baby.

If bf works, then great - it’s free and less effort than preparing bottles, and it’s what nature intended, after all. But if it’s difficult and mums are stressed, then pack it in and bottle feed. Express if you can, but above all, know that baby will be fine, and you will not feel that you’re not feeding properly when you have your baby in your arms and he’s looking at you all through the feed.

Because while breastfeeding is nutritionally beneficial it HAS to be in the context of someone's whole life and its not worth a mentally unwell mum etc

I agree with this. Part of the problem is the messaging, from both sides, is problematic. I don’t agree with ‘breast is best’ nor do I agree with the exceptionally twee ‘fed is best’ (feeding your baby is kind of the bare minimum you should be doing)

I think that, substance for substance, breastmilk
is better than formula milk. I don’t know by how much, or how much of a difference it makes in the long run but I do believe that to be true.
However, it doesn’t necessarily follow that breastfeeding is better than formula feeding. There are a myriad of reasons why. A baby fed with formula is better than a starving baby that can’t get any BM for example.

For me, breast was best. And yes, it was bloody hard in the beginning. But my circumstances matched it and once we did establish it, it was one of my favourite parts of being a mother. This is not necessarily the case for everyone.

No way to put that in a punchy three word slogan though is there?

Just to add, I support breastfeeding mums, I was one. It was a wonderful experience, I am sad that I didn't get the same for my second and it's still raw for me. But I support breastfeeding mothers, if someone told them to stop feeding in public I'd be the first stick up for them. I'd say well done you that's great if it was brought up in conversation. I'd make sure they were comfortable and happy when nursing. I'm super proud of my friends who've breastfed, but I wouldn't attend a breastfeeding group to clap for them and watch their certificate celebration and I wouldn't want that forced on me at my weekly baby group.

This particular scenario is insensitive of the group leader, this is a professional who should have just waited till the next BF group. Making everyone clap, honestly, wtf!

Telling someone they won’t be able to express much (which doesn’t even make sense and plenty of women are able to exclusively express) before they’ve even started isn’t helping someone’s mental health. Why would you kick someone when they are down and set them up to fail before they’ve even started. Talk about being pessimistic.

Im sorry but one child doesn’t make evidence. We know the benefits of breastfeeding/risks of not from population studies. It’s not that it’s only children’s health but women’s too. And saying things like you lost weight quickly are irrelevant because plenty of women who Bf also loose weight due to the Bf burning calories and plenty of them are out walking and not in the house all day 🙈 your experience doesn’t dictate everyone else’s. Not everyone finds it hell for a few weeks.

We should be supporting women not telling them not to bother if it’s their choice.

That is still Bf for 6 months! That’s an amazing achievement - and would certainly deserve one of those certificates! :) not that you need one.

Pumping is super hard!

I rarely comment on bf threads any more as they get divisive but I have to say as a mum with a physical limitation (igt) who tried moving heaven and earth to bf I would have been gutted to see those certs. So I'm.with you OP. I still think bf is optimal and would encourage everyone to give it a good go. But in the newborn haze that applause would have hurt.

The certificates sound a bit cringe and I'd be embarrassed if someone gave me one. She definitely should have saved them for the breastfeeding group it was not the right setting. It's hard because it is something to celebrate, a couple of mine had such a rough start to feeding and it did feel like an accomplishment to celebrate but there's a time and place. I met Mums in NICU working just as hard as I was on feeding, and I was just one of the lucky ones that it worked out but they tried just as hard.
I get that it feels a bit sensitive but with some of my children older now, you really can't tell who was or wasn't breastfed, you did your best and your baby is fed and loved and that's more than enough.

This was us too, I would have found it very upsetting.
No-one considers the mums whose babies are unable to breast feed.

A lot of bf mothers lose weight. I was one of them

I also got plenty of sleep. Cluster feeding is only a short amount of time and it was great just to snuggle and sit in front of the telly

Well that sounds like a reasonable piece of evidence.

Sshhhh, you’re not supposed to talk about Bf in a positive way. Please downplay it for the benefits of others

I got no sleep for months 😂, but I did drop the weight quickly. Especially with DC2 who basically sucked every calorie she could out of me.

Most people aren’t bothered about results or research on a global level, only how well their own DC’s are doing.

Are they not? Do you speak for all people? Anecdata isn't data and the evidence is overwhelming, but you use whatever you can come up with to justify your poor decisions.

What to you call supporting? Telling them to keep trying when it’s clearly not working?

With regard to expressing , I know no one who managed to express long term when not bf. As far as I understand it is just very difficult to manage - and it took me long enough to get 4 ounces!

What poor decisions have I made?

That’s great if it works for you. SIL did this and was very happy.

The issue is when bf doesn’t work. You end up with ill babies and very stressed mothers, faced with huge pressure to bf. Or you do what works fine - you bottle feed.

It would have been more thoughtful of the class leader to hand certificates out in the group. Having said that, breastfeeding is an achievement and there is no reason it shouldn’t be celebrated. I can see why it would upset you, but if upset is not the intention and having two mins for a certificate and applause really isn’t worth more thought than that.

My son loves his sleep. I got lucky with him 😅

That is one of the most cringeworthy things I have heard. It is so patronising. My SIL would love it though!

I agree with you OP, they should have handed them out at the breast feeding group.

No that’s not supporting. But telling them not to expect it to work before they’ve even started isn’t either.

Ive met tons of women who have expressed for months or longer. You can see some who have posted about it on this thread. There are even exclusive pumping groups on Facebook. It’s very common in the USA too due to their rubbish maternity policies. It’s about frequency rather than amounts. I wouldn’t expect a mum to be able to just express 4oz easily! Around 1-2oz is more of an average and you tend to pump in a routine.

@fashionqueen0123 thank you, you actually made me tear up xx

Aw. What you did was fantastic. Pumping is a form of breastfeeding and still giving your baby breastmilk under what sounded like extremely challenging circumstances too. I’d be really proud of it if I was you! X