Feeling poor when everyone you know is much better off

[Thepoorone]

I have name changed for this is this is slightly sensitive.

I think there have been studies that show that how we feel about our financial situation and our satisfaction with life is tied to how we feel relative to those around us. Obviously if you are really struggling with real poverty then you are not going to be happy, but if your basic needs are met then you are likely to be happy if your circumstances are the same as everyone else.

i am currently trying to come to terms with the fact that a lot of my anxiety and unhappiness is tied to how I see myself compared to those around me. And I know I need to overcome this but wondered if anyone can relate to this. Maybe I need to get some therapy!

Objectively I am not poor. I have a professional job that is well paying but my career was derailed by being a lone parent for many years, with little support. So at 50 I am where I should have been at 35 or earlier and I can’t catch up now. My parents are not wealthy - just ok - but everyone else in the family is very comfortable. My exH who is in the same profession as me has done extremely well (probably earns 15 times what I do) and his life, as is the life of many of my colleagues at work, is so different to mine.

Some of the happiest, most content and most fulfilled people I know do not have loads of money.

That was an eye opener for me when I realised that.

The people who I see as really winning at life are the people with close family and friends, and the time to spend with them.

Thats what I am aiming for.

I get you OP, DH and I were comfortable before the Global Financial Crisis, I was in a professional job and DH part owned a company. We lost a lot of money by the GFC, notably by the devaluation of shares. I was also laid off, and then had to take a job with a lower salary because beggers cant be choosers. We had holidays, could afford hobbies / activities, treats out for DD etc. Nothing to extravegant though.

Just as we were getting on our feet financially, DH died suddenly when DD was 13. For all her teens, I lived pay day to pay day as a lone parent and relied on tax credits. I had enough to pay the bills, but never any left over for fancy holidays or meals out. I stayed in said job because it was secure and flexible, then I was late 50s when DD left home and I had no confidence to get a new job.

My two brothers live extremely comfortable lives for many years, but they are very generous people and I know how lucky I am. They live in holiday destinations, and always invited DD and I to stay, without them we would never have a holiday, one even offered to pay for DH funeral. I also watched a very close friend flaunt her wealth, and it drove me up the wall, especially when her daughters would 'show off' to DD.

Wake up before sunrise tommorow and watch it.
Be thankful you have seen it with out worries about health, job and roof over your head.

Learn to appreciate non material things.
Time flies quickly.Time is precious don't spend it being envious of others.

Going to the Buddhist centre and moving on to a council estate (not for that purpose alone) helped me.
I do have a disability and can't work tho and it has helped me find my people.

It’s only natural but I think the most important thing is to be your own best friend not your harshest critic. See the good in things. All the judgment is coming from you…:people worth knowing won’t judge you for any of that stuff.

I'm younger than you but can relate to what you're saying.

The credit crunch set my career (and hence savings) back by several years and there was certainly a point where I found it difficult that peers were buying property and I wasn't. I stopped watching house programs at the time as I realised they were making me unhappy in the same way beauty magazines make people feel ugly.

Your op mentions the potential for seeking therapy. If you can access this through your workplace then I think you might find it useful to help you explore why you feel this way.

Absolutely spot on.

If you have your health and people who love you and have your back then you have everything.

@DiaAssolellat actually I disagree. Our thoughts and feelings are anything but simple.

I’m married and DH and I have paid off the mortgage and can afford a foreign holiday every year - but we have seen quite a few of our friends inherit large sums from DGP or even great aunts etc - think £100, 200 k. There is no way we will ever have that - all our DHPs lived in council houses or rented privately or in one case left the small house to MIL 30 years ago and it went towards their business and has long gone.

But that’s just the way things go - and when we couldn’t afford to go abroad and our holiday was renting a colleague’s caravan for mates’ rates £20 a night we still knew other people who had no holiday at all.

Who you compare yourself with is a massive factor in this (as you acknowledge). It’s one of those things that as you move into the nicer road, send your kids to a certain school, travel first class etc you are surrounding yourself with people at a certain level. You may just be ‘entry level’ they may have been on this path for years (or since birth).
If all you compare yourself with are wealthy professionals, by dint of being surrounded by them you’re already in a strong position. You just need to see it from a different viewpoint. Try a sport or activity or volunteer with a different demographic - you’ll get a broader perspective.

I do understand what you mean. I sometimes compare myself and my DH unfavorably with his brother and his partner.

But that is when I am comparing financial aspects.Yes he earns a stack load more than DH, they are always going on holiday or going out for meals.

Then I look at the substance of our lives, and actually I think we are in a stronger position.

DH is my second husband, so I am not looking down my nose at divorce, but BIL is currently on his third wife (who seems to be a clone of the first two, so that doesn't bode well). He might earn a stack load more, but currently lives in a ridiculous house, far larger than he needs and will be paying a mortgage till he is 70+. It's on a flood plain and he can't sell it - but poo-pooed us when we cautioned him against buying it in the first place.

His son is struggling with MH issues - messy divorces and not seemingly being wanted by either parent have played a big part. He chucks money at his son but not nurture. For example, son started at a new college in September and was anxious. BIL booked a holiday for himself and wife THAT WEEK and seemed think DS would be fine on his own, despite knowing his DS was anxious about college.

I would rather be me, and happy in my skin, and know I have tried to be a good mum to my DS and that DH and I are kind and loving to each other and the marriage is good and happy.