To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

[Fiftycents]

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

Loads of people told me how well their babies slept when I was on my knees with sleep deprivation so I don’t think most people see it as a taboo?

Interestingly, there was a thread on here recently from someone with a barely sleeping baby about how awful it is to hear about everyone else's easy sleepers.

YANBU at all, it's rude and a bit cringe

I used it as an example because I was accused of lying at a baby group when I was asked how baby was sleeping.

It didn’t go down well at all.

I think it's possible to celebrate someone's success without having to rub other people's noses in it when they've maybe experienced linked trauma. Because a lot of women are unable to breastfeed due to traumatic births or babies being hospitalised initially etc. That all is absolutely valid and it's important that ALL posts partum women are treated sensitively and with respect.

I think it's very different when an organic 'celebration' happens eg amongst friends/peers recognising someone has worked hard at something. But it's different when it's a specialist provider who is working with mums in a professional capacity. Firstly she broke the confidentiality of the women she gave certificates to in a separate group - that was not professional. Secondly she better than anyone should have been aware that that action could have been highly triggering for others in the room and offered no support with that. That was not professional.

I’ve seen several threads about it.

This is insane. Am I musinderstanding or are you saying being happy and proud of feeding your child in a particular way is like being imprisoned and used as a breeders for powerful people? How on earth is it handmaid's tale vibes? Have you read it?

Also the certificates weren't handed out "to make" others feel bad, just for some reason a lot of people can't be happy for others if they have/do something they want to do and take it personally when it's nothing to do with them.
Sounds also like it was a one off, probably a slightly thoughtless moment but I highly doubt there was any ill intent here.

Ah well that’s not anything I ever encountered with my 3 (all shit sleepers incidentally!). There was loads of discussion at baby groups etc about how well other people’s babies were sleeping.

To be fair, it’s one of the very few times I went. I never bothered again after that.

Do people ever stop saying that though? Christ

The UK has one of the lowest rates of bf though... so while I understand sometimes it can sound like people are banging on about it - there clearly is need for it to be said. I was pressured massively towards formula from before I even gave birth. There's a lot of myths about bf that can stop women from continuing that are based in nutrition. So I do think it's something that should be able to be said as a neutral fact with no judgement attached and each mum left to make their own decision on what is the right choice for them and their family. Because while breastfeeding is nutritionally beneficial it HAS to be in the context of someone's whole life and its not worth a mentally unwell mum etc.

The fact that when it's said someone immediately will come along to say its been said too much is why the pp is saying it should be allowed to be said.

FF mums support BF mums of course
I don't think that's true... not all of them. look at all the comments on this thread alone!

I understand your feelings, I genuinely do. My birth didn't go to plan or to hope after a lot of prep and for a while I really struggled with that.
However, I never felt offended or slighted or put down when my friends spoke of their births that did and the prep they put into it. At the end of the day I knew our experiences had nothing to do with each other, and their positive experiences had nothing to do with or made my experience more or less negative, and I was more than happy to be happy for them.
I think we need to be responsible for our own reactions to other people's experiences when they aren't directly to do with us. If it was a weekly round of applause for then it would seem much more intentional and exclusionary to me but it really doesn't sound like it is that

Why should you get a round of applause for feeding your baby? Bizarre

OP, honestly please don't feel like this, formula is great for babies.

Incidentally my DD was FF and out of our solely BF NCT group was first to walk, first to talk, first to say sentences, first to count, first to start spelling out letters and phonics (she's 20 months so that's as far as she's got with her reading, but she can read basic things). She's also been very healthy so far.

Lots of the BF evidence is quite shaky. Read Emily Oster's book - did you know for example that the "breastfeeding boosts immunity" fact that the NHS states is based on studies from developing countries where they didn't have adequate sanitation for bottles. So the FF babies got sicker.

They're replicated the studies with sterilised bottles and formula, and they've found no immunity boosting for the BF babies. Ditto if you factor out the parents' intelligence, there's no link between how you feed your baby and their intelligence, or numerous other things you see quoted.

I'm not saying BF isn't great if you can do it - but it really means nothing if you can't.

Yes, in this example. But not in general, no. I breastfeed twin toddlers now. I had my own experience of breastfeeding trauma. I breastfed/feed happily in public. I've been criticised for it because you can see a bit more of me tandem feeding than breastfeeding a solo baby. And i tell these people to go fuck themselves if they even look at me wrong. But a postpartum mixed group of mothers with unknown baggage do not need to have people congratulated for breastfeeding around them, in their safe space. If I, frazzled, combination feeding my babies, barely making it out of the house, ended up having to clap breastfeeding mothers outside of the breastfeeding group, I'd have gone home and cried. And I speak as a breastfeeding mother who was eventually lucky enough to attend the greatest breastfeeding group that ever existed. (Which incidentally did not hand out certificates!)

No, obviously not. But there’s something about the way they relay the breastfeeding message and how they overlook the mums health (and sometimes the baby’s health) that doesn’t sit right. The treatment, care and support for new mums needs to be massively improved rather than guilt tripping women.

But given out in that group by mistake as they’d been forgotten earlier. These are mums that spend time together - and they can’t be happy for other mums’ achievements? I used to sit there while other mums talked about all kinds of things that my DC couldn’t do or didn’t have. Sometimes it made me feel a bit sad, sometimes a bit envious, but that was my problem not theirs, and I recognised it as such.

And no, FF mums don’t always support BF mums. All the nasty comments I received about BF were from FF mums. They made me feel very insecure as a young mum, and even threatened to affect my breastfeeding. It’s a good thing to BF. Breast is best. It’s ok to say that while understanding that some women aren’t able to breastfeed. If they’d spent the whole session doing some kind of mad cheerleading or 50 min compulsory videos about breastfeeding, you’d have a point. It was a few certificates given out to some mums in the group.

Mums will always feel guilt, worry and upset. Child 8 months and no teeth while friends child has 2 teeth at 6 months? 9 month old can swim while your 18 month old can’t? 5 month old can crawl while your 7 month old can’t? Let’s not talk about anything because it will upset someone!

If someone has tried and failed to BF, then it’s completely understandable that they’re over-sensitive in relation to this, but that doesn’t mean other mums have to not receive certificates/never mention BFing/never feed at the baby group!

I take issue with quoting an economist who has no scientific or medical training, who was unable to BF so is hardly objective, and monetised this by writing a book as a credible source on the health benefits of BF.

As has been pointed out multiple times in this thread, not wanting to be co-opted into impromptu rounds of applause that no bf mum even asked for is nothing like expecting mums not to bf at all, or talk about it.

Nobody in this thread has even got close to saying there shouldn't be breastfeeding at the baby group. OP even confirmed this for herself after the first couple of times this was claimed. It's a strange leap people are making.

This! FFS when will the madness of feeding a baby the way the mum chooses/has to ever stop? There is so much pressure put on mothers already without judgement on how people choose to feed their children.

I can guarantee children in 18 years time will be shoving McDonalds/Greggs/Pizza Hut down their throats or living on super noodles. Shock horror some may even eat takeaway. Give the full FF/BF a bloody break for goodness sake.

OP what that person did today was wrong and there is nothing to justify giving a stupid certificate out for managing to feed a child.

Yes I dont think she's always right but you can look into the studies on breastfeeding yourself if you're interested. The fact that the immunity claim isn't replicated when you use clean sterilised bottles is just shocking imo. Everyone I know quotes that breastfeeding boosts immunity - but the research doesn't show that

that doesn’t mean other mums have to not receive certificates/never mention BFing/never feed at the baby group!

The issue is specifically with the certificates and co-opted applause from one person. Why are you making this leap to never talking about BFing or never feeding - no one has said this.

As another poster said, conversations about BF and all baby things form organically and naturally in mum and baby groups anyway, that's to be expected.

Except it was my first I could have written this post. Tbh I just wouldn't have gone back to that group because it would no longer have felt safe.

It should have been done at the specific group. They have separated them and left a gap for a reason.