To expect more? Or am I being totally unfair here?

[Expectmoore]

Someone close to me has called me out on my arrangements with my ex. I asked for their opinion but being honest I expected them to take my side, I think. They haven’t.

Basically, I am a single parent to dd (2). Ex did some bad things in the past, basically left me to it for first six months of DD’s life. It was a dark time and I don’t know if my residual anger from that time is affecting my views now.

Ex has agreed to pay all dd’s nursery fees and 400 on top per month. He sees dd usually every weekend from sat morning to bedtime Sunday. If I want to do something with dd in this time then I do and he fits around it.

I feel resentful that I have to do every nursery run, every organisation for nursery, every weekday breakfast and bedtime etc. I feel I’m constantly juggling work and dd but in contrast ex is having work all week to focus on then dd on his days off at weekends. There is no way around this as he lives very far away and the arrangement cannot change. He literally can’t do a nursery run even if he was closer as he starts work at 7am and finishes at 8pm. Practically there is no way round any of it but I am regularly feeling bitter and hard done by because I am doing it alone all week and feel like that’s unusual, even with separated parents it’s usually half and half. This person close to me has really lost their cool and said I need to be appreciative of what I have… money and time. Am I being a dick for not seeing this that way? Does anyone understand why I feel frustrations and like it’s not very fair? Or maybe I have become warped in my expectations. I really don’t know anymore.

You've said it yourself there is no other solution. What else is he supposed to do?

It's frustrating having to deal with the mental load all the time and be the one with the routine.

You do have it 'better' than a lot of single parents, in that he's paying significantly more than the legal minimum and takes every weekend. That still doesn't mean its good though, its just good by the usual separated dad standard (the bare minimum or less).

I would just avoid asking opinions in future tbh.

50 50 is actually really unusual even with both parents living in the same house. Most family situations one parent does all the school runs. The reality is having young children and a full time job is just exhausting. He sounds like he has very little down time, whereas you have every weekend that you want. He also sounds like he does more than would be expected financially.

I don’t think that 50/50 is that common OP 💐

I think that your routine is very unfair on you though. When do you chill with dd or take her to see your side of the family ?

How many hours does she travel every weekend ? When she’s old enough to be invited to parties or do weekend sports, what will the plan be ? Does ex never go out with friends or want to date ?

@Maddy70 it’s not so much a solution, I just think it’s reasonable I feel this way?

I think your feelings are very valid.

Of course others are in worse positions (DS father has never been on the scene and I've done 100% of time/money forever!) but ultimately, it does suck for you. You don't have the option of doing 50/50, and men generally get away scot free picking how much they want to be involved and women pick up the slack!

Not much advice, but wanted to say something nice before the 'you get way more than I get, therefore YABU' comments come along 💐

My ex is like yours and pays me more CM than CMS but clearly thinks that the extra absolves him of actually doing stuff. It has annoyed me sometimes over the year but the end result is that our adult kids can see that their dad thinks that he can pay his way out of parenting so have very little to do with him.

@SonicTheHodgeheg well he travels to see her and stays in a bed and breakfast (too far to go back and forth in one day). So it means she isn’t travelling and can just enjoy her weekend.

I see my family once a week on a Tuesday as they are local.

i just feel like I do so much. I know I get the weekends. Maybe that’s just parenting, I don’t know.

Which one of you moved away after the split ?

He has the option to change his job. He could do a 4 day week or compressed hours 9 day fortnight. He could then collect on a Thursday and have her until Sunday evening or similar.

You could be be primary carer and you travel every weekend.

How much is nursery plus £400 a month?

I'm going to hazard a guess he pays way more than half her monthly costs.

Which is right because you do way more than half her weekly childcare.

But it's also fair so your friend has a point. Do you think he gets frustrated he pays more than half?

Your feelings are absolutely valid @Expectmoore but honestly your expectations are wildly unreasonable.

On paper ex and I have 50/50 custody. However, I do all the admin for dd, if hospital appointments for her chronic condition fall on existing days I am still the one who has to take leave and take her. If he has a work commitment clash with his days that cannot change he expects me to arrange childcare for him rather than call my parents and ask for help.

We live in neighbouring villages. About 4 miles apart. It is an 8 minute drive via low traffic county roads. So proximity does not make it better.

Frustrating is not even close to covering it.

@arethereanyleftatall no he earns enough that it doesn’t affect him. But yes I accept what he pays basically covers everything on the financial side.

@ThisBlueCrab why does he think that’s ok though? It’s the same for me, I have to always be available but he does not

So are you working but getting your nursery fees 100% paid? That's a pretty good deal. I do think your ex having the whole weekend sucks but maybe as your child gets older that will change?

I would look at it that way then op. He pays more, you do more. I get a lot of CM plus SM. Essentially my ex works an entire day every week which goes on my pocket. 8 hours. So that covers 8 extra childcare hours me than him. In fact it would take me 16 hours to get to the same amount.

Your not unreasonable to feel tied down by the mental load of the nursery pick ups and the general life admin but ultimately parenting is like that and even in families together it often gets left to the mum to do all that.

Your friend is not unreasonable to say that what you have it’s loads better then lots of single mums, as in they don’t have the good financial help or the weekends off.

Parenting is hard, separated parenting even harder.

It's crap that you do all the daily grind and little opportunity for nice chilled stuff with her at the weekends

Honestly, I think his upbringing plays a huge part. His mum was the original matriarch, she'd have made the mum in "Bread" look low key. She was a stay at hone parent, and did everything for the family and carried on with her grandkids. I suppose it is just what he sees is a Mum's role.

Where does dd sleep on her weekends with exh? In the b n b or with you?

If you want more time with her at the weekends I don’t think it’s unreasonable to split weekends so he only comes up every other weekend.

But I’m not sure how he would have her during the week, unless in the longer term he changes jobs and move nearer?

I found that when Dd briefly did 50:50 physical time with exh.

All the life admin for her still fell to me (except for those things she could organise herself - she was a young teen at that point). If she had a worry or emotional issue she would just ring me, never talk to dad or get his help. So I was still doing all the main things you actually do for a teen (save cooking) but remotely, which was harder!

Was very glad when she chose to stop the 50:50.

I also have a younger DS (exh also his dad but the 50:50 was dd’s choice to try to make logistics with school stuff easier) who wasn’t doing the 50:50.

I found that when Dd briefly did 50:50 physical time with exh.

All the life admin for her still fell to me (except for those things she could organise herself - she was a young teen at that point). If she had a worry or emotional issue she would just ring me, never talk to dad or get his help. So I was still doing all the main things you actually do for a teen (save cooking) but remotely, which was harder!

Was very glad when she chose to stop the 50:50.

I also have a younger DS (exh also his dad but the 50:50 was dd’s choice to try to make logistics with school stuff easier) who wasn’t doing the 50:50.

You are not being unreasonable feeling the way you do but I also think your family member is entitled to feel the way they do too.

Me and DH are still together after 3 kids and you get a lot more free time than we have ever had - just because we are together doesnt mean that we have a strict 50/50 in terms of parenting as we both have full time jobs and have to juggle working, DC nursery/school runs, extra curricular activities etc. It means we are both full on all week and we dont get any break at weekends either. No grandparents to have any of the kids so we never get a break at all - ever.

Youngest DC is 6 and has never spent a night away from home (no one to have them) and it will likely be this way until they go to friends for a sleepover or go away on a school trip.

Its not a race to the bottom, but what else realistically can your ex do? And you do get a lot of free time

Even if you were together though he works 13 hour days so realistically you'd still be doing all that stuff. You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do however your friend isn't unreasonable to have said that either.
Who moved away, was it you or him?

You need to get away from this idea that having more time with your daughter is unfair. Treasure it.