To want to be a SAHM

[frenchlavenderandlemon]

I know, not very feminist to admit to it but hear me out before you vote YABU (then by all means … )

DH has worked in his company for nearly twenty years, and he has a lot of benefits but it isn’t close by. The office is a good hour and a half away on a good run. Then he sometimes has to work away. This week he is in Northern Ireland (we’re in England.) Changing jobs isn’t simple or easy because he does have some flexibility which allows him to WFH two days a week when he’s not away and plus he isn’t trained for anything else and there’s absolutely no way he could get the equivalent salary elsewhere.

So as a result pretty much all the childcare and house stuff falls on me. I can’t honestly say I mind exactly but I find balancing it with my own work almost impossible. I’m a teacher and I work three days a week but I can feel all the other stuff I have to do on top of actually teaching piling up and it is so stressful.

I don’t think there’s an answer here as we do need my salary and I recognise the usual arguments re pensions and if DH left. It’s just so stressful at the moment and next year will only be worse in some ways!

Yanbu to want to do it. I was a SAHM for a little while with 2 DC under 5 and it was an absolute breeze I loved every minute of it. No stress, tidying and cleaning up more was a bit crap but it's only toys and tiny plates 🤣 going for coffees and soft play etc. It was bloody brilliant!

BUT I don't regret my decision to go back to work one bit. My friend who stayed a SAHM for longer really struggled to get a job and she's now quite vocal about how she's stuck and can't really progress where she is, whereas I got a FT job and worked up and, bit awkward so we don't talk about it, I retrained while working FT (so one extreme from lazing about to the other!) and got her dream job, although I didn't know it was at the time. Now I'm able to work PT.

Working is shit and knackering when you have kids but it's just the way it is if you want to keep your earning potential and future prospects.

Really think you should consider PT for the best of both worlds. Yes it's true the workload doesn't become PT either but depending on what your job is surely you just spread it out? Manage time better etc?

Gah I need to not skim read! Just seen you work PT.

Agree with a pp you might just need to lower your standards a bit! Houses are never fully clean when you have kids 🤣

It’s a tough one isn’t it? Problem with these threads is sometimes people do focus on the minutiae of details rather than the overall picture so it becomes - get a cleaner, make sandwiches, lower your standards … but it doesn’t stop the endless grind.

Are you able to move closer to your DHs work so he isn't commuting 3/4 hours every day? Could you find more flexible work? Maybe a WFH role?

Yes the daily grind is shit and it's nice to have a moan sometimes or wish it were different.

I googled how to deal with the daily grind. Apparently we should reframe it. So being tired isn't the same as productive, we need to make sure what we do is beneficial to our goal?

Rely on our team, plan, remember our why and reward ourselves.

For some reason reward made me think of a chocolate buttons every time I did something useful.

Thanks; I like to think I mostly do. I know one of the problems is I’m just not enjoying teaching at the moment and it is hard to feel enthused about anything as a result!

It’s a tough one isn’t it? Problem with these threads is sometimes people do focus on the minutiae of details rather than the overall picture so it becomes - get a cleaner, make sandwiches, lower your standards … but it doesn’t stop the endless grind

But wanting to maximise income and have a better standard of living does involve endless grind when you have 2 toddlers. We can't have it both ways! Of course you or any family can live on £95K, you would just rather not. My family's combined income is probably the same as yours. I work 30 hours/ week and do most child and home related tasks. I could drop work right down and have an easier life - but I'd rather have the income and the financial security and pension and the holidays and the kids activities and the dinners out, so I suck it up ... I would of course much prefer not to be running round ragged, but I/ we need to make our choices and deal with them. Unfortunately I don't think there is a solution that offers you everything on a plate!
There are plenty of flexible options for teachers with online tutoring now. We pay £40/ hour for tutoring.

And for what its worth, batch cooking is the one thing that takes the edge of the Monday-Thursday stretch for me.

I get that @stardustbiscuits but it’s not always easy to make big changes once things are a certain way. And the grind does fall on me: I recognise that’s how it is but it’s tough!

How much would your income really drop if you gave up work but stopped paying childcare?
Any other costs that would stop if you gave up work - commute etc?
How much would your lifestyle have to change, and is that really unacceptable?

Could you downsize ? Ie: if you are in a detached 4 bedroom could u move to a 3 bedroom
could you move to a cheaper area or closer to your husbands work ?
do u run two cars / pay finance etc
Could u go down to 1 car ?
How many holidays do you go a year etc ?
All of these things could save massively

Do it, you only live once. And tbh the amount of high stress lives we live, no wonder we get sick.

OP I really do sympathise with you. I'm a secondary school teacher and ended up being a SAHM whilst my eldest 2 were very young. We had to compromise massively on lifestyle but it was temporary. I then worked full time from when they were 3 and 4 but have honestly found it exhausting. Fast forward to pregnancy with #3 and it was just too much. On mat leave now and have asked to return part time but also uncertain about whether I will remain in teaching long term. My husband also has a very long commute so I know how it feels to be the one holding the fort at home. Worried that part time may not actually reduce the stress and workload by that much- just my salary.

That is definitely one of the problems I’m having @Hagr1d - my workload is awful as my only classes are year 10 and 11, mostly year 11! The pressure is awful.

With your DH earning £95k you should be able to make being a SAHM work if that’s what you really want. You could even do a few hours tutoring so you have some income.

Im a single parent earning £30k working 3 days a week and obviously everything falls to me. I think you need to consider some of the suggestions people have made above to save time/make things easier if you’re working. With two incomes you should have some spare to outsource cleaning, pay for meal boxes and anything that’s going to make life simpler.

do what you want then.

Frankly? i worked full time (more than) with 2 small children and for sure we weren't always on top of everything all the time, but it didn't last that long and we're all fine.

So i have very little sympathy with "i work part-time but i can't keep up" stuff.

It seems to me that you want answers along the lines of "Do it" - so just do it.

How much money do you walk home with annually and how much do you pay out in childcare costs and any commuting to work costs annually? Work that out to see how much you are actually better or worse off financially?

Can you extend the term of your mortgage as a temporary measure and you can always reduce it back down later when you are back in work. As a teacher it is a fairly easy job to get back into.

I have not worked for 20 years, partly due to health so some days I have parented from the sofa with Dh on hand working from home before it even became a thing post covid. But I will tell you they were the absolute best years, I could keep on top of all the household stuff. Dh worked a job that you can't just swan out of at 6pm but he took that job knowing that I am the default parent for all things child related.

Try to find a way to make it work for your family if that is what you want to do. Take a cold hard look at finances, especially the nursery costs that you wouldn't have if you were a SAHM.

Feminism is having the ability to choose what you want for yourself and to not have that decision made for you by society or politics (either pressure or law).

I don’t think I’m exactly here looking for sympathy @Brefugee but er thanks 😂 I’m well aware compared to many I have a very good life and even after comparison life is good. But equally I am conscious that a lot falls on me and there isn’t much I can do about that. Many of the responses are assuming I can make a unilateral decision to a) significantly reduce our family income and b) make the financial changes needed solo.

Realistically, after our house has been on the market, sold, bought another one, moved closer to Dhs work, done this, done that … being realistic here DD will be closer to two than one and then only two more years before they are both at school. It doesn’t stop it being challenging right this minute.

Answers that say ‘I want people to say do it’ - hardly, because even if the vote here was unanimous and every single MNetter urged me to be a SAHM, currently I couldn’t. People want to do impractical and unrealistic things all the time; mostly as adults we recognise that isn’t responsible so don’t. A dream is no crime though!

whatever you say. I just said that's how it looks to me. Just do it.

if it doesn't work out you can start a new thread in a year or so about if you should look for a job. 😂

I would give my eye teeth to be a SAHM. I've worked since I left uni and I'm 46 now, the chance to spend a bit more time at home looking after the kids/house would be amazin. Imagine not running out of hours in the day to do everything?! Effectively I also have two jobs (I work full time as well as being a mum) and I'll be honest, I'm exhausted.

So - did you read my response to you? I clearly said I wasn’t going to be doing it because I can’t.

I really am not trying to be argumentative here, I’m just puzzled as to why you keep quite aggressively barking at me to ‘just do it’ followed by peals of laughter that I won’t be subsequently able to find a job, when I’ve clearly said I won’t be being a SAHM any time soon

Yanbu to want to be a sahp, what does your dh think?
I don’t think anyone should unilaterally decide to be a sahp, it’s a joint decision. If you’re both in favour, go through the household finances with a fine tooth comb. See if there are cut backs to be made that would make a period of time as a sahp possible.

I can sympathise with this although 44 but much the same!

I'm actually quite surprised by this as I would have thought they would want to avoid split classes for a y11 group. That's rubbish for you then, because the pressure will be just the same...

This is probably not want you want to hear but tbh, I found teaching harder as the kids got older...Once they got to about 5 or 6 they started doing more extra curricular which means doing things like sitting at the side of your son's football training session and marking exam papers.. Also school wrap around care doesn't open as early as nursery or as late as nursery either. So I was always the last to arrive at work (Cos I have to drop off at breakfast club) and one of the first to leave (trying to send them to after school club as little as possible because it's expensive) This meant I was then finishing off my working day one the kids are in bed.

My third pregnancy was the tipping point and just rendered me utterly exhausted and I developed pelvic girdle pain which was massively exacerbated by the job. I ended up not being able to walk properly without being in pain at around only 5 months pregnant and had to go off sick for a few weeks. Lo and behold a short break from work and I found myself fully recovered in that sense. Still convinced that the pressure and stress was what induced labour and made baby come a bit early. Would never go back full time now if possible.

No wealth like health.

Can you out source some of the tasks? Eg. Cleaner or an occasional babysitter so you have some time to catch up with things?

Could you relocate or downsize? What is keeping you in your current home if DH works remotely 40% of the time and has an hour commute when he does go in?

Could you swap to a substitute teacher? You could still teach, but wouldn't have to do so much on the planning, marking, reporting, parent-teacher night etc side of things.