To want to be a SAHM

[frenchlavenderandlemon]

I know, not very feminist to admit to it but hear me out before you vote YABU (then by all means … )

DH has worked in his company for nearly twenty years, and he has a lot of benefits but it isn’t close by. The office is a good hour and a half away on a good run. Then he sometimes has to work away. This week he is in Northern Ireland (we’re in England.) Changing jobs isn’t simple or easy because he does have some flexibility which allows him to WFH two days a week when he’s not away and plus he isn’t trained for anything else and there’s absolutely no way he could get the equivalent salary elsewhere.

So as a result pretty much all the childcare and house stuff falls on me. I can’t honestly say I mind exactly but I find balancing it with my own work almost impossible. I’m a teacher and I work three days a week but I can feel all the other stuff I have to do on top of actually teaching piling up and it is so stressful.

I don’t think there’s an answer here as we do need my salary and I recognise the usual arguments re pensions and if DH left. It’s just so stressful at the moment and next year will only be worse in some ways!

I think it is feminist of you to say you WANT to be a SAHM. It only wouldn’t be feminist of you if you said all women should be SAHM. Feminism gives you the choice of a range of lifestyle options, if being a SAHM is what you want, it suits your family, your husband is on board and you won’t be putting yourself in a shit position eg pension, if your husband left you, then you should do it, you only get one life.

Financially it isn’t an option. I just wish that it wasn’t the case I effectively have two jobs.

Being a stay at home mum doesn't make you not a feminist. Women being able to choose whatever way they like to live their lives without limitations because of their gender is. Every woman should be encouraged and supported to live the life that they want to live and if you are in the fortunate position to be able to be a stay at home mum and that is your choice you should absolutely do that.

That’s a difficult situation, I’m sorry there’s no solution for you at the moment.

If you’re a teacher is it possible you could move to online tutoring for the subject(s) you teach/could teach?

Not sure if you're secondary or primary but I left teaching to be a SAHM of sorts after I had my daughter. There is no way I could juggle everything and I didn't want to miss any of my daughters milestones and as my husband is a teacher too both of our schedules were really inflexible (no work from home, early start times, no way of avoiding my daughter doing a 10 hour day). I tutor in the evenings now and although it's much less than my teaching salary when you take into account the savings we are making in nursery fees it's not bad. Plus I am much more relaxed as a person and happier, so it was the right choice for us. You're definitely not a bad feminist if you choose that route.

Rather than being a SAHM could you look at moving to a job with a better work/life balance? Maybe you could get some WFH time?

It’s so hard when it is inflexible. I’m so so lucky that neither of mine seem to get ill much as being unable to wfh or take a days leave can be so hard.

Either:

1. His job brings in an amazing income and will allow you help with e.g. cleaning to take some of the mental load off

or

2. His job doesn't bring in such an amazing income to be worth the commute/working away, and he needs to retrain.

Could you start doing some tutoring on the side and see if you can build this up into a more flexible job which will allow you to quit teaching? But make sure you pay into a pension elsewhere if you do.

How old are your DCs?

As its not an option financially you need to find a way to not feel so stressed /overwhelmed by juggling. Easier said than done!

I do understand your DH is at work for 2 more days than you, and travels but I think with him working from home 2 days a week there must be some give in his week to do some childcare or household tasks.

I know this isn't financially easy for everyone but there are options like paying for a cleaner, which is cheaper than losing a 3 day week teaching salary.

What helped me was a 3 hour fortnightly cleaner to do the difficult stuff (bathroom, kitchen, stairs, moving sofas etc)

I also found I needed to lower standards quite frankly. I worked 5 days but 4 hours per day (not teaching) to avoid child care once in school

The “unfeminist” aspect of your situation, if there is one, is that you seem to have automatically accepted that your role - both in your career and family life - is to fit around your husband. It’s no good prioritising him because he apparently can’t earn as much anywhere else (how hard has he looked or tried?) when this is making you stressed and miserable. The two of you need to negotiate a middle ground.

yeah, it is unfeminist of you - not wanting to be an SAHM, but to have assumed the stereotypically gendered role of Doing All The Stuff.

Can your DH drop to part time and you pick up an extra day?

I know, not very feminist to admit to it but hear me out before you vote YABU (then by all means … )

Feminism is about women having choice.

@pinkfleece

The problem with your post is we lie between the two extremes.

Amazing income - I would say it’s a lot, around £95,000. Some parts of MN would claim we lived in poverty, however! And while it is a good income it isn’t enough to maintain our current lifestyle without me working as well and things like moving to a different area, downsizing … they are big decisions (and probably won’t save all that much tbh.)

Outsourcing just doesn’t solve much in my experience, I used to think a cleaner was the answer until we started using a cleaner and I discovered it wasn’t! At the moment I couldn’t tutor, I’m not coping with what I already have truth be told.

@Seeline they are three and one. Difficult ages, delightful but hard.

@ComtesseDeSpair i think this is the problem, there isn’t a middle ground. There isn’t a mid point where DH could earn just a little bit less but he around a lot more. The only thing I could do which would help I think is to cut down further to two days a week but I can’t until next September and honestly that seems forever away although I know it isn’t really.

@Brefugee no. That wouldn’t make any financial sense at all and it would increase my workload hugely. Three days isn’t great, four days is just full time on part time pay.

You husband is entitled to unpaid parental leave as well.

If a cleaner hasn't helped with the cleaning, is your childcare arrangement working for you.

At 1 and 3, I assume they are in a full day in the days you work, so you are dropping off, picking up and then doing tea, bath bed whist very tired? It's a very full on age and will be tiring.

What's the situation on your non working days. Can they do a half day to give you a breathing space.

@Frowningprovidence they are fed at nursery but other than that yes.

Any sort of leave DH could take would be unpaid and we just can’t afford that at the moment. I can manage the children and the house fine, it’s my job on top of it that’s making everything so much harder. I’m whining, I know!

But yes (sorry) I have actually signed DS up to an extra day at preschool as DD sleeps for a couple of hours in the day and it gives me a chance to catch my breath a bit. But I still have to feed them then!

Do you need to lower your standards?, feeding 2 children shouldn't be that hard, sandwiches would suffice. Yes to putting dc in nursery for a while when you are at home. 1 and 3 are tricky ages but it will pass

I understand about DHs finances but do remember this. If you stop work you lose a whole income. If you drop down two 2 days you lose a 3rd of your income.

Up at 95k he is paying higher rate tax so the impact of him taking a bit of unpaid leave to let you re-calibrate is far less. Your teaching must have some bits where it's particularly manic. Let's say report week. He coukd book 1 week off then.

You have a very tough job that lots of people struggle to do without chikdren so I do sympathise there. Your chikdren are young, you just need a bit of support to get you through the next couple of years..

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be home it's just you said you can't afford it so let try make you not have a nervous breakdown.

well, then there is nothing you can do. most people have this situation. Imagine how stressful it is for lone parents.

Can you find a different, more flexible role?

What do you mean by “our lifestyle” - is there anything that isn’t really necessary there?

Or as pp have said, changing to a different sector of work?

I think cleaners do help you just need the right one. DH needs to pitch in with household stuff when he si there, and give you some clear childfree time to both get some rest and get on top of any undone paperwork.

I'm sorry it's so hard, but come on. There must be a way you can cut your expenses down so you don't need £95k plus a teacher's salary. Saying things wouldn't save you that much is a bit disingenuous, the vast majority of the UK live on much, much less. Even in London/SE.

Feminism is about choice. So choosing to be a SAHM would be a feminist decision. Likewise, choosing to be a working mum would also be a feminist decision.
If it’s financially viable and you’re both in agreement then it’s not all unreasonable. If it’s not financially viable or your DH is not in agreement, then yes it would be unreasonable. That’s all it boils down to really.

Unfortunately, even in this more modern and forward thinking world, the lions share of childcare, housework and cooking falls to the woman in most cases-so the majority of us technically have two jobs. You are lucky that you only work 3 days however, millions of women have to put up with a full time job and multiple children. It’s hard, it’s unfair, and I just don’t see it changing this millennia.