To believe that the only person you can count on is yourself?

[WavesofIrritation]

I’ve always been told that we should rely on others, whether it’s friends, family, or even colleagues. But in my experience, people often let you down when you need them the most. Lately, I’ve started to think that the only person you can truly count on is yourself.

AIBU to feel this way, or do others agree? Have you found it better to depend mainly on yourself, or do you think having others to lean on is essential?

Its a mix
Family help, friends help, God helps through strangers, authorities help, benefits help

I think people who have a support network around them are very lucky but that isn't the same as relying on other people.

Of course the only person you can rely on is yourself. By the time you reach adulthood, you are the only person who is responsible for you.

And, tbh, I've got my own shit to deal with. I don't want other people leaning on me too. I'm happy to offer a listening ear on occasion but I don't want anyone relying on me.

Much as it saddens me to say, I have been let down by all key people in my life, along the years. I mean, seriously let down, so...yeah, don't depend on anyone else.

I think the only person you can rely on is yourself but you can be supported by others.

To a large degree yes but i have a couple of friends who i know i can count on 100% and i am also very lucky and grateful to have family the same.
They know i am the same to them.
Ultimately though i tend to be very independent and try not to rely on anyone.

I think we are lucky if we manage to find people we can depend on.

I'm 32, the one person I have always been able to depend on, always supported and helped me, has been someone I have known for 7 years. She is the bestest, kindest most supportive person I've ever known and I feel so lucky to have her.

It's hard finding people who you can rely on, I dont think it means their bad people if you cant ( most of the time, some people are just rotten and selfish) most people have their own stuff going on Though

My 7 year friend has had my children when I've been in hospital, had them other nights when I've had stuff going on, visited me in hospital, helped me clean my house, been there for me when I was suicidal. But shes the only person whose ever been there like that for me. Oh God I'm nearly crying now, I'm very lucky to have her

It's understandable that you feel this way after experiencing disappointment when relying on others. While human connections and support systems can be valuable, it's true that people may not always meet our expectations, often due to their own limitations or circumstances. Developing self-reliance is crucial because it allows us to build inner strength and resilience. However, a balance is important — cultivating a healthy mix of self-reliance while allowing room for trust in others when possible can lead to deeper relationships and personal growth.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I agree. I can count on my DH pretty much all the time, and also my adult DC.

Who taught you that you ‘should’ rely on others? That seems frankly silly. Sort your own shit out, and seek support from others when and if you need it with that. It’s different with colleagues if their job role is supporting yours, obviously.

I find people are often great with support, but they have their own stuff to deal with, and, bluntly, it’s not (usually) their job to take responsibility for a fellow-adult. You don’t call the RNLI out to escort you every time you go for a sail, but they’re there if you get into difficulties.

Others can support you but I don’t think you can rely on others. People have their own issues and they can’t always be there for you 100%, so you need to be able to rely on yourself.

Absolutely.

As a general rule I would agree with you.
I never got support from my family growing up or as an adult and I've been let down badly by people - people who at times of grief and stress would come out with the line " if we can do anything to help just ask " but when you ask, even if it's a tiny thing , their reaction is " oh but not that". You learn not to ask for even the tiniest thing but you wish they hadn't come out with a platitude they didn't mean.

However occasionally there has been someone, an unexpected person, who has overwhelmed me by being so kind and supportive. And my adult son is unfailingly there if I really need support. I try not to ask anything of him and I try and recipricate, but it's wonderful to know there is at least one person in the world there for me if I really need him.

But yes, otherwise , I agree it's best not to expect anything of anyone.

I can't even rely on myself at times

I tell my adult kids that’s there are only two people they can rely on - themself and their mom.

As a social species, in a well functioning society people should be able to seek and receive support when they need it.

In the UK we have a very individualistic culture and support often isn't there for people who need it, e.g. when grieving.

Yep, I agree OP. Rely on yourself and no one else. Others do often let you down.

It's not about absolutes. People totally do let you down and no, you won't get everything you want from them all the time. But we are still stronger together, community is a hugely valuable thing. It's not like you can 100% rely on yourself anyway - we all fail at some things. Nobody is self sufficient because we live in an interconnected society.

I'm also thinking who says to rely on others? I've never heard it myself.
I've always heard to be resilient and proactive but to reach for support if you need it.

It’s mostly true, OP. You can hope for help, but you shouldn’t expect it. There’s too many takers in this world, and a lot people who say they are there for you bail when it comes to the crunch. It’s really important to have a good support network but it’s also useful to remember that ultimately, you are responsible for your own life and happiness and it’s up to you to make things happen. When you feel that if no one was there, you’d be okay, that’s when you become unstoppable.

Absolutely not.

I can 100% rely on support from my husband, my parents go the best of their ability now they are old, my two sisters and my brother and their partners.

We are all very close. We also have two cousins who we are very close to.

YANBU if that has been your experience.

I'm very fortunate to have a partner and 3 close friends that I know I can rely on 100% and they've shown me that over the 20 odd years that I've known them. They can rely on me too.

I have a shit family though and have been let down by them to the point that I no longer see them.

Absolutely.
Since childhood.
👍
The only way to be sure...

Yes. You can only truly depend on yourself.

i had a not particularly close friend at university who was going through a difficult time. I overheard her on the phone saying to her mum ‘ all my friends are crap, they are not helping me at all.’ I really remember it as I thought I was being nice and supportive but also, frankly she wasn’t that close a friend and I had my own crap going on that she would never know or ask about as she was quite self centred.

It makes me struggle with the idea of how much we should help and how much we can expect from others.

Ultimately yes I think this is true.

HOWEVER the only 100% exception to this for me is my mum.