Comment at work

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A colleague at work commented on my arse as we walked up the stairs and I'm reeling.

He said something along the lines of - "I can see your arse from here" and I felt embarrassed and violated.

He was very careful and did this when we were alone, away from the rest of the office.

Initially I was shocked and put it down to the fact he is senior and used to treat women this way but as the days went on I was angry and couldn't get it out of my head.

I decided to tell him firmly that such comments were not acceptable and he tried to deny it saying that they weren't meant to be taken like that and that he was sorry that it had upset me.

I have a lot of deadlines at work this week and it's been stressful to deal with. Am I being sensitive or unreasonable to feel stressed?

I mean, it sounds like you dealt with it great.

You put him in his place and he apologized, move on.

YANBU

I would report this. Doesn't matter whether you have evidence or not. Alone, it won't lead to any serious outcomes from him, but as part of an overall pattern of behaviour it needs to be noted formally. Absolutely unaccepted.

Ugh that’s gross, I would tell my manager if this happened to me and if someone on my team told me something like this I’d take it seriously.

Even the way he’s reacted doesn’t actually suggest he thinks he’s done anything wrong, I bet you’re not the first person he’s said this kind of thing to.

He didn’t apologise for saying it, saying he’s sorry if it upset the OP doesn’t suggest he thinks it’s wrong, only that he’s sorry she’s called him out on it.

That's how I felt. I told him no matter how you meant it. You don't comment on my arse. It is not acceptable.

Stupid and unnecessary comment which you dealt with well. I would also report it to HR in case there is a pattern of behaviour here.
Move on. You've proved yourself a strong woman

Awful comment but well done on how you dealt with it.

I've worked with men (only female in the team until few years ago) for years and have never had a comment like that. I know that any man in my place of work would be in trouble for making inappropriate comments like that. If he can't see he's done wrong (because hey "he's senior, it's something he's always done) he'll likely to do it again. Think of your (younger) colleagues - would they put up with it? Would they leave and say what a sexist place your company is?

I think you dealt with it well. Was he actually deliberately looking up your skirt? If so I would still report.

No idea.

Exactly, his response is pushing the issue on you, suggesting that the problem isn’t what he says, but the way you’ve taken it when he’s decided you ‘should’ see it as a joke.

He’s the one who is in the wrong here, how anyone can think making this kind of comment in the workplace is ok just shows his ignorance here.

You dealt with it really well - I know I would feel really embarrassed and flustered - but I think you should still report it. I can’t really see what context he thought it would be taken in.

He knew it was wrong as he knew what I was referring to as soon as I mentioned it. He was trying to get away with as much as possible. Pushing it to see how far he could push me. What a disgusting man.

You have dealt with this really well and sent him a clear message you won't tolerate it. Hopefully that is enough to mean he won't try it again. However, I would send a discreet note to HR to put it on his record too, just in case he takes any retaliatory steps.

Can you send a discrete message to HR or does it have to be a formal grievance?

You have dealt with this very well. I would probably send an email to HR about the incident, both what happened and also his response when challenged.

Even if you don’t want to make it a grievance at this stage, having it on file now in case he either treats you poorly in future as a result, or tries it on with someone less able to push back at this kind of behaviour, is probably wise. You will not be the only person he does this to.

Cross-posted. You don’t have to raise a formal grievance. You can simply email to say that while you feel that the situation is now closed, you do think it was sufficiently concerning that HR should be aware of what happened in case anyone else comes forward with a similar issue.

I know he has done this to a colleague also. Asked her about her sex life as a joke.

What kind of retaliation would he try? Would it be immediate?

Precisely, you have the measure of him here.

Totally up to you whether you report it. Obviously on the one had you should, it’s horrendous behaviour, he knows damn well it is, and unless someone stops him he’ll keep on going. On the other, he’s senior, he was careful to have no witnesses, and if he’s enough of an arsehole to do this then will he deny it and make you out to be the bad guy? Honestly we cannot tell you that, you need to decide what’s right for you. Personally, I would report it, I couldn’t let him get away with that.

I agree the guy was disgusting and you handled this really well, OP.

Could you contact HR about the incident without mentioning his name? Say that you are doing so to start a record in case of further incidents, in which case you will name him.

You mentioned that he was senior so if he has some power over your position at work and if he has been angered at your standing up for him and if he is vindictive then he might now hold a grudge against you and try to make your life difficult. Hopefully he won't and the matter is closed, but given he is more senior than you, you are more vulnerable in the situation. Logging the incident now allows you to build a strong defence against anything he might do or say about you and if necessary allows you in the future to bring a grievance that is well evidenced. But hopefully it won't come to that. It sounds more like he just tries to get away with what he think he can get away with.

He's not my boss but he is paid more than me. He's not in my team either. And is known for being a creep.

If he’s not in your team and has no line management responsibility, and if that’s unlikely to change, then you should be fine.

But people do not always handle rejection well, nor being called out on their bad behaviour, and sometimes let their fragile ego dictate their future treatment of a colleague who has had the guts to stand up for themselves. Some can even get quite vindictive and start trying to undermine you to minimise the risk in case you decide to speak up.

Of course that’s not legal, but it does happen and so I would always advise leaving a paper trail of sorts so that if it were to come to it, it doesn’t look like you’re making a spurious claim if you then need to rely on the earlier incident to explain later poor treatment.

He tried to undermine me the other day and commented that I had done something wrong in the email that I had written. I told him I'd deal with it later. I'm not scared of him and ignore his undermining comments.