Feeling poor when everyone you know is much better off

[Thepoorone]

I have name changed for this is this is slightly sensitive.

I think there have been studies that show that how we feel about our financial situation and our satisfaction with life is tied to how we feel relative to those around us. Obviously if you are really struggling with real poverty then you are not going to be happy, but if your basic needs are met then you are likely to be happy if your circumstances are the same as everyone else.

i am currently trying to come to terms with the fact that a lot of my anxiety and unhappiness is tied to how I see myself compared to those around me. And I know I need to overcome this but wondered if anyone can relate to this. Maybe I need to get some therapy!

Objectively I am not poor. I have a professional job that is well paying but my career was derailed by being a lone parent for many years, with little support. So at 50 I am where I should have been at 35 or earlier and I can’t catch up now. My parents are not wealthy - just ok - but everyone else in the family is very comfortable. My exH who is in the same profession as me has done extremely well (probably earns 15 times what I do) and his life, as is the life of many of my colleagues at work, is so different to mine.

I get you completely. I should theoretically have done much better in life than I have. But...I'm happily married with two fairly healthy kids. None of us have severe illnesses, and although there technically is a disability, it's fairly easily manageable. We're paying off a not massive mortgage. We can run two (albeit old) cars so we can both work and our wages are enough that we can keep a roof over our head, put on the heating, pay for groceries, pay for inevitable car bills. We don't have much left each month but we can manage. We are not in crisis. We don't need a food bank.

We can't save much. We rarely have a takeaway or meal out. Holidays are few andcfar between, and cheap UK breaks, but do happen sometimes. We have to say no to the kids if they want overpriced mags or treats from the shops. We have to think before we buy. It feels like we're much worse off than others, esp on Mumsnet, though. But in reality, we have what we need.

This was posted on a previous thread but I found it useful to keep a sensible head on where we fit in to the rest of society:

www.ons.gov.uk/visualisations/dvc1802/calculator/index.html

I know what you mean OP. It feels crass when so many people really struggle but we are in a weird situation where many of our friends are inheriting huge sums of money, paying off mortgages and cutting hours, upgrading to amazing houses going on big holidays. We are in mid thirties but lots of them seem to have millionaire grandparents and wealthy parents who are passing down money. I don’t begrudge them at all but DH and I despite having good jobs a nice home and 2 kids do feel envy sometimes creeping in. I have to remind myself how lucky we are and not compare but it’s hard when suddenly they are living these fabulous lives!

Lots of people do not have these things below

Job
Husband, partner, Children
Friends
Good health
Home
Time
Hobbies
Peace (versus war)
Food
Planning a future

You must have things to be grateful for surely ?

Switch on the news and you will feel very fortunate.

It’s not that accurate unless I have done it wrong. It doesn’t differentiate after top 10% and just gives you 0% and 0 is not marked on the graph.

I get what you are saying but it’s not that simple. Of course I am very fortunate on so many different levels. I understand that. But I am talking about the people I interact with on a daily basis.

If you measure your success and happiness by the amount of money you have, you will always be unhappy.
Where are people “supposed to be at 35”? And what happens to those who are not there? I gave up full time work at 32 and did two consecutive degrees. I have never been happier than between the ages of 32-37 when I had nothing to my name but was living my best student days. Was I supposed to feel sad because people are “supposed” to have lived it at 18? Shame, because it didn’t matter to me at all where I suppose to have been just where I was then and am today.
Some people in my circle have flats in central London and 6 bedroom houses in leafy middle class parts of the country. I am happy for them but I don’t want that life. I visited a friend a few months ago and she lives in a massive 4 storey property. I just thought, jeez, so much cleaning and how much does the heating cost… not for me.
You can’t stop living because someone else does/has something which costs a lot of money.

Have you tried doing a gratitude journal? I know it sounds really cheesy but it's supposed to help a lot with this kind of stuff.

Here's a super interesting video on this

I often feel the poorest off my friends or the least educated. Neither actually matters. I have a BSc and went on a group holiday and several of them were discussing their PHds and I got that sinking feeling and insecurity momentarily reared it's head. But actually I don't want one, never wanted one and have no use for one either

My friends all have lovely houses but married partners when they got unexpectedly pregnant in their early 20s and now the children have grown have realised they aren't happy any more. I was in a similar circumstance but decided to go it alone so never had the nice big house or nice holidays, and that pang of insecurity occasionally raises it's head but actually I'm secure on my own and own my small home outright. I wouldn't have to go through a messy divorce or find myself in my 40s. So the grass may always seem greener, but really it's not.

It's so easy to fall into the comparison trap. But someone in a group has to be the poorest and when you are in a group where you are one of the rich ones do you look down on the less well off ones? Hopefully not! I try and look at this sort of thing as being like a chancellor who is bitter about the fact they never got to be PM or a CEO who thinks they are a failure because it wasn't of a FTSE 100 company. Are these remotely sensible ways to assess one's success in life? There will always be someone who did better. Don't waste your emotional energy making yourself feel inferior because nothing will ever be enough.

But do you actually truly want what your friends have that you don't?

I'm mid-30s and two of my best friends - a couple in their late 30s - have just bought a huge house in a leafy part of Surrey. My small London flat could fit into their kitchen diner. But I don't feel a jot of envy because that's not the life/path that I have chosen for myself.

I agree with PP, practising gratitude could really help those who compare / feel envy.

I guess it's easy if you dont want all that, but actually I would love a bigger house/house with a garden/old cottage with lovely stone windows, and yes i would love to be able to afford to go on somewhat more luxurious holidays and not have to wash up on holiday and/or stay in very tourist locations etc.
I totally get where you are coming from OP.

I also hate the 'they've worked hard for their money' - I've worked bloody hard and made many sacrifices, and am in a highly qualified professional role - just not one that is compensated by large salaries like law/finance etc.

It's ok to admit to feeling some envy when you have friends who between inheritances and choosing particular fields of employment end up with the mega bucks.

I get exactly what you mean, but really you just have to step back from commercial desires. The more you have, often the more you want - even those people you are comparing yourself to. I don't think anyone is ever truly satisfied with what they have.

I know it's trite, and its horrible go feel at the bottom of the pile, but you really do need to try and be grateful for what you have.

Another take for you: you are 50 and your parents are alive. I assume that your child/ren also love you. These things are worth a lot more than extra money. Also you do have a professional job which is great.

A lot of shit that is for sale these days isn't necessary at all. It doesn't make people happy. Their houses are cluttered with useless stuff that's killing the planet. You do not know what goes on in other people's homes also - even nice seeming people can be very grumpy and controlling.

Try not to compare your financial situation to others. Morbidly and bluntly, if your parents own a home and die, you are in for an inheritance which would presumably help you a lot?

I think try to reframe things. What you see of other people IRL and on social media is often very different from what is going on. I know someone who is very rich (millionaire). Her DH won't let her even get a coffee. I guess that's how he got rich.

Oh and the same applies to your home. Big home=loads of cleaning and maintenance. Big garden=work. Posh car=expensive repairs.

@winetimenow yes, I think that’s part of it. I never aspired to be wealthy but I made life choices designed to achieve certain things - worked hard at school, chose a profession that wound give me good job opportunities, and I have worked just as hard as the people I compare myself to.

But of course I do appreciate that money does not bring happiness.

Comparison is the thief
of joy.
You have your health, a job, a roof over your head.
Look at the poor people in war and that will make you grateful.

i’m the same, i have a good salary but been a single parent for years and lived in the south east. I try and be thankful for what I do have, 3 healthy successful kids, a lot of friends and a good social life. I’m someone people come to for advice. Also what I have achieved has been as a result of my own hard work and no-one else’s. I try and remember that a person’s worth isnt tied up in what they own, and how much wealth they have, but who they are. If i died tomorrow i know my social media would be full of people saying i gave my time to help them, that i was a good friend, a great listener, loyal and someone who put other’s first. No-one would say she didn’t own her own home or earn over 100k. It can be hard to remember that sometimes.

I could have written your post op except I'm slightly older than you. My closest friends who I see most often are wealthy as in holiday homes and buying property for their children. My ex lives in the middle east now and is very wealthy too. I am a professional middle income earner who has had 2 children to raise alone for the past 11 years. With the cost of living things are definitely getting harder, my adult children are at Uni/struggling to launch and I get no help from my ex with this.
I try really hard to focus on what I do have, which is more than others I know, some days I do better than others. I wish I had the answer for you but you are not alone.

Just to add in the past year Ive had 2 friends (well people who were friends when our children were young) who have had 1 of their children die by suicide, both of these children were friends of my children. This has brought some of the practising gratitude in to sharp focus, but I still have my moments.

Do you think it’s more that your exh has more or is it a general thing?

Can’t you apply for a new role now your kids are older?

That time you had with your DC is priceless, you are bestowed with wealth! Xx

Actually it is simple. You choose to feel sorry for yourself because you equate “success” with social status and how much your house is worth. Have you travelled much in your life? Have you met people outside “the people you interact with on a daily basis”?