To stop waking him up?

[Spacebabe]

DH regularly asks me to wake him at a certain time e.g 9am/9:30 latest (earlier in the week) but doesn’t get up when I wake him and just goes back to sleep. If I then go back and wake him again saying ‘it’s 10am, you said you wanted to get up 9:30 latest’ he gets annoyed and says I am pressurising him. Full disclosure we do have a general issue where I would rather get up earlier and get started when we do things together and he prefers to sleep in which causes arguments - but on a day when we don’t have plans until later (or he is just getting up for work) if he asks me to wake him shouldn’t he get up when I do or at least not complain? I am considering just telling him I won’t do it any more, not in a sulky way but as a boundary. We don’t have kids though and hope to at some stage, at which point I might regret saying I’m never going to wake him up if I have to live with the consequences. There are MH related reasons why he sleeps late so although imo not a healthy coping mechanism I don’t want to be too harsh. Thank you

He's an adult - he can set an alarm if he wants to be up at a certain time.

I wouldn't be prepared to do that for an adult. He needs his own coping strategies, maybe with advice from a professional.

This

Yep this.

That way it’s the alarm that takes the “just woke up irritation” rather than you.

It isn't a hotel and you aren't his waking up butler . Tell him to get an alarm clock like a normal adult.

DH is an adult. You have done what he asked wake him up at a certain time - you don’t need to follow up - his choice if he continues to sleep.

Solution - get him to set an alarm and manage his own waking time, that way no discussions or misunderstandings, he manages his own time. 🙂

Thank you. I should have said he sleeps through alarms even very loud and going off repeatedly which is why he asks me. It also drives me nuts hearing his alarm!

Has he tried a fitbit type watch where the alarm vibrates on your wrist? If nothing works he needs to see a sleep consultant, or go to bed earlier so hes not in the very deep stage of sleep still in the mornings

I wouldn't make a grand statement about it but I wouldn't go back and wake him again from now on. If he asks you to wake him at 9.30 but doesn't get up then, leave him. This means getting on with the day yourself, including going out without him if that's been the plan. Make sure it's him losing out on whatever he wanted to be up for, but not you.

Why is that your problem? He's a grown up - if he lived alone he'd have to find a way to get up on time.

I'd said him once and then leave him. If he didn't want a vibrating watch try something like this which clips into the pillow.
https://www.healthandcare.co.uk/dvt-and-travel-health/sonic-boom-vibrating-travel-alarm-clock.html

I can sleep through an alarm, especially if I've had a bad night

So I set 3 at 15 minute intervals. That works

And because he's relying on you his subconscious is relaxed about it

Thanks this is all really helpful. I will suggest the gadgets. I think waking him once but not following up is a good compromise and if he wants to sleep I will try just getting on with my day which will hopefully make me less resentful in the long run!

Yes I agree with this. I always set several alarms to get me up.

OP, he is an adult and shouldn’t be asking to be woken, esp if he’s going to be grumpy about it!

I wouldn’t want to have kids with him until he gets some help for whatever issues are making him want to sleep late either.

How does he get up for work in time?

This would annoy me, i would start waking him up with a glass of cold water ... bet he would wake up the alarm in future.

Id explain the issues when he's up & functional and that you aren't going to be waking him in future as it doesn't work and wastes you time so he needs to find alternatives that do. He should consider why he so tired in the morning, is he having late nights so sleep deprived, poor sleep quality or possibly sleep apnea if still doesn't feel refreshed after a long sleep or another health condition at play.

I have a delayed sleep rhythm and have always really struggled with waking up early, I wish my brain could fall asleep as easy at night as it can in the morning. A couple of times I've even been rude to someone waking me and it's caused them to sulk, while I'm unaware of this reason as wasn't fully conscious to recall the event.
I now have smart bulbs so they are set to 'sunrise' so hit full brightness just after Alexa, plays music so I'm bit more with it by the time my alarm goes. If I ask people to wake me it's as a back up. With the Alexa speakers you can set them to do a morning routine or give reminders like ' Get up you lazy twat!'. I usually wake fairly easily to noise but i'd get him one of those vibrating alarms.

If you want kids with him you really should stop mothering him and start expecting him to be a partner, because if he can’t then you should not have kids with him. How about you say you hate that he asks you to take the effort to do something for him and ignores you every time, and if you follow up he yells at you. Ask him if every time he bought you flowers you said yeah whatever and threw them in the bin, would he keep buying you flowers? And even if he turns around and says sorry say so you should be, I’m still taking a two weeks break minimum from waking you because I’m not your mum and you made me feel like shit for doing you a favour you asked for. Why don’t you cook dinner and I’ll thank you nicely like people should when someone does something for them?

Give the responsibility back to him. It's not for you to wake him or to research different alarm clocks etc. it's for him to find a solution to this problem.

Think extremely carefully before you have children with him. The man-child vibe is irritating now, but will be intolerable if you have kids in the mix too.

Yes, do not have kids with someone who (a) relies on you to wake him up every day (b) is then annoyed when you do so.

You don’t need to spend your life facilitating other people’s mental health accommodations, and being resented for doing so. There is more to life than this.

Don’t have kids with him. He needs to grow up.

He sounds like a teenager and you want to have kids with him? Honestly don’t do it or you will be on here with AIBU my husband won’t get out of bed to help with the children threads and there are quite a few.

Don’t have children with him. He is not interested in a parenting partnership.

He is the type to create resentment in his partner. Are you on Mumsnet because you can see resentment in your future? Not necessarily the sleeping business (ffs, don’t have kids with someone who thinks being awake is the woman's job) but there will be other things about him.

If you stay with him, resentment is your future.

Oh and yes, please don't have kids with him. MH issues or not, if he can't even get himself out of bed on time, what use do you think he'll be with a screaming newborn in the house?

What would he do if he lived by himself? What are his MH problems? Has he sought help? It sounds like you're his mummy.